Changes on the Way?
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| Sat, 01-22-2005 - 3:14pm |
I went to a psychologist yesterday regarding the depression I have with the issues concerning my 7 year old. I posted a few days ago about it. She always cries, acts like she is traumatized, and just doesn't want to leave him after visitation.
Counselor seems to think it is a matter of daddy's influence and games. I hate to think of it that way...I know she loves her daddy. But as I was talking to the Dr. she seems to think it is the things he says. She does this crying and carrying on, and instead of encouraging her to come home, Eric says in front of me "see the kids don't want to come back to you" and tells her "you can tell the judge you want to live with me."
The counselor thought it was serious enough to call my lawyer. She called the lawyer when I was sitting there. She recommended counseling for him and the kids, and to get it court ordered. We have a hearing coming up on the 31st for child support issues, but she said this definately needed to be addressed as well. If he doesn't get this corrected he needs the absolute minimal visitation.
I hate all this. I don't want her dad forced out of her life. I still don't know whether this is just a matter of being close to her dad, and she just doesn't want to leave him. I'm just thinking to myself, I should have stayed in that marriage and put up with him, rather than to have my kids go through this. Last 3 years they have been put through hell with all the conflict. (he fought me 2 years for custody)
I have found that even divorcing him didn't help. I have many more issues to deal with now. It has been an endless battle, with lawyer's and court hearings. We fought when we were married, but now it's been an all out war over the kids. I hate to think of all we've put them through. I often wonder if they will turn out ok. It has been 3 years of hell.

Jody-I can understand the hurt you may be feeling but believe me when I tell you, HIS influence on your children is shining bright! You're ex should never make them feel like coming home to you is a chore they don't want to do...they have two homes now and should be equally happy in both. So your therapist was right in calling your attorney and there is reason to worry.
The last three years are you fighting to give them a loving and stable home...something obviously your ex is not willing to do. NEVER, NEVER, EVER HURT A CHILD!!! They are the most precious things in the world and should be treated as such. One day your ex will GROW UP and realize this, and if he doesn't, then his kids will grow up resentful towards him.
DO NOT doubt your love for your children and it is very natural that most parents, whether together or divorced, all love and care for thier children. However, we married the ones that are vindictive and are only out to use the children as pawns in a chess game. Hopefully, time will tell the truth and your ex will look like an a$$ as I'm sure mine will.
Take care and keep us abreast of what's going on...
I have to go to work but I want you to know how proud of you I am & how over the moon I feel.
You're not pushing him out of your daughters life but he does need to be tault a sharp lesson. I told you his antics are nothing less than child abuse & if he was hitting her you would take steps to protect her. This is the same thing. You are doing what any strong protective mother would do to keep her child safe & sane.
Will post soon
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Remember what I told you? With abusers it's divide & conquer. They have the best weapons in the world. The children.
When I left the X it was WWIII for a while there. He would turn up without calling, come into the house & help himself to the girls belongings when I wasn't there, scream at me in front of the kids, get me to run his errands & I'd do them just to keep the peace. On New Years Day 2001 I was having coffee with a friend when he took them off my brother who was babysitting. My brother tried to stop him, he ended up hanging off the bonnet of the car as the X drove out of the drive way. I called the police who informed me without a court order for custody in place he was entitled to keep them & if he didn't want to bring him back he didn't have to. I was having hysterics, I didn't care what the law said, I'm their mother & they were mine. The police tracked him down at his fathers & checked that they were safe. I didn't trust him, he'd given me some nasty surprises over the years & you read shocking things these men do in the news. Anyway he returned them that night on the condition he had them every second day. That's when I first went to court. I'd hoped I could sort things out between ourselves & not involve strangers in our business but I learned a harsh, frightening lesson that day. Leaving him had made things worse for a little while until he learned where the boundaries were. He was like a child pushing & testing me to see how far he could go.
