Claritysblue is thankful for freedom!
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Claritysblue is thankful for freedom!
|Thu, 11-28-2013 - 3:56pm|
Many years ago in what feels an alternate universe a younger, terrified version of me used to pour her broken heart out here under the username Claritysblue. Some of the lovely ladies who I see still holding hands here used to hold mine as I wavered and cried. My babies were young, my world was a mess, and every day was a burden that felt like it would break my back.
I came back today to add my voice to the many strong women who can say with confidence and experience that there is life after abuse. Not just survival either, there is a life full of freedom, grace, and most importantly peace for anyone who can find the strength and courage to get away and STAY away from their abuser. The only limiting factor is you.
I left many times. I went back almost as many. I tried to fix a broken man for longer than anyone else could understand. I finally stopped trying bc he was breaking me.
He swore that no one else would ever love me like he did. I learned that his 'love' hurt and no one would ever hurt me the way he did, partly bc most people aren't aholes and partly bc thanks to my ex I now see the scary ones coming. Every single guy I've dated since has been a billion times better than him.
He swore that no one would take care of me the way he did. I learned that at security comes from taking care of yourself and I built a good life without him.
He swore that every time I left I would just come running back, that I could never live without him, and for over a decade that man was right. What he didn't realize was each time I came back a little part of me stayed gone. I kept more and more of my mind to myself until eventually I left and stayed gone. When i was sure it was for good i got a gigantic tattoo down the length of my back. It says 'fall down seven times, stand up eight' since it takes the average DV victims 7 times to leave and stay gone. If you go back don't hate yourself or beat yourself up. Regroup and save up your energy until you can try it again. Just bc you've fallen before doesn't mean you'll fall down forever. Suck it up buttercup and try it again. Each time will bring you closer to freedom. The only thing you're wasting is time and better late than never!
He swore he would never let me go. It seems that he was right. He still stalks me, threatens me, texts and calls me to spew out hatred on a regular basis despite an entire year of no contact. He still hurts my children to get to me and makes me life harder in many ways. The nightmare won't be over for good until he moves away or dies. April I was both happy and jealous of you when I read that your boogyman died!
But every bit of freedom I have is hard won and sweet, and every night I come home with the knowledge that my evening will be calm and predictable and I won't deal with his rage. He may still try to hurt me but I've built a life of safety and happiness that he can't get in. Every day the walls get a little stronger and he can rattle the windows all he wants but I won't let him in.
Leaving used to feel so incredibly hard and scary, but nothing I've done since had been as impossible as living with him. It takes so much more strength and energy to stay and be brutalized every day; if you are strong enough to survive in that hell you're more than brave enough to get away. Put half that energy into surviving on your own and you'll never suffer like that again.
It takes a while to find your equilibrium. The way you feel in the first six months away is not how you'll feel forever. Wait it out. Have faith. It's like quitting smoking or going to AA, it gets so much easier the longer you're gone. We should really hand out dv chips, white for a week, blue for a month, red for a year, etc. every milestone is a victory and with every day it gets a little easier. There will come a day where the thought of going back makes you laugh instead of cry. When you're no longer fighting yourself and your desire to go back, instead you think of your new life and know you would never give it up. When you finally realize he can't MAKE you do anything, ever again, that he's just a hollow boogyman shaking the windows and rattling the doors of the home hell never destroy again. Then as Buddha says you will realize how perfect everything is and you will throw your head back and laugh at the sky.
That's how I feel this thanksgiving and I thought you should know. Hugs to each one of you who have walked this very lonely road. Please know you don't walk it alone.