Can't Describe It But Something is Wrong
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| Sat, 06-19-2004 - 9:21am |
I can recognize that the affair is definitely abuse, but it is the more subtle controlling behaviors that I have a problem with. I just feel like something isn't quite right, but I can't quite put my finger on it. For example, we went to one pastoral counseling session and then he said he didn't want to go back for a variety of reasons (we should be able to resolve our problems together, he has been to counseling before and he knows exactly what the counselor will say, etc.)
Another example is discouraging me from talking to friends about the affair because he thinks other people are too quick to say we should get a divorce and no one else knows us like we do. He is distrustful and jealous because I have been spending more time hanging out with friends, especially male friends because he believes they are all dogs like he is.
This is the part where I might lose some of you. :) My husband and I are very open, or at least he is "allowed" to be. In discussing his affair, we concluded that maybe we should explore our own sexuality more. I've always been intrigued myself about being with another woman and now that I know about the affair, I feel I deserve to feel attractive and desirable.
Well I found a girl online who is totally aware of my situation. She is willing to merely be my friend if we do not take it to the next level. My husband all of a sudden thinks maybe this isn't such a good idea now, he's a better judge of character than I am, the other woman is looking for more than she is telling me. This all started when he found out that I am planning to meet her.
With everything that is going on in our lives, we have had some very frank and sometimes hurtful conversations. Yet when I have an honest and potentially hurtful topic to discuss, then I am persecuted. I brought up the fact that any time you bring someone else into your life intimately, you are opening yourself up to possibly falling in love. He would not hear of this and said that if I feel like this with her then we shouldn't be doing this. This is after I have listened to him telling me that he missed his other woman, that he told her he loved her, etc. All of that was extremely hard for me to hear but I did my best to listen and understand because I'm still his best friend and he needed me, but as soon as I say something that is hard for him to hear, he gets jealous and controlling. Why did he need me to be open an understanding with his issues, yet he can not be open to mine?
It's all so hard to describe, but I feel like something is not quite right. Would this kind of controlling and jealous behavior a form of abuse?

Welcome to the board, carolined04.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
Sometimes I wonder if I am just going crazy, but it helps to know that there are others out there who have experienced similar situations. The very nature of emotional abuse makes it very hard to recognize, so it helps having an outside opinion.
I will check out that list you mentioned. I definitely have a lot of thinking to do and a lot to talk about with him. I just hope I can be strong and be able to see through the BS. As you can imagine, he is very convincing. I wonder if he even recognizes his behavior and if he will be able to change. All I know that I only live once and I deserve better.
Thanks again for responding and good idea about the screen name!
Caroline
I understand the "open" side of your marriage, and it does work for some, for some it doesn't. I too suggest that you take the time to read the articles and check the links on this boards homepage, there is alot of solid information. By educating yourself in the dynamics of abuse, you will be able to make far more solid decisions in how it's effecting your relationship and your life. Educated decisions will always win out over emotional ones.
What would be indicators that the "open" side of the marriage is the beginning of abuse is how he's trying to keep you from talking openly about your marriage to others. Abusers will try and isolate us from family and friends so to slowly cut us off from our support sources.
If he was keeping honest to the open side of your relationship, he should have no problems in letting you know who he's seeing or wants to see and would not be put off by you seeking a new friend either. When I was in an open relationship, it was always known that before one of us would wander off to spend time with someone new, it was well known by both what and when things were going to happen.
Even if you decide that it is not abuse, you are more than welcome to stay here, ask, post, vent whatever you need. This way if he does decide to start making it OK for him but not for you, then you will have a place to come and talk it out without the possibility of starting arguments with him. Abusers do like to keep things stirred up so that we stay confused and they keep the manipulation in their favour.
I would suggest that as you do your research on this matter that you keep it silent from him. Should it be abuse, too many times we sit and try to make things work when in reality we are telling our abuser what we hope to do, what we are doing and they then change their tactics to keep us off balance.
Also, in cases of abuse, do not seek couples or marriage counseling. It has been proven to make matters worse as we are telling our abusers what is on our minds and what we intend to do. This more times than not escalates their abuse in hopes that we will once again submit control of our lives to them. Should you feel the need for therapy, contact your local Domestic Violence shelter and ask them for a reference to a "Trained" abuse counselor. Only deal with those who have been trained in abuse as general therapists do not know the dynamics of abuse and can make matters much worse by giving us the wrong information. You will want to find and keep to yourself your therapist and what you are talking about. If he feels he needs therapy, he will have to find his own. Don't be surprised that abusers do not go out and find their own therapist as they want to know what is on our minds and what we are doing to heal ourselves. Many claim how much they are doing to heal and be better and make alot of empty promises to try and de-rail our healing.
Shelters have a great source of information and services to victims of abuse above and beyond a safe shelter. They are more than happy to help us in many areas of helping us heal, and do so with only those who know what they are talking about.
Once again, welcome to a wonderful community of people who understand what you are going through! We also have a live chat on Sunday evenings from 7pm to 9pm EDT.
Hugs