Can't let go
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| Sun, 04-09-2006 - 10:47pm |
Well, I joined the club with those who have gone back. I saw him at church on Saturday. (I was hoping to because I couldn't stand not talking to him) He asked me to go for something to eat. Of course, he apologized and said he will always love me and will never hurt me again. He says he can't imagine not seeing me or my kids again. (He was always good with them). The thing is, he is going to a counselor and he is going to church and reading his religious books and that is more than many abusers do. He can be such a good person at times and then be so awful if he is threatend with me leaving him. We talked about abuse and he mentioned (calmly), times that I abused him emotionally. I got a new book at the library it talks about different forms of abusive relationships. It is called The Emotionally Abusive Relationship- How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. I see that we have indeed abused ech other. I'm not quite sure if I am also abusive or if I was just reacting to him. I guess we might have both abused each other instead of discussing things. A series of many bad reactions.
We both agreed that we cannot go back to the way things were. We have hurt each other too much. He knows my mother dislikes him. Sometimes I get frustrated because we took it to such an extreme. We love each other but hurt each other so bad. He is still suffering from the concussion that he got the night I dumped him and told him to leave. (We don't know how he got it) I feel so bad that he feels so awful and I'm worried sick about him. I feel like I can't take the hurt anymore. He must feel even worse. We don't know what to do. I sometimes wish the world would just end now. I know that sounds dramatic but I just can't figure out a way to make everything better. I am so miserable without him and love him but I don't know if we can do this. We are both praying about it.
Tomorrow is my first appointment with the DV counselor. I'm still not sure about that. Am I reading too many books about DV?? Yes, I have contributed to the situation. If I am still talking to him am I just wasting their time? I want to thank everyone for all their help during a very difficult time.

You are an adult, and what you decide to do is your decision. I would still go to the DV counselor, because odds are excellent that once this honeymoon period wears off, he will go right back to the way he was. If he is going to a counselor, that is a good sign IF they specialize in counseling batterers, but HE needs to take responsibility for HIS decisions. Abuse is not justifiable, no matter what the other person has supposedly done.
FWIW, I have yet to see anything in any of what you have posted that indicates that your behavior has been abusive. I have no doubt that he would very much like you to believe that you contributed to the situation, but there is a difference between abusing and reacting out of sheer frustration. What you have done is the latter.
You're far from the first person who has chosen to go back, and I doubt you will be the last. Everyone has their own emotional timetable, and it may simply be that you are not ready to leave; it takes the average DV victim around TEN times of attempting to leave before the final break is made. Just be aware that this "honeymoon period" is almost certainly temporary, and that things will most likely go right back to the way they were once things don't go his way. What you do with that knowledge is up to you, and we will be right here whenever you need us.
Strong
Strong, I just spent half an hour writing a long post that disappeared on me.
Hi Strong,
Hope things are going well for you. I thought I'd comment on the "going to church" statement. My stbx who is commonly refered to here as one of the worst abusers/manipulators claims to be a Christian. He went to church weekly, bible study weekly, carried his bible around, talked the talked. This was his biggest manipulative tactic that kept me in bondage for so long. Anytime I disagreed with him or an authority tried to hold him accountable for his actions, he'd throw up the "You don't know God" defense. I heard things like "if you leave me, you are turning your back on Jesus." That statement hurt me deeply. When pastors tried to hold him accountable for his anger, his verbal abuse (not to mention physical abuse), stbx would accuse THE PASTOR of following the devil.
Aside from going to church, I'd check his attitude towards authority. Does he at least speak/act respectfully toward the pastors or area leaders in your church. Because if he's always badmouthing the pastor saying things like "that pastor sounds prideful or doesnt' know what he's talking about", then going to church is only for show and not sincere. It may infact be another tactic. Does your husband get out of his seat or to the bathroom too many times during the sermon/message or leave early (like during the alter call)?
I'm sorry to say that it doesn't sound like your husband is changing. And if nothing changes, then nothing changes. He isn't taking responsibility for his abuse if he's still pointing out how abuser you were to him. I seriously DOUBT that you abused him, too. At worst you reacted badly to his abuse. But how does a person react well when being abused either verbally or physically. That's asking a lot for anyone.
You ARE NOT to blame for his abusive words or actions. Don't take on blame for things your husband is responsible for... we are each responsible for our own words, thoughts, feelings and actions. Sure sometimes, I too may have used verbally abusive language to stbx or anyone else. The difference is that it may have been an isolated incident (not a pattern of escalating behavior) or I didn't mean to hurt the other person. Abuser are calculating and bent on controlling another person. No one is perfect or communicates perfecting 100% of the time. Don't be too hard on yourself or take on blame for his actions.
I hope your DV appointment went well. Keep going and keep seeking God and inner healing. In Jesus name, Amen.
Love,
Loonybunny
Hi Loonybunny!
You are getting so good at this advice I think you will be a CL when you are done with this! My ex (BF, actually) doesn't leave early or disrespect the pastor or anything. He did quit going to church for a while though. I don't know why. I quit going to but I know why I quit. That is another story about my church not wanting to provide something that was needed in our parish. But I am glad to be over that now. We both do turn to God in times of trouble. I never did stop praying though.
I would have liked for my ex to have been a little more apologetic than he was for the damage he did. Or he should have offerd to pay something. I had to call another window company to replace the window because the first one never followed through after they cashed my check which I payed in full. I'm learning every day!!
I talked to him yesterday morning and he knew that I was hurting. He said he'd call me later and didn't. That is the first time he never called when he said he would. He says he is thinking hard about this and never wants to hurt me again. He is afraid I will get rid of him again and he knows my family doesn't like him. I feel so bad that he didn't call though. I keep thinking about the good times. I did the list like someone said and the good and bad sides were the same length. He was so good with my youngest kids. That is more important to me than just about anything because my one son is mentally retarded and will always live with me.
I think that I am absolutely crazy. After the damage he did I just give him a break because he was so distraught that I left him. This weekend I felt like I love him so much and would do anything. More of that Battered Wife Syndrome again!
Hope you are doing ok!
Love,
Strong
Sorry honey but the honeymoon period is a bad way to keep you around.
My psychotic ex immediately began going to church, counseling and anger management. One time I bought it and went back. Within 3 weeks he was back to normal.
Unfortunately abusive people don't become different people from counseling or from God. They become different people because they want to be...and why would they want to? If you are raised in that manner, you will probably always be that way.
Don't let him abuse you. If he starts it again, walk. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.