Can't believe what I did.
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| Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:39pm |
It's been quite awhile since I've posted. Things with my husband have been really good the last few weeks, and I thought that things were so much better. We went to a party on saturday night and we both had several drinks. I was talking to a girl (I'll call her S)and we got on the weight issue, and I cried about mine (I'm not overweight, but my husband tells me I am. I'm in a size 8 but he wants me to be in a size 2). Anyway, a guy walked over and S started to try to get him into the conversation. He looked uncomfortable, so I let him off the hook and sent him away, and pulled myself together quickly, redid my makeup and joined the party. As my husband and I were getting ready to go, my husband was in another room and I said to the guy sorry about earlier, didn't mean for S to bring you into it. He said no problem. My husband and I walked out to the car, and he started yelling at me because he wanted to know what I said to the guy. I told him. He said that he didn't belive me and that he couldn't trust me and that I was a whore. (by the way, I've never cheated or anything, he doesn't have any basis for this. I've always been emotionally and physicically faithful) He really (verbally) went off on me. He dropped me off at home, and sped back to the party to question the poor guy and anyone else who had been around me all night.
After he left I drank several shots of vodka (I usually don't drink, and if I do, I don't drink much so I don't handle this much alchol very well, it was a bad idea). I wasn't thinking much at all, so I can't tell you much about my thought process, but I was feeling sad. I just got a knife and started cutting at my arm. I didn't have any force behind it, and I didn't draw any blood, they are just slight scratches. Anyway, I kind of looked at my arm in shock, and then I put the knife in the sink and went to lay down until my husband got home. When he did he was calm, happy, and apologetic. He confirmed my story by questioning everyone and he was sorry he didn't trust me. We went to bed fairly happy. Yesterday morning he saw my wrist. Now he says he's considering a divorce because he can't be with a suicidal person. He wants me to get on anti-depressants. I don't feel suicidal, and I don't feel depressed. I'm kind of worried about me doing that (not that I'll get any sympathy from him) and I know it was a bad thing to do, but I'm even more worried about being labeled suicidal. Could they take my child away if they do? I'm not a bad mom, and I don't have suicidal thoughts. My husband says that my actions must mean something, and I agree, but what? I don't want to die.
I really need some advice right now. Thank you in advance for any thoughts on this.
Becky

Becky -
I am really sorry no one's responded to this earlier.
CL-Blueliner4
Big hugs to you, Becky. I'm so glad the aftermath of the party was good and at the same time I hurt inside knowing what you must have been feeling as you waited for your husband to return from the party.
Julie Prewitt
Customer Support
iVillage.com
Hi Becky...I do agree with the others that you should seek someone to talk to.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
Hey Becky
Went back to your post because it kinda stuck with me - the bit about you hurting yourself, since I am currently worrying about a friend of mine who is hurting himself
What you need to know is that this does NOT mean that YOU are crazy and suicidal. When we are in a bizarre situation, in pain and being threatened, we sometimes do crazy things, maybe in order to not feel that pain anymore, or as a cry for help etc. You aren't crazy, he has just created an enormously painful situation for you to live in.
Here is a very good article that might be helpful to read (and I've been spreading it like a virus lol)
It is about the stockholm syndrome and it tries to explain the behavior/reactions of those who are abused. Having said that, it is better for you to speak to a professional ofcourse, than to just read an article.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=469
and, http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157
Knowledge is power :)