Coming out of the pit, I think
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| Mon, 02-21-2005 - 2:32pm |
The past few weeks have been the lowest of my life. I entered a really deep depression, which is not at all typical of me. I am normally a very positive, happy person, and this relationship has basically destroyed me. I was suicidal, cried every day, and pretty much just stayed in bed and functioned minimally, and am just now getting back into my life. I saw two psychologists, who both tell me that I am dealing with too much. One of them specifically stated that he was concerned about the abusive situation I am living in, before I even touched the surface of that topic. It was like he could "tell" what was going on without me even saying anything, if that makes any sense.
During this period of time, I asked my BF, for the first time since we've been together (about 6 months), for some real, solid emotional support. His response was to actually get angry with me and he said "I wish I could be there for you, but I've got enough problems of my own right now", and he then didn't even bother to call me to check up on me. It's bad enough I couldn't see him, but to not even hear from him when I really needed someone desperately just threw me further into depression.
Anyway, I finally decided that I need to get away from it all to get some persective. I booked a trip to the other side of the country, and will leave in a few days and stay for just under a week. I'm hoping it will help clear the cobwebs of confusion and give me back a little piece of who I am so I can start moving forward.
My BF has acted very strange for the past couple of weeks, and over valentines he was especially tortuous. He said he had a "3 part" gift for me, and held it over my head for days. I've still yet to receive the 3rd gift. On V day, he was nasty, and threatened me that unless he got his gift by a specific time, he would sleep with his ex wife, who has been trying to reconcile with him lately (that's a whole other issue I'm concerned about).
My BF has some legal troubles and I've been extremely supportive of him- doing his laundry, being his sounding board, scheduling 2 hotel nights for him to stay and just to relax, being emotionally supportive and encouraging, showing to court, etc. He actually had the audacity to start yelling at me last week, accusing me of failing to show support for him, and then he hung up on me. I called him later and told him I don't know what else I could possibly do. I already put all of my obligations on the back burner to help him with his problems.
Last night was the kicker. He was playing his sport again with that woman I caught him flirting with weeks ago. I asked him if I could show up to the game. He said I could, but tried to discourage me from coming with some lame excuses. As it so happened, I had to look into something for a sport I'm considering in that same area anyway, so I told him I'd just show up to his game when I was done. As I was pulling into the parking lot, he called to tell me that I shouldn't come in because his ex wife was there and he didn't want us to run into each other. His voice sounded strange. I circled the parking lot trying to figure out what to do, and noticed that his ex wife's car was not there, which made me suspicious. So, with nothing better to do, I decided to drive by her house to see if I could confirm my suspicions that he was lying to me. Sure enough, when I got there, her car was in the driveway and it was covered with snow, so I know she hadn't gone out. I was so mad. Why would he lie to me about that unless he wanted to buy some more time at his game without me there to witness his activities? I then thought to myself, well maybe his XW took someone else's car, so (this shocked even myself- I've been doing a ton of out of character things lately) I called his XW's home phone number. When she answered, I hung up and I knew without a doubt that she was not at his game. I drove right back to the game, marched in there, and as soon as his little "girlfriend" on the court saw me, she ran right over to him and whispered something in his ear. He muttered "unbelievable". I don't know if it was about me or the game, but I didn't care. I started chatting with the guys hanging around watching the game and introduced myself to the cutest guy there and we talked for a while, even after my BF's game ended.
My BF was PO'd, but I had had it. He said he wanted to "have a talk" with me and we went to his car. He asked if I'd given my phone number to anyone I'd been talking with and I answered honestly- no, I hadn't. He claims someone told him they saw me give someone my number. I think he's full of #*(@. I told him I don't lie to him and I was being sociable with the people there since he had previously accused me of being unfriendly. (of course, I suppose I didn't have to pick the cutest guy to talk with, but who cares? We were just talking.)
Anyway, I then turned the tables on my BF and said that now that we'd cleared up the phone number thing, I had a question for him. I said "why did you tell me your XW was here tonight when she wasn't?" He was startled and then said she had been there. I told him that I knew she hadn't been there because I'd driven by her house and called her. He was shocked and really angry, though he didn't yell at this time. He became very distant, eerily calm, and got the nastiest look on his face. He looked away from me the entire time and threatened to break up with me, but didn't actually do it. I told him that I am honest with him and he needs to be honest with me. If he isn't happy with me and wants someone else, he needs to let me know because he is breaking my heart and it isn't fair and I can't take it. He tried making excuses for his "story", but I had evidence that refuted every argument he made. I told him I loved him and I'm not angry, but I feel like I'd been lied to, even though he was still denying lying to me and was really angry that I'd checked up on him. I think he was just in shock that I'd caught him in a lie he knew he couldn't talk his way out of.
Today, he called me and said he wants to see me tonight. I figure he'll probably break up with me then. Either that, or he'll just not show up, which would be typical of him. He told me on the phone a while ago that he talked with his XW and she had taken another person's car and had stayed for less time than he had thought. I figure, perhaps that could be true, but it seems to me to be a likely story for someone who'd had more than 12 hours to come up with an "alibi". When we talked last night, he had said she was there AT THAT TIME. Come on, like he'd mistake his XW for someone else??? But now there is that shred of doubt in me. My gut tells me he's lying through his teeth, yet now he's planted a seed of doubt that is making me think perhaps I'm wrong and should apologize. What do you all think? Should I apologize? I know that it's totally a co-dependendent trait to check up on people and that it isn't really nice, but I also feel like how else will I ever know for sure if he's lying or being truthful?
I felt strong when I confronted him yesterday, and I had no regrets after like I would have had if I'd said nothing. But now, I'm hoping I haven't ruined something that might be good, even though it has never really been good to begin with. OK, I know this is really long and I sound totally pathetic. I don't know how I've turned from a confident woman into the person I am today. Why have I become so needy and clingy and why can't I seem to stop? Can anyone offer any words of wisdom? Or insight into the situation? Do you think I caught him in a lie or do you think I'm being too hasty and inappropriate?

Well, IMO, he sounds like a very controlling individual.
Little confused, Are you coming out of a abusive marriage or relationship or is this the first abusive relationship that you are now in. Because it is what it is. Abuse. Abuse is not normal in any situation, I had it from day one, but didn't have a name for it. (It took along time 30 years). With all my heart I don't want to see this happen to any one. I know many couples and families that do get along. They all have respect for each other, not hate. Take care and be safe.
Luv, Sherry
After everything he's put you through in the last couple of months (heck, WEEKS), he doesn't deserve you, your assistance, support or company.
CL-Blueliner4