Completley Terrified today

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Completley Terrified today
10
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:12pm

after being pushed WAY over my limits ...I spilled it ...all of it ..about my Affair.

I felt like I needed to be honest ,for my reasons.So I did .
this was a fear of his for years...He knew about some of it ..but not all the details ...so now he knows everything .

I told him ( abd this IS the truth ) if I had not been scared to talk to him ,I would have told him a long time ago ) but I felt like I couldnt ,I knew how he would have reacted ( he agreed he would have gotten real mean )

I told him that I am still deeply in love with the other man ,and that I am not in love with him ...His initial reaction was " I can make you love me , and forget about him .(BS)

He cried ,of course ,...then he told me that he didnt care what I had done ,and that he loved me and wanted me back ,and he would do anyhting to keep me .I told him that I DO have some sort of feelings for him still ,but not love ,just familiar feelings I guess .

I told him I was scared now of what he would do to me ...he promised that he was not mad and that he wouldnt hurt me ever again .

I dont know whether to trust him ,I think "mr. hyde " will rear his ugly head soon
once the anger builds up .I held the phone in my hand the whloe time we were talking in order to dial 911 quickly , if needed .
The whole thing with the abuse ,control ,etc ...was ALL bc of jealousy ...obsessivness ,and possessivness ...he doesnt want anyone else to have me .
even back when there was NO ONE else .

Do you think that I should keep my guard up ,despite what he says ? I have seen dr jekkel and mr hyde WAY too many times ...Its hard for me to believe that he is this calm and forgiving about this ..when this is the one thing that would set him off the most .

Do you think this is the "calm before the storm?"

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 2:05pm

I don't think, I KNOW, this is the calm before the storm, and Mr. Hyde will be back shortly. Is there any way at all you can get out now, or lock him out? This has the potential to develop into a dangerous situation.

Even if it never does, let me ask you one thing. The most common reason that I find people give for going back to an abuser is that the abusee still loves him. It does not sound to me like that is the case for you. So, is there a reason for you to continue in this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:18pm

BC I feel my mind is not my own anymore...bc I feel that I cannot make it with three kids on my own,pysically and finacially...bc I dont want to be lonley..bc I want someone to laugh with ,and spend time with .bc I am scared to be alone ...and bc I miss the man he used to be ...and my life back then...and somehow I have deluded myself into thinking that I can have it back ,if I just be " a good girl"

I cannot help but wonder if he is sincere...I KNOW that it sounds nuts...but i somewhat believe him ...

Our last conversation ...he was saying that he forgives me for everything ...and as long as I can forgive him for being an abusive monster(his words) he can forgive me for being a "slut".
And that he would most likley throw up if he was ever intimate with me again ....kept telling me about how he was going to kill the other man .,...and that he can picture him in a coffin...I just kept quiet and listened to him ...he was at work ...and I heard banging ..I said what are you doing ? he said something about he had to hit something on his truck to make it go back in place or something ..and he said " I like to hit things now " That comment bothered me ..and I said " I dont want you to come home if you are going to hurt me ...he said " if I hear that from you again then I wont come home ,I am NOT going to hurt you ,and I dont want you to be scared of me ,and if you are then I wont come home .I forgive you "" nothing that youd do will ever make me stop loving you ...I cant stand the thoguht of another man with you ....his hands on you ..etc ....

He is calm...kind...(believe me ,for him the above IS kind)seems to be very understanding ..but I have read alot about men who kill at times like this ...is there usually alot of physical abuse that go along with men like that? ....he has only hit me once real bad ...he was very drunk and swears I kicked him(I did not )

I have been wondering that latley ...if it is usually the ones that literally beat their wives that are capable of murder.

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:37pm

Think about Lacey Petersen or Lori Hacking they weren't beaten before they were dead.

Skycat is right. Abusers warehouse and stew about things and then explode. If it were me and my ex I would be afraid when he got home. Of course, he's not going to do anything at work they think he's a great guy, but behind closed doors the true colors come out.

