Co dependency (thoughts for the day)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Co dependency (thoughts for the day)
5
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 1:14pm

Hello everyone;

lately I still can sense and know the codependency rear its ugly head no matter how much therapy or healing I have done it still comes about.. I am way better than I was but once in awhile it still comes through.... although I continue to work and work on my negative beliefs and all of it...............

Example is that maybe when I left home in 2006 I kinda looked back because although I was glad to be away from a toxic and mental man who yelled at me alot and did all kinds of crazy th ings I missed my house and the lifestyle that I had.. I still miss it to this day.. and sometimes I still even miss the marriage.. and some of the good qualties this man had....

He has thus moved far away and in with his latest victim but some days I cant shake what happened and feel like it was a dream or maybe a nightmare that I had to wake up from...

I know now its not good to look back because while we were divorcing I had to live with him in our marital home while he went off with his gfriend or women and suported them and that bothered me at times so much and stung big time and to this day I am so mad about all of that upon the advice of my lawyer... some days I want so bad to turn back the clock and I cant..

some days I feel sorry for him and other days I wish him dead....

So what is the deal.. What is wrong with me..................maybe thinking its a trigger day but cant think of anything..

thanks for letting me vent...

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 03-30-2013 - 10:57am

Free,

I understand your ambivalent thoughts and feelings...

One of the reasons for maintaining No Contact is so we can really see things and our "Abuser" for what and who they are.

In the beginning we desperately HOPE they will change but ultimately we change...

I don't miss what I had or who but what I thought I had and who...do you know what I mean?

It was a night-mare for the MOST part and I am so glad I made that decision to be Free...

We deserve better...

He was a MONSTER and when I saw his true colours I was scared...

Still is but I am not scared anymore I am Free!

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 03-31-2013 - 12:51pm

Hi and thank You so much Lori.. Yes the reason my user name is freeatlast.... (lol)

I know exactly what you are saying and its way less and less now and I am doing fine but I feel some days I still visit those dark places..

Abusers as you know have that charming ability to keep us sucked in for a very long time.. For me it was almost 11 years but with the strength from God and family and friends and counseling and message boards I got away and stayed away for good.. But that doesnt mean I still dont think about it all and still need that validation from time to time.. Now though I get the validation from many sources because yes the journey is long and hard but well worth the trip....It is def. not easy to leave someone you loved but like you said we think what we want them to be and not who they really are..

I think its that my best guy friend in the whole wide world passed away last week and so my brain and emotions are all over the place..

Thanks Lori.. God Bless

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 9:36pm

Well, I just remembered I don't get my color to post with anymore. Yell  Free, it's okay to visit the dark places sometimes to remember and recenter.  As long as you don't DWELL there for an extended period of time.  It's also okay to revisit some of the good times.  To see that it wasn't ALL bad, there were some good times. When I took WO to FLorida last year to see where she was born and to meet her half sister, it was a very strange experience.  To take her to some of the very same places where I had such a good time, looking for shark's teeth, shells, foundlings, was to take a journey back in time to when I was still with the abuser. I have the luxury of knowing that he will never haunt me again because he is deceased, so it was really okay to visit that place.  She got a better understanding of her mom.  You can't change the past, K, but you can change your future.  Hang in there, 11 years is a long time from which to recover but you're doing just fine so far.  Bottom  line, you've moved on.

Mama Harmony

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 6:48pm

~hugs~

Free

It's okay, I still find myself in those dark places to but it's definitely getting better...

<3

Lorie

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 6:50pm

~hugs~
Awesome Mama H...:)...

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Nightangel