Can't take it another day

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Can't take it another day
5
Sat, 01-28-2006 - 11:59am

Along with being very controlling, my H is also very jealous. He has to know where I am at all times.
I'm terribly forgetful,I have A.D.D. and I take no meds for it. My H knows this but insists there's nothing wrong with me,I just "don't pay attention".

Yesterday I went shopping and although I had my cell phone with me, the battery was dead.I'd forgotten to charge it.When I realized this, I panicked. I knew he would be trying to call and if he couldnt get ahold of me he would be very angry. I kept telling myself that I was doing nothing wrong, I was just shopping for God sake, but I still had that feeling of "impending doom". So I finished up my shopping and went to my car.The first thing I did was plug my phone into the car charger so I could call him.Sure enough, he'd already left messages on my cell voicemail.Mean ones at that,asking where the h*ll was I at,didn't I ever turn my bleeping phone on? I called him and we argued for over 30 minutes about it.
It's crazy, completely insane... for someone to get so angry over something so silly.I pray every night for a "normal" life.I was well on my way to having it,but I let him weasle his manipulating self right back into my life.And here I am, once again.. wishing for a better life.I know that someday I will have it,but making that break is so hard.Thanks for letting me vent.

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 9:14am

Big hugs, Serenity.

 

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 10:47am

Serenity,

I usually just lurk and respond when I see a post I can relate to. I immediately had to respond to your post. H and I have had a million arguments about my cell phone. I truly hate the damn thing. He's really the only reason I have it, well, I have two young children but seriously, didn't many of us get along fine without them for years??

If I've forgotten to charge mine and tell him, I get attitude. If I have it but don't hear it ring, it's a fight. Especially if I'm out with friends, because that's already been a big fight. If I don't answer the phone then it's the whole, how do I know you're where you say you are, why can't you answer the phone, you just don't care enough about me, blah, blah, blah. For awhile I didn't have a phone, mainly because in my opinion we couldn't afford it (also because of him) and also because he was driving me nuts about it. When more money started coming in he right away wanted me to get a phone and promised up and down he wouldn't abuse it. Right.

I just want you to know I feel for you and can totally relate, unfortunately. I'm glad we're all here to support each other but the fact that we're all here in the first place really stinks, doesn't it?

I know that feeling of dread you have. It's awful. I wish I could give you some advice but I'm still struggling myself right now. I'm trying to get strong enough to tell him he needs to go. Someday, hopefully soon, I'll get there. I hope you can get strong and regain yourself enough to find that peace that you had started to find in the past. I wish you the best.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 1:25pm

Hi Lisa, ty for responding.It helps to know that I am not alone, and that someone does understand what I'm going through.This board has truly been a blessing for me,lots of great women here.
I've said before, my H doesn't physically abuse me,nor does he right out put me down or call me names.He's all about control.Which is why I find myself so frustrated most of the time.It's a kind of abuse that can't be seen by others,at least not in my situation.My H is a pro at hiding it,always so nice and personable to others.My best friend and my mom are the only ones who have actually witnessed it.
I think that's one of the reasons why I find it so hard to leave.When we separated last summer, he had everyone fooled and feeling sorry for him.Of course I was the bad guy for leaving such a "wonderful husband and father".I suppose I cared too much what others thought.And I know I shouldn't. After all,I'm the one living this nightmare..not them.

The little things, like the cell phone issue, drive me insane.I said to my H exactly what you said in your post, that we got along fine without them for years.I said to him.."why don't you just put a homing device on my ankle for God sake! then you could keep up with my every move." lol He didn't find it humorous,but it felt good to stand up to him!
Someday, God willing, we'll all be free. Hugs and best wishes to you.

Serenity

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:48pm

My H is the same way. He doesn't call me names and has never hit me (although he has hit the wall, kicked and slammed doors, thrown the phone, etc.), but is all about the psychological control. And to others he seems like the best husband and father as well. When we'd be out with friends, years ago, I remember the wife of a good friend saying "J-- is always saying such nice things about you and always says how much he loves you. I wish my husband was more like that...." And I remember thinking to myself, yeah, if he's so great why do I feel so awful? Because at home and when no one else is around it's a different story. It's so hard to explain to someone who isn't experiencing it. The only thing is, his parents/family know there are issues. They just like to try to fix them with money, helping us pay bills and buy a house thinking that it's "just stress and having 2 small children that's making things difficult". I know they love me and don't want me to leave him but they don't live with him every day. And his sister readily admits she never could! So, I can confide some things in her.

It is very frustrating. The ups and downs, the bad feelings that you can't always put your finger on, the tension, the never knowing how he'll react to a situation because he's never consistent - it's enough to make you feel crazy. Thankfully, as you said, the ladies on this board are great and little by little, by reading posts and sharing here and there, I feel less crazy.

Thanks for listening. It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

And, I'm sure someday you can find the strength to leave for good. The fact that you separated for awhile shows that, don't you think? It's difficult not to be affected by how other people think and how easy it is to feel guilty, especially when children are involved. That's my biggest fear, but you're right. You are the one living the nightmare (and I mine) no one else is. And it's your decision to make, no one elses.

Sorry if I'm kind of rambling here. Hang in there.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:45pm
Vent away, hon. You already know that to have a peaceful life, he will have to be out of it, so I won't bludgeon you with that one again. When you are ready, you are ready.
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