That's what your X is doing. He's taken advantage of the fact you want to be fair & even handed for your children's sake. You still can be but not before he learns the rules & boundaries. My X bad mouthed me to the girls because it was his most powerful weapon. He's created a situation for your daughter that is so enticing she won't want to leave. He is truly evil to manipulate a small child, it's almost like the way a pedophile seduces their prey. If she was older, say 14 or 15 you could let her live with him. Once he had her he's stop the pretense of loving indulgent father. Then she'd come back to you & you would be able to repair the damage but it's not an option while she's so little. You have to assert your authority not only over him but her as well. You have to let everyone know who is in charge here. I found that the hardest thing. I'd always been so complacent. I had to find the skills needed to stand up for my rights as a mother, not just regarding time they spend with me but also the respect I am due as their mother. As far as I'm aware he has stopped running me down in front of them but the damage has been done & there is still a lot of ground that needs to be made up.
You have more allies than you think you do. You are not alone, but you have to find that energy & strength it takes to fight the good fight. If you give her to her father she will think you gave up on her & abandoned her when she is older. She won't remember or care how difficult it was for you. I know she doesn't appear to be very happy with you at the moment but children always sulk when they don't get their own way. You just have to stand firm. It's not important that she likes you at the moment, it's imperative you do what's in her best interests. My kids begged me to drop changing the orders but I stood firm. It was hard sending them to their Dad's knowing he would spend the whole time whining & making them miserable but once he got it through his thick head I meant business things calmed down. I'd created a rod for my own back giving him his own way all the time. The girls still misbehave & can be hard to handle but it's gradually getting better. It will for you & you have my support for what it's worth.
Love, patience & discipline will change her attitude, it's not her fault so don't take it personally, god knows what he's told her. When I finally pumped the girls for some information I was shocked at the bile the X was spewing. Let us know how things went this weekend, I was thinking of you & hoping it would be ok.
The X dropped my feral's off on Monday with the added gift of lice so I'm off to to get rid of them before school starts again here on Thursday. It's a real plague at the moment. The house was spotless when they got home & it looks like a tip again but I've decided I don't care. I'm just so pleased to have them back. They got a good dose of sunburn too, their Grandma was Indian so it takes a lot to burn them, unlike my poor son. He has red hair & fair skin & can't go outside in the summer at all, he blisters within 20 minuets!
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxx
So I guess your kids had fun for the ten days with their dad. They had a break from school in January? I'm dying my hair right now. I dyed it yesterday but it turned out clown red. I'm putting a brown color over it right now, hope it turns out.
This weekend went ok. The wife came and picked up the kids on Fri and dropped them off on time Sunday night. My oldest daughter came back ok. Sometimes she does come back ok, and I can tell if daddy's been at work most of the weekend or not. She doesn't want to come back if there is no school on Monday either. She thinks she should be over there every day she doesn't have school.
One thing did happened that bothered me though. X told the kids he was enrolling them in a private school by his house. My daughter said they even have the uniforms to wear. I could tell the X thinks I will be giving in soon and just letting the kids stay over there.
I have been preparing for Monday's hearing. I faxed some things over to the lawyer's office yesterday.
Did either of your daughters just kick and scream sometimes coming back from their dad's? Like you were pulling teeth to try and get them back? I don't have it every time, but like 85% of the time my oldest daughter is having a fit saying she doesn't want to come back.
Well I am gonna blow dry my hair and see what color it turned out this time. Jody.
Hey Jody,
I am just going to offer some advice here and maybe it will be a little hard. From what I see from your post, he is still trying to control everything. He already assumes that you won't stand up to him when the chips come down. He may have a nicer house, give the kids privileges you can't afford, but the bottom line is those are your kids too and they don't need "special" anything to survive. He's got you on autopilot now. You need to turn off the switch. He is brainwashing the kids to believe what he wants is what they want. You need to go one step beyond that and figure out what is best for those girls. This decision is in your heart and all you have to do is act on it. I backed off so many times in my life because it was what he thought was best. This guy wants it all. If you are not careful, he will convince them that this is the better route to go. He is doing it every time they are over there. If something is bothering you, act on it. I don't remember how many times I backed off when I should have reacted to my gut instinct. Your X has a plan and will do whatever he can to make sure it runs smoothly. The behavior your kids are displaying to you is not normal. They are being torn and played by their father. He already brought you down to nothing and is now securing the lock by convincing the little ones that his grass is so much greener. Children should never be a battleground, but if one adult chooses to use them as such, you need to counteract it with your own bullets...yourself and the loving person you are.
I know my kids behavior is not normal. That is why it is killing me. I am doing everything I can think of to do outside hiring a hitman.
