Conditioning Hard to Beat

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Conditioning Hard to Beat
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 6:51am
Hey Guys I am finding it very hard to stop contact with him which I know is the next small step in my fight and thanks to all who keep trying to hammer that point home to me I do get it its just the doin it that I am tripping on.

I was at the shops today and I am trying to prepare to move out of our house and saw some things that I will be needing when I do move on sale and I stopped myself from buying them because i didn't want to p**s him off! I am still allowing him to control me and that is very hard to come to terms with. Funny there was a small part of me that hoped that once I stood up and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH that life would get easier and I am begining to realise that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have so far to go but something that came out with my councellor this week is 'I don't want to go back to that,ever!' I am getting there very very very slowly but I am going to pat myself on the back for getting this far! (pat pat pat) I have some confort in the thought of being free, truly free in my own house in my own space living my life exactly how I want and only having to answer to myself and no one else!

I think the reason I am finding it so hard to completely cut contact is my H is going to intensive DV councelling and has committed to a group session for 25 weeks ( I actually got the letter from them the other day) so I do believe him know when he says he is going. He also tells me he will continue after that course not for me but for himself because 'this is lifelong'?????

He is so sorry as well and I know in my mind he is so in mr nice guy mode because he wants me to cave but there is that part of me that wants to believe him I mean finally after all this time he is doing what I have always wanted and dealing with this problem and now I turn my back on him?? Its so hard I have supported him for so long and its not in my nature to kick someone when they are down let alone my H, even after he has done all he has to make me feel horrible. I just find it so difficult to turn away ,probably why he has been able to abuse me all these years. I'll probably get hassled for this but I have allowed this man to do this to me not that it is wright by any stretch of the imagination but I played a part in this dance and I need to forgive myself for that!

There where times I pushed hard on purpose to make him explode so that I could 'get it out of the way' so to speak, I mean that is really sick in my eyes which is why I am in councelling. At what point did I put my self worth so low as to allow another human being to treat me with such disrespect. That is my new mission to build my selfesteem so high that nothing or no-one can hurt me like that every again and teach my girls the same!

Sleep = Clarity amazing how much better I feel with a good 5 hours under my belt...I am still exhausted but not as bad as yesterday.....I need a massage!!!

hugs

M