confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
confused
2
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 10:56am
What’s wrong with me? It’s been a long time since I was here. But to recap: H is verbal abusive (name calling, everything’s is my fault, cannot do anything right, etc) We have two children 8 and 4 years old, been married for 14 years. He use to be a nice guy all the time, now he is just a very angry person, road rage driver, and has a foul mouth. Is continually swearing in front of the kids, tells them I cannot do “whatever” right, calls me names in front of them, (no respect for me or anyone) and does not see a reason to change, and now has starting calling them names too – if my daughter spills something she is a klutz, he calls my son a puss, cry baby, etc. Okay so I have had it, I have been to a lawyer, have the draft separation papers (just need to finalize), I am financially able to support me and my children, so why cannot I tell him that’s it – we don’t work as a couple anymore. Why do I always try to play peacekeeper and not tell him what I really feel. I am not “in love” with him anymore, but still do care for his wellbeing. But when I tell him I cannot take it anymore he seems to make me feel guilty, that I blame him for everything, then makes me feel like maybe I am wrong and it’s me – but I know it’s not. Ah I just don’t understand. Anyone else been here, what did you do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
In reply to: ckfriend
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:47pm
i was there before. I was trying to smooth everything out all the time meanwhile the ground below me was caving in. All the things you described, it was as if i was reading about myself and the relationship my husband and i had. I wanted to let go because i didn't love him as well but all it would take was my feeling sorry for him or him to start acting like a "dad" again and i would give it another chance. Before i knew what was going on, we would be back worse than before, meanwhile i was losing the respect of my daughter and my son was acting like his father. Even after we seperated i still didn't want to upset him too much so i would go out of my way to make it easier for him. I finally realized how much me and my kids were hurting, esp my daughter. she became so depressed she has been temporarly removed from the family and i am trying to get her back now that she sees dad isn't coming home wants to come home. He never hit us but his threats and abusiveness terrorized us. I had to cut off from him completly and it has saved me. i am in therapy and my kids, and i am not saying it isn't hard but i see a future without him and without all the pain. I wish you luck and hope you have a support group, the women's center in my area has helped me a lot.
your not alone out there, if you ever want to talk feel free to email me..
take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: ckfriend
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 1:35am

I left that almost same situation - except add alcoholism in & some "minor" physical abuse. But the worst of it all WAS the verbal/emotional abuse. I got called a "moron" daily. & much MUCH worse, that i cant type here ... in front of our little girl over things like missing a turn while driving, or mixing the mashed potatoes in the "wrong" bowl (not the one HE would haev used), or leaving a cabinet open by mistake, or .... or .... or ... it never ended. NOTHING was good enough. yet here he was sitting on his arse, in front of the tv, barley working, while *I* supported us (he did at least care for, & cared well i admit, for dd while i worked nites).


What made me finally leave was yet another threat to my life. BUT ... in reality it was this "I could choose to live this way for me. But i had *NO* right to choose this life for my child". We lived in constant stress, bickering, arguing & she was starting to really realize it. She began, at age 3, to try to defend me. She began trying to fix things. I did NOT want my little precious girl growing up co-dependant, NOR thinking THIS was what a man ws supposed to treat you like. I too had a carreer that i coudl support us on, thank God. & i just got to the point where none of his crap or guilt over it could make me stay.


& let me tell you - there is NOTHING in this world like living life after living abused. I am almost ecstatic, walking on air, knowing i am OUT. Since he was removed (via restraining order), i haev lost 43# of the 70# i gained all those years (oh, he loved to tell me how fat i was) & i am having the time of my life. & mostly, my child isnt living covering her ears, begging Daddy to not say he hated Mommy, etc.


Life is worth SO much more. YOU & your CHILDREN are worth so much more.


R~

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