Concerned? To be or not to be....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Concerned? To be or not to be....
11
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 3:37pm

Frankly, I need outside insight. I know I have a tendency to over think things, but I also have a tendency to downplay the severity of things. I know it's a little lengthy, but this is the first time I've sought help/insight beyond my closest friends and parents. Please, please, bear with me.

I've been with my husband since 2001. (We met when we were both 20.)

He has always had issues with substance abuse to one extent or another and with one substance or another. Alcohol has always been the most prevalent, though every drug he's used (from crystal meth to prescription medication) or other substance has created problems at some point.

There are clearly defined relationship roles throughout my husband's side of the family that prevail in ours despite my opposition and without explicit verbal expression of such. The male's job is to go to work. The female's job is....well, everything else.

Throughout the years, arguments with my husband are pointless. I feel that an argument is an exchange of ideas where neither of us has to be right; it is more important that we voice our positions so that the other knows where the other is coming from. He, however, gets extremely defensive practically from the jump. Many times this has resulted in holes in the wall, broken globes for the ceiling fan lights, or shattered glass storm doors (including in homes other than our own). It also frequently results in what I call "posturing up" in which he becomes "taller" by lifting his shoulders and getting extremely close, even to the point of pressing his forehead against my own. Nothing gets settled as he becomes angry to the point that sometimes he 'has to walk away' to avoid damaging property or getting physical with me. This is something I try but cannot wrap my mind around as I never feel as though I am so angry that I will destroy a piece of our or someone else's home or become physical with him.

After being stabbed by a neighbor in 2006, my husband required pain medication. However, this turned into a problem. This past fall, I discovered that he was taking our son's ADHD medication to the point that our son was going to start school 17 days short of his prescription. At the

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 3:54pm
Your story sounds dangerously similar to some of our own on this board. Sounds like you are definitely minimizing his actions. What he's doing isn't right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 3:59pm

I think I was afraid of that. Thank you. So very much.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 5:37pm

I think what a lot of people on this board don't get is that their lives are not supposed to be ANYTHING like this. There should be no police involved, there should be no substance abuse, there should be no demeaning behavior and there should be no violence. Any of these is a problem, an amalgam of them is creating an unlivable situation. Furthermore, children raised in such situations are learning that all of this is normal and acceptable, when it is not. It is your job, more than anything else, is to protect your children. You had them, they are now your responsibility. Get them out of there, because there is nothing healthy in your household.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 6:58pm

Hi;

I am sorry but I am not sure why you wrote on the board? Was it for advice or just venting or validation?

I will say that your husband is an abuser; an addict and a bully and he is controlling....and you are a VICTIM of it all and so are your children and you are all caught up in what is called The Cycle of Abuse.. He abuses you and then there is a Honeymoon stage where all is well. Then bam the abuse and then bam the honeymoon stage.Sound familar?

This is what you can do? You can start educating yourself on abuse by reading all that you can on these boards about domestic violence. You can read books on abuse and controlling men and substance abuse and addictions. A great book is Why does he do that; Inside the minds of controlling men by LUndy Bancroft..

You can attend counseling and Al anon for you and your children. You can also seek out therapy for you and your children.

You can get a job and save money and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sat, 06-04-2011 - 1:28pm

My insite says to listen to your friend. Talk to your dad about the possibility of you and the kids coming out for a visit. Anything important quietly pack up and mail to your dad's. things that cannot be mailed or packed in the car stash away in a storage unit so you can get it later. It is summer time so the kids wont miss school so this is the perfect time to take this vacation. The time you spend at your dads, process what you have been living and if that is what you want for yourself and is that what you want for your daughter...if you continue to live this life you are teaching your daughter that is how she is to be treated too. If you leave and start new you will be telling her she should never allow someone to treat her so poorly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 2:39pm

You're right. What else is there to say than that you're right? It absolutely blows my mind that I never thought of it that way before....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 2:44pm

My main purpose for posting was outside insight. I was in a state of mind where I was foolishly questioning myself as to whether or not I could even consider my situation as one of domestic abuse. All I could think was that I couldn't bear the thought of calling my situation abuse if it wasn't because that would be a slight to all the victims. I see now, that it is an absuvie relationship. Honestly, I can't wrap my mind around not seeing it before. Long before.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 2:52pm

Your post.....THANK YOU. Little did you know....that's exactly what I did. My mom and dad are coming in a few days to help me get our stuff together, be supportive, and help me head off any weakness I might come up against. I also did a LOT of research during my bout with insomnia last night, including locating programs near my father's so that my kids and I can start healing as soon as possible. I'm past scared and beyond poor, but I know I can do this. I have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 9:24pm

Please don't say ANYTHING about this to him, and try to leave while he is at work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2002
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 10:17am

I agree with the advice of absolutely not letting him or anyone other than your parents know what is going on. Even your kids. If you have a close friend that you can trust beyond a shadow of a doubt I would start packing up the stuff that he would never miss and have someone store it for you. That way it's just that much less time you have to spend at your house. And doing it while he's at work is definitely the best. And if he questions why things are missing just tell him that you are declutting and cleaning the house since that is what you are 'supposed' to be doing. Also get out there on the job hunt if you don't have something since you graduated. With a degree behind you and great family you are going to be just fine.

Don't forget the restraining orders if you can get one.

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