Can I leave during the honeymoon phase?
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| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:12pm |
The kicker here is that I got away from him. I was gone for 6 months during which time he went to counseling, church and even a doctor for prescriptions to help with his "high-strung" personality. THEN...I went back and I married him within 4 weeks (December). I actually cannot believe how stupid I could actually be.
We have since had many arguments over the past 4 months where I have been cussed at told to "go to hell", "f*** you", etc. Recently, however, he threw a water bottle that dented the aluminum on the house and then kicked a chair just as I stood up from sitting in it. While none of this was directly aimed at physically hurting me, it could have. This has changed the way that I see him, again. I don't trust him even though he says that he is aware of it getting bad again and he will make it right. However, he does not want to go to counseling again because he is embarrassed that he is regressing.
Right now, he is being so nice and letting me do what I want, when I want, but that will end soon. We are actually building a house right now and if I am not out there with him, it drives him crazy. He says that I am not making as much of a sacrifice as he is to get this house built.
Does this never-ending, gnawing doubt in my stomach mean that my sub-conscience KNOWS that I should not be with him? It seems to be there way more often than not. I feel so guilty because I married him knowing what he was capable of and I promised to stick it out with him and help him. I have no idea how he would react to my asking for a divorce. I feel so stupid and guilty because I have not helped either of us by marrying him, I just created a bigger problem.
Any advice or words of experience would be appreciated.

Yes, you can leave during the honeymoon phase. I did. He was being so sweet to me since I went back to our marriage counselor...alone. I too saw the signs that things were regressing, yes, he is trying but he has not truly changed. I did not wait for him to hit me again. The verbal was enough of a sign.
It is soo hard to accept because we want to believe in them so badly. Don't take any blame here either! You didn't do anything other than believe in him. It is such a hard decision to leave but you have to do what is right for YOU... you can't change him. He probably can't change himself either. I also firmly believe that once two people have had a pattern of behavior that includes abuse they can not be in a healthy relationship together ever... Even if he goes through intensive abuser's therapy.
Stay safe!!
Hi Happy, and welcome back -
On the average, a victim goes back to their abuser 7 times, so you having given him a second chance isn't that out of the ordinary.
CL-Blueliner4
I did exactly what you did, except I married my x twice. I left him after 3 years of marriage, he went to counseling, cleaned up his act, said that he was sorry. We were divorced for a year and then I stupidly remarried him. I believed that he had changed. They never will truely change. I stayed with him for another 5 years. Now I have been divorced for 12 years, and I am still trying to get away from him. I know this is hard to hear but it will not get any better in fact it will get worse. Make a plan, and stick to it. Educate yourself, come here and post, ask questions. Listen to the ladies and gents here, they know what they are talking about.
(((((HUGS))))))
Van