Can't stand the guilt!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Can't stand the guilt!
14
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 9:48pm

Well, after seeing the kids every day last week (with me) H didn't get to see them yesterday or today. So, he's upset. I had to work yesterday and my Mom kept them and then I had to go get groceries after work and then I was just beat and came back "home" (Mom's) to relax. Then today my Mom and I went shopping with the kids. So, tonight I called him to check up on him I guess and he was very upset and says he has no one to talk to and he said to give the kids kisses good night since he can never do it.

I do worry that him being alone all the time is not good for him. He doesn't have a job or a car, so he doesn't go anywhere unless we go get him and take him "out" to do something. So, it makes me feel guilty that he's lonely. I wouldn't like it.

Then he was upset once again because of me not trusting him with the kids. He wants to keep them overnight some night. When he said that I just felt sick. I talked to Dd (she's 6) about it and she said she doesn't want to. And Ds (4) doesn't want to either. (I asked them seperately). Ds doesn't even want to go see H because he says he's mean. So, of course when I tell him that he doesn't believe me. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow and tell him that this is very hard on the kids. He only cares about what's been taken from him and how lonely he is and what I've done to him. Gee...I wonder how hard it is on the kids? I wish he would just stay calm and agree that it's ok for us to do stuff with the kids together for awhile. But if we get divorced that would never work. He is just so unstable and scares me. His mood swings are horrible. I cannot stand the thought of him keeping these kids over night. It's hard enough to think of him even taking them for a few hours. He's the one that threatened that he should take them and keep them from me sometime and see how I like being without them. Of course, he'll say he only said that because he's upset, but I don't trust him.

So, he's sitting at home all alone in a house that used to be filled with the noise and activity of his three beautiful kids. And it makes me so sad. But if I was there right now I would be feeling miserable. This is a no win situation. I've posted alot here and complained and vented and I hope nobody's sick of hearing from me! LOL I just feel like I can't take the pain of turning the life my kids and I have known right upside down. I can't take hurting H even after all he's done to hurt me. Sometimes it takes my breath away....know what I mean? I feel like I can't breathe because it's all too much.
Thanks for "listening" once again!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:44pm

"I do worry that him being alone all the time is not good for him. He doesn't have a job or a car, so he doesn't go anywhere unless we go get him and take him "out" to do something. So, it makes me feel guilty that he's lonely. I wouldn't like it. " I can understand why you would feel guilty, because I probably would to... BUT he is the one without a car or a job. He is responsible for that, not you. I'm sorry if he can't work or drive for whatever reason, I'm not sure... but if he is able to work and drive, then there is no excuse.. and that is not your responsibility. He is an adult and he is old enough to do things on his own, without you taking care of him.


If you don't want to the kids to go with him.. and they don't want to go.. you can't force them. You say yourself that he is scary and hard of the kids and has horrible mood swings. You do not want the kids to be around that, even though he is the father figure. If they are scared to be around him, that shows something.


I'm not sick of hearing from you at all... so go and post as much as you want. It feels good to just vent and let it all out, especially on this board, because I for one, know what it's like. It's so nice "talking" to people that actually understand!

L A U R E

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 7:11pm

I want to make this really simple for you because I think you need to hear this more than anything:

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!

You should be proud of yourself. You have no control over his feelings and he uses the pity you have on him against you. Someone said yesterday that when you pity someone you can no respect them. And I don't mean that you can't care that someone gets better - that's the respect. You give him distance to figure himself out and to quit clinging to you to make things all better for him (trust me - I know this - because I do this too.)

If he is keeping you on the phone to harp on how miserable you have made his life - you need to cut off the conversation. If it does not stay on the topic of those things you choose to talk about (like kids' schedules or finances), then say politely that you have something you have to attend to - another call - someone at the door...and then get off the phone. If you are like me, you will hear it even when he sighs on the phone at you - and he'll do it - he does it all the time...still - get off the phone. As soon as he hangs up - he won't be sighing anymore and it won't kill him when he does it.

And lastly - like my dad used to say "He's got the same pants to get glad in that he got mad in."

You - are - doing - the - right - thing.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 10:31pm

You feel badly cause you're compassionate. But you know what? He caused all this to happen. If he doesn't feel the pain of the consequences for his abuse he'll never be motivated to change at all-plus you're teaching your daughter's a very dangerous lesson. What would you tell your girls if they we're treated like this as adults? Cause if you take him back-you're teaching your children how to stay in an abusive rlationship.

