Can you forgive and try again?
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Can you forgive and try again?
| Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:23am |
I've been through a lot with my husband of almost 2 years. I feel I've confused him b/c everytime he's done something rotten I've gotten past it, eventually forgiving him - when I should've put my foot down more. He's locked me out of our house twice, spit on me, verbally abused me and his latest has been joining a singles website "just to look at pictures." The first time I caught him - then he betrayed me and did it again. I left him a few months ago. He's agreed to get couples and anger management counseling, he wants to go to church and begs me to come home. We were both raised in loving homes and to my knowledge he suffered from no severe emotional/phys. abuse growing up. He is usually so kind, appears very easy going, but he can be very cruel to me when he gets angry. I feel betrayed and don't know if he can change. Please help. I plan to stay away from him for a few months and decide things. Lately I don't recognize myself b/c I've put up with so much more than I ever said I would. I feel I am a kind, attractive, intelligent woman...why am I putting myself through this? Can this love be saved? I thought I loved him and he loved me too. I always tried to see the good in him and thought he could change. Does he have the motivation to change now or should I give up on him? Thanks for your advice.

Time to start reading all the resources here on the homepage. You will find that the change rate is about 1%. Don't even consider couples counseling at this time. The problem that is going on here is his, not the both of you. Tell him to enroll in an anger management course and start getting help for himself. In the meantime, start working on what you really want in life.
Fortunately, since you came from a loving home, you realize that you aren't supposed to be treated this way. If someone truly loved you, would they spit on you? That would be like my dog biting me because I didn't get her food out in a timely manner.
He's going to a singles website two years into your marriage? That should be a big red flag that the guy needs help. He so unhappy with himself that he searching for someone to "fix" him. No one can but himself.
The most important thing is to remember, you did nothing wrong, ever. What you did right was step back and realize that you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Stay strong and keep posting.
Terry
Hi Charbonnet, and welcome -
Terry's right on the button, there's some serious issues at work here, but I highly doubt counseling will help your marriage out at this point.
CL-Blueliner4
Stay strong during your husband’s attacks. Most men demonstrate 'healthy anger' when they feel attacked and others have 'unhealthy anger' when they are unprovoked in any way. What sort is your husband? Be aware of what sets him off and consider whether or not he is the healthy or unhealthy type. In response to the replies on this board, I feel that anytime there is love between a couple IT IS worth trying as long as you are safe and there has never been any physical abuse. Since you have only been married for 2 years consider if you really love him and if he really loves you? What is an average day like for you and what is an average day like for him? If he is willing to accompany you to marital counseling then he must believe there is a spark there. How have you felt since you left "a few months ago?” How has he felt? If he does not feel any remorse for his anger and mistreatment of you; then maybe you are better off starting over. People can change but they must be very committed as well as cognate of their own actions. The leading cause of divorce is a lack of communication which leads to other problems. A counselor can help a couple open a communication line.
Nine years ago my husband began a new job that kept him working 16 hour days. When he came home all he did was eat and go to bed. Too tired for sex, and too tired of my criticism of our relationship he regularly exploded in anger. We separated and both agreed to go to counseling individually. Little did we know we had the same therapists who eventually urged us to come in together. Over the years we created lists and schedules suitable to our needs and eventually we became aware of each others needs without any schedules. We have been together happily since. A schedule is not for everyone, for some it is church, picnics, a date night, etc. So, don't give up IF YOU FEEL that he is capable of change and willing to get help. My therapy was so helpful I went back to school and received my own psychology degree.
Kerry