All the things you're feeling are normal, but you know what you'll live and thrive without the crazymaking and threat of being hurt. You have three kids, you probably don't have any privacy let alone time to be totally alone. I'm sure you have or will make new friends to lean on and laugh with. Family to reconnect with and go out with or visit. Leaving is scary, but staying is worse and usually gets worse every time we go back. My ex would leave me scary messages on my phone and then not say anything about them later. He meant what he said and the tone behind it when he said it. And most importantly you can always call your local DV hotline for help and support. I went thru one on one counseling and group thru ours. And I made some really cool friends while there who mean the world to me.

And us you have all of us pulling for you. You know in your gut you want out. You deserve to be loved for you. All of you not just the parts they like. And you can have that and a decent life.

Sorry to ramble, I have been reading your posts and things are escalating, which is dangerous. Please let us know what happens next

-Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:46pm

You have to get away from him now. There are no signs of forgiveness there from what you said, and there are no signs of honesty about not hurting you.

Did he call you a "slut" in the same sentence as claiming to forgive you? I wouldn't take that at all as real forgiveness. Sounds like he has already started giving you a list of warnings: throw up? kill? coffins?physically taking out his anger so that you can hear? telling you he 'likes' to hit things now? They all sound like warnings to me. Serious ones. Sure, he says he won't 'stop loving you' and then follows that with 'BUT'....

There is nothing understanding on his part in what you described. He first forgives, then insults you, then threatens you, then forgives you again, only to continue with a threat. At best, it shows someone who is struggling with anger and frustration. My experience with such types has been that they feel completely justified to release that anger and frustration out on another person, even when they are claiming love at the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 5:07pm

He seems to be getting more and more agressive every time I talk to him ...the more he thinks and stews about it ....

I have called him a few times in the past few hours to "check on him " meaning to see how he is acting now ....

He keeps telling me not to be scared of him .Tells me ( very sternly) "DO NOT raise you voice to me ".I told him that I would not want to live with someone who I was afraid of ,and anyone who can do the things he has done is capable of murder ( I was just feeling him out ) he said " everyone is capable of murder"

now im freaking out .

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:43pm

All I can say is that's your gut talking.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:05am

well ...not much happened ....he came jome and ranted for a awhile about what he was going to do to the other man .graphic details ..telling me about how he would castrate him ,and torture him ,really sick things like cutting is ears off ,and cutting the main arteries and sewing them back up bf he had a chance to bleed to death.

remainded me of someting that happened al LONG time ago that I had completley forgotten about ...when I was younger ..one of my ex boyfriends called me while I was dating my husband ,and he went to his house ,sat across from him in the woods with a gun pointed at his head ,he was going to shoot him ..I am not sure why he didnt .
He sounds like a psycho.

Then he cried and we talked for awhile ...we went to bed on good terms I guess....

THen this morning ...(in the email account that he thinks I cancelled )I have numerous UGLY emails ..."go and F*** that guy you F'in slut" of course I dont respond bc if I do then he knows I didnt cancel it .

In my other email ,the one that I use ...he says "good morning sweetheart "

I wonder which one it is ....and WHY is he sending ugly emails to an account that he *thinks* I have cancelled?I want to ask him that ...but I cant bc if I do then I am busted .and he knows that I didnt close it .maybe thats why he is doing it ,so I will confront him about the emails ..and he can catch me ?

Thanks everyone for listening and helping me through my crazy life .

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:54am

This has got to stop. The situation is escalating, and the talk is not going to stay just talk.

Make yourself a safety plan. Where you will go, emergency numbers, etc. Because you are going to have to go, if you don't want something terrible to happen. He is not getting better, if anything he is getting worse. You won't be lonely if you don't leave, what you will be is DEAD. How is that helping your kids? Think about it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:03am

Love,
Although I havn't replied lately to your posts, I have indeed read every one of them.You,along with all the other ladies who post here are always on my mind.
Love, I am truly worried about your safety.I think you know what kind of a man you're dealing with.Even if he never hurts you physically again,I believe that you're in for a world of misery if you stay.He knows about your affair,and he will continue to hold it over your head and throw it in your face.They do not "forgive & forget".They are not capable,their jealousy will not allow it.
I fear that from now on,every move you make will be dictated & monitored by him, making you even more a prisoner to him.That is not a life for anyone to live. We only get one chance at life,why waste it on a loser? You deserve better. Keep us posted.

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 10:28pm

Is there a reason? If you are in love with someone else, & living with an abuser you DONT love, why you are still living there with him?

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