He wants you to feel sorry for him,-it's simply another to control you. It's not sincere, it's not love. He's a selfish and dangerous man. He treats you and girls like crap.....don't buy into it. Al-Anon is very helpful. Lots of support and people who understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 6:59am

I know H caused all this to happen. At least I think I know that. There are times when I think "well, if I helped him more to try to start his business." or "if I tried to do more things with him". In the past couple years I haven't wanted to basically be around him because he's so mean and critical. We lived together but that's about it.

I never thought about going to Al-anon. And I pray to God that my daughter's never let someone treat them the way H has treated me. And I pray that my son doesn't grow to be like his father. He's such a loving, sensitive little boy and H has actually said he needs to toughen him up. He's only 4!

Thank you so much for the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 7:03am

I do need to hear that I'm doing the right thing. And it sinks in for a little bit. But then I think of how badly I want my kids to have Mommy and Daddy together and how I want them to be able to stay in their home. And then I think about how it felt to be in that home with him. So, my emotions and thoughts are jumping all around and honestly I can't stand it anymore!

It's hard to feel proud of myself. My marriage is failing. My kids can't be with their father. I know it's not all my fault. But it still feels miserable.

Thanks for the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 7:10am

Well, that's the problem....he CAN work and he CAN drive. We just don't have enough money for two cars (I have one) because he WON'T work. He's tried all during our marriage to start his own business and it just never works out. He doesn't make any or enough money at it. He's gotten jobs and seems to be happy and doing well and then he'll just quit. He'll say he can't stand the job or the people at work are mean. He quits jobs without having anything else lined up.

As far as the kids, I won't force them to go with him. But a judge could, right? I'm trying to keep all this as nice as can be. I don't want to fight with him. I've explained to him that the kids are just scared and confused and that's why they don't want to go (alone) with him. And then he says "that's just great. My own kids don't even want to be with me."

He's so depressed right now. It's so sad. I feel like I'm the cause, even though I and everyone else tell me that he caused this himself. He says he'd be better off to just go away where noone will ever have to deal with him again. He sits in his garage all day alone. He won't go get a job, or think about where he'll live if we sell or lose the house. I don't know what to do for him. He needs help but won't get it.

Thanks for all the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:09pm

the guilt is all his, hon, he brought all of it on himself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 5:18pm

You definitely are doing the right thing! Oh man, do I understand how you're feeling right now. It's so much harder when they "remind" us that we're doing this. It's simply not true! By the time we get here, we've sacrificed all that we have, for their happiness. It takes time, and it takes being away from them, to realize how much better it feels w/o them!

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you're very strong! Of course you want the kids to be w/ Mom and Dad, in the home they're used to. Cause you love them! You're not responsible for H's actions and the way he treats you and the kids. You can't change him. You can only keep you and the kids from the crud! You're doing what's right!

You take care!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 6:51pm

Hi Cat3

I would have given my arm and leg if I could've fixed the situation. I did give many years and lots of money. Sad as it is, I really couldn't make a miserable, lying, blood sucker happy. They don't want to be happy . They want to suck us dry, use us, make us miserable and drag eveyone down to their level. He doesn't want help.

Save yourself and your kids. Boys can grow up and date abusive women. My son was hit on his face and now again has a girlfriend whom is selfish, manipulative and self centered. They learn destructive patterns of relating.....it's not all gender oriented. They live w/turmoil and pain and it becomes "normal". Think about it.

Al-Anon is great-it's been a lifesaver for me. Get support for yourself. Also have you read "Why does he do that?" Great book....your abuser knows exactly what he's doing. He loves the chaos and angst he causes.

You and your kids are worth the chance for happiness and peace and potentially a loving person/partner/spouse in your lives. As long as he's there, it'll never happen.

Take good care, hugs to you and keep posting.
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 9:38pm

No contact with him is impossible. We have the kids and since I'm afraid to leave him alone with them, the kids and I have been going to get him to go do things....go to the library, the playground, McDonald's. Public places only. He's not happy about it. He keeps pressuring me to let him have them for the day, or even overnight. I can't do it. It makes him so mad, but I just can't do it. He's just so unstable and doesn't have any patience with them, and I'm so afraid of what they might go thru if he's in one of his moods or one of them makes him mad.

Yep, he needs to get a JOB and get out of the house! He won't do it though. I don't know what to do about our house. I thought of selling it, but then where will he go? He has no where to go.

Thanks for the support!

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