the children

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
the children
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:43am

In the two months since my ex went crazy on me, I've had a hundred lightbulb moments. I've read a couple of books and done a lot of reading on the messageboards, and feel that I understand so much more now than I did before. I wish I'd had all this knowledge when I was younger.

The one thing I want to point out is how extremely important it is for children to grow up in a loving home. My father verbally abused my mother ever since I can remember, and it continues to this day. However, I didn't know it was verbal abuse, because he said a lot of things when he was "kidding around," but the things he said were cruel. He made fun of her weight, the way she cooked...hell, just about anything she did was wrong.

And he trained me to treat her the same way.

He didn't aim too much verbal abuse at me, but I had my share. That and some inappropriate comments and touching when I became a teenager.

He called strong women "castrating females."

As a result of all that...well, my father pretty much raised me to be a misogynist. My sexual identity has always been pretty screwed up. I've never felt like I had anything in common with other women, and I didn't think too much of them because I had never known any truly strong, intelligent, independent women when I was growing up.

I always felt very guilty and confused about this until recently when I realized that I watched the number one female in my life degraded day after day. She had a full time job and friends of her own, but her life had to center around "the King." When he doesn't get his way he pouts, gets very mean, or he gives her the silent treatment. I guess she figured out a long time ago that it was easier to give in than to stand up to him. She makes token attempts to assert herself, but they're really just a show.

So if you have children, and your husband abuses you in front of them, remember this. Your children most likely are going to side with him and learn to despise you. The best thing you could possibly do is to get yourself and those kids out away from him.

I'm not doing so well these days. I spent most of my life seriously underweight and have health problems now that keep me from being able to work. I've struggled with depression my entire life. I'm recovering from an abusive relationship with a sociopath and still in a state of shock about it all. But at least now I have an understanding. That's a good place to start rebuilding.