I am doing everything I can to try to turn off that switch. Like another poster has told me, the kids spend far too much time over and he has too much influence. If the kids only saw him the typical every other weekend I don't think I would have this problem.
Some people have even told me the relationship between my oldest and her father is not normal. A couple family members of mine asked me if there was a possibitilty of sexual abuse. I have wondered that myself because there have been a couple weird incidents I heard about over the years. But I thought it would be the other way around-that they would not want to go over there.
Jody,
I know this must be hurting you real bad. But the switch is where you can easily access it. It is in your brain. You know you are an okay person. Don't look to see what he is doing wrong, look to see what you can do in your life to make it better for you and go for it...that's exactly what he is doing. They are your children. What I didn't understand for a long time was that I was looking through some sort of window and watching events transpire thinking I had no control over them. It was hard to open that window, but once I scraped at the old paint that was making it stick and opened it up...I never went back. There will be rough roads, indecision, to blow out days, but they becaome less and less. One thing that you have to realize is that you are their mother and you brought them into this world. You love them and that is what all really matters. If that idiot chooses to degrade who you are and what you are about, it will be his own self destruction in the end. Keep your own house rules and demand the right to have the time with the children that is yours. It will all work out....I promise
I'm glad she was a little better for you. I was worried. There is only so much stress a person can take.
Yes, the girls had a wonderful time with their Dad but they were glad to be home. Things have changed quite a bit for us all over the last 8 months. They would never have admitted to their father that they missed me. I know the change in attitude has to do with the new GF. He was alone for 4 years & it must have taught him a sharp lesson. It doesn't mean I've let my guard down, he has these periods of good behavior then reverts back to being a s%#t.
I never had kicking & screaming with the girls but I would have terrible behavior from them sometimes for days after they were returned. They would make a shocking mess of the house, destroy my possessions behind my back, cheek me etc. I couldn't enjoy them one bit. They never withdrew their affection thank God, but they were & still can be hard work. The X would fill them with tripe about living with them (especially Kathleen) but I was lucky, he didn't have some house elf looking after them. He was happy to hand them back 50% of the time because he wanted a break. As they get older they are becoming wiser to his moods & manipulative tactics. They have their moments where he's a pain in the ass & are glad to see the back of him.
Well your X has dug one hell of a hole for himself. Enrolling them in a school & even going as far as buying their uniforms is breathtaking in its arrogance. The misdemeanors just keep piling up. I assure you no court in it's right mind will give him more time let alone hand them over. I don't know about sexual abuse. I wouldn't bring it up unless you have hard evidence but it's always something we have to keep in mind with these men. He does appear to be seducing her, not in a sexual fashion but then again it never starts off that way. As my mother sagely pointed out to me the sexual abuse generally doesn't start until the child is about 9 years old or over. It's not a hard & fast rule but thats usually when it happens. My X gave me a few suspicious moments too. I called a police expert who listened to my concerns & came to the conclusion he wasn't doing anything fruity but to keep an eye on things. Until recently he & the girls were still sleeping in the same bed. I had no idea but I cut that little practice out. He was furious, as far as he was concerned what went on in his house was none of my business. I told him we could ask the court to decide if visitation needed to be curtailed. That stopped him in his tracks. He still favors my eldest far too much. I find it creepy & I won't let my guard down. Anyway, I'm very hopeful for you when you have the hearing. He's made himself look like an arrogant pratt. Use it to your advantage.
I once dyed my hair clown red. I'm what you'd call a brownette so I need some colour to perk things up. I was mortified, I couldn't afford to go to a hairdresser. The bugger of it was I was also looking for a job at the time & every interview I went to I'd try to explain I'd had an accident with the dye bottle. I must have appeared really pathetic because I didn't land a job until the colour had washed out. I washed it twice a day for two weeks until it faded. My poor hair was a mess! I've had a few disasters over the years & one thing I've learned is not to touch my hair if I'm getting a visit from the cardinal if you know what I mean. Did yours come out ok?
Summer holidays start here a week before Xmas & finished 27/1. The girls went back to their Catholic Primay school & my 12 year old started secondary school. Between the heat & all the running around & organizing I've had to do I'm worn out. It's also stressful parting with lots of money. We're supposed to have free education here, it's more like we're free to empty our bank accounts to the schools!
Let us know how things go for you on Monday. I'll be lighting a candle for you & sending positive thoughts.
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx