CL of another board says this is abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
CL of another board says this is abuse
18
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 7:16am

Hi there. I am a frequenter of the Problem Solving for Couples - Relationship Problems board, and the CL there urged me to post my thread to this board and see what you all thought. If you want some background (and the CL's response), I have a thread there right now (I don't know how to paste the link in!).

OK, I'm feeling really discouraged. Last night I called my bf around 8 and he said he'd be over in a bit. 10 o'clock rolls around and he's still not here. So I called him and asked him if he was still coming over, and he said he'd be over in a bit. I was irritated. When he finally got here at 10:40, I had decided to not bring it up, no big deal (because it wouldn't be very nice if the first thing I said to him when he walks in the door is 'why weren't you here sooner?'). I figured maybe later I would ask him if he could let me know a little more accurately when I should expect to see him.

So he got here and could tell within minutes I was irritated and got mad that I was giving him attitude. I told him I didn't mean to, and then told him (very calmly) that I was irritated because I had been waiting for him for almost 3 hours. He continued to yell about me giving him attitude, so I told him I wasn't going to be a part of this conversation. He got up and yelled that he was leaving then because he can't do anything right - he didn't get here when I wanted him to, he doesn't handle things the way I want him to (these things were said sarcastically). I told him (still calmly - no sarcasm) I wouldn't care that he came over at 10:40 if he would have told me so I wouldn't have been waiting for him. He stormed out saying that I need to learn.

Only once did I raise my voice or say anything that wasn't geared towards resolving - I yelled at him as he was walking out the door that he needs to learn to stop telling me what to learn. I decided last night that I wouldn't call him (because when these kinds of things happen, its usually me who chases him out, or calls him in the morning telling him I could have handled things differently, and getting him to talk about what he could have done differently). I was so hoping (though not expecting) I'd get an apology from him today, but that didn't happen. Is this a silly game that I'm playing (not calling him)? Its possible that he'll be very apologetic when we talk. I just don't know how to handle this so that we can still try to move forward. Any advice?

In a follow-up post from me:

I feel like I should clarify my last message...I don't give a hoot when he came over last night. Its the fact the got so angry and couldn't talk to me about it. He had to get nasty and storm out - he was not even here for ten minutes. It makes me wonder some things. Like, why do I make his so angry? That can't be good. I also wonder, am I expecting him to change his "values" when I expect that he not yell at me and get nasty whenever there is anything even slightly negative in the air? (I've just spent some time reading iamlinkgirl's old thread about compromise vs. changing values). I'm just very concerned and upset and he already knows how I feel; we've talked this to death it seems. He just doesn't think a) that he has a problem with him temper, and b)that its wrong to yell and be "passionate" when fighting. So maybe these are his values and I shouldn't expect them to change?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 1:05am

You're welcome. I am glad at least, that alcohol isnt an issue - at this point. But i bet the times he is his worst, from what you haev written, he has drank. As you know, alcohol will lower inhibitions & things that normally wouldnt come out, do.


Yes, i know WAY too much about it. & i hope you head our warnings. Stick around, read the archives ... if you follow your head, you will be fine. Take care, R~

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 11:58am


I don't post often, but I had to try to chime in here. You sound like I did for 22 years. "Well, maybe he IS right, maybe it IS me." No, it isn't you. Even if those are his values and traits the situation is still clearly not leaving you both with a healthy relationship. But ask yourself this...if you gave someone your word you would meet them at a certain time would you do your best to be there at that time? If you couldn't would you let them know something came up? When you finally got to them would you apologize for the delay in plans and give them a reason you were late? I finally had to get a grip on the truth by looking at each situation in terms of other people. I bet you would give him that much respect. I bet he probably gives other people that respect.

My STBX uses his tempter to pick fights so he has a reason to do what he really wants...like leave to go to that bar. Pick a fight to walk out and say he needs to calm down. In the time away he was connecting whatever woman was around because it was punishment because I needed to learn a lesson. Of course I didn't realize that for years because I believed he just needed to get away from me and MY problems.

As for not having problems with alcohol, well, I think he is on his way. Sure, we all have a drink to celebrate now and then...or even have a few too many from time to time. But look at the timing of his drinking. Stress from exams being over. A fight with you and he runs to a bar and drinks more. He is using it as a tool. Really think about his drinking patterns. He is setting a pattern which will only worsen. My STBX did it EXACTLY this way and now he can't live without some kind of high every day.

My STBX didn't flat out abuse me at first. He did "put me in my place", have a HORRIBLE temper, and "teach" me lessons with his silence...but I thought I needed to grow because I really MUST have the problem. He was so smart and had great grades. People loved him and raved about his abilities. I was told I was so lucky someone like him wanted me. It HAD to be me. I HAD to be the clinging vine he said, the troubled one.

The moment I said I do his real self showed up. Honestly, the morning after our wedding he let his abuse show. I was every nasty name in the book. Stupid, ugly, a burden. I went from a bride to a b!tch with the words "I do." He had hooked his fish and didn't need to try anymore. I still though it was me because I was conditioned to. I tried to fix EVERYTHING about me..be smarter, thinner. If only I could love him enough he'd love me back. NOPE. It doesn't work that way. Now 22 years later, used up and feeling every bit as worthless as he has said so many times I'm trying to start over. I've found out in the process he was cheating on me from the start...because I forced him to. I had to actually take my first HIV test..and as I sat there thinking over our life I wondered how I could have EVER believed the problem was with me. I had only loved him and would NEVER do this to him.

What you have now is a very unhealthy relationship. It will only become MORE ill with time. It's like a cancer and will grow until it consumes you. I am your future if you stay. It is easier for you to deal with the loss now then when you're older and beaten down and possibly have children to protect.

There is NEVER an excuse for bad behavior. Never.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 8:14pm

I'm just venting again - daily frustration, ya know?

He called me Saturday and told me he missed me, talked about what he's been up to (he's out of town for a little over a week), acted like nothing happened. I was distant and I'm pretty sure he could tell, but at least he didn't get mad at me for it. He sent me a text message today telling me he was thinking about me with a smiley face. This is so frustrating, because all I can think about is how screwed up this whole situation is and what to do about it, and it seems he's off having a carefree good time. What's worse is that I can have things straight in my head, how firm I have to be and how I'll no longer accept his behavior, and then I get a lovey little text message from him and my resolution seems to fade and I'm thinking "maybe he can change!".

I'm also worried that if I do give him one more chance, he can put on the charm (like he did when we started dating) and make it seem as if the problem is better, only to find out (some wasted months later) that nothing's changed. But, I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, seeing as how he can't even accept that he's not treating me right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 8:41pm

I think your caution is justified as this type of thing is proven time and again.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 9:33pm

Blue is right.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 9:39pm
How does he still have the power to make me feel so bad? He called and was all excited to talk to me, and I was just kind of neutral. He said/yelled that he's had enough of me, that I'm making him miserable, that he's trying so hard and that I'm putting forth no effort at all. I asked him to calm down and just listen to me so I could explain that I can't just forget the way things have been because that won't improve anything. I told him to stop yelling at me, and he said sarcastically "Oh yeah, I'm yelling at you, I'm abusing you." He said/yelled that he's had enough of me, no makeups this time, no I'm sorry's, goodbye. I hung up before he could say anything else. What kills me is that I'm sitting here crying. I was living in a dream world thinking he would come back, we'd have a serious discussion about how his behavior needs to change, he would be really accepting of that and make some real effort to change, and that we'd live happily ever after. How did I get so diluted??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 5:26pm

I'm really nervous about posting this, because I think I feel good about the conversation last night, and I'm a little scared that y'all are gonna' set me straight :)

He came home two days ago, and called me yesterday (said he didn't call sooner because he just didn't know what to say, if we could fix things, etc). We made some uncomfortable small talk and then I asked what are we doing here. He asked if I wanted to talk, and I said I'd be willing to. So, I went over there and we talked. He was saying how he thinks that our conversations have just gotten so ugly and tangled and that we can just get past that. I said that he was right, but that I have a real problem here that needs to be addressed - that I cannot (and will not) tolerate being treated the way he's been treating me. So we talked about that. Not once did he turn anything around on me, be defensive, accuse me of anything, raise his voice, or call me names. He said that the way he treated me was wrong and innappropriate and it never should have happened. He wasn't on his knees begging and pleading (in fact, it took me a bit to realize that he was actually going to have a real conversation with me - because he didn't just immediately pour his heart out). But, he did very calmly tell me that he's not going to let it happen again. He said that he doesn't want to be the kind of man he's been with me. Again, this was not in tears, begging me to stay with him. I don't think I would have trusted that.

I'm not picturing our wedding or anything, but I think this is at least a good first step. I'm keeping the post "how to tell if he's changing" in the front of my mind, and I won't tolerate any more mistreatment (and I told him that). I think I'm being smart about it. I told him I'd need an adjustment period to get comfortable with him again, to strengthen my trust in him again. He said he didn't like the idea of a probationary period, but that he understood that I have reservations and can't just flip a switch. I also asked him if he minds us talking about this once in a while (how things are going, if things are changing for the better) and he said of course we could.

I guess I'd like to make sure I'm not being foolish here (ya' know how our judgment is a little screwed up when we're in the thick of it?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 6:45pm
No hun you're not at all foolish.
5yrssm 

Pages