Confused about "abuse"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Confused about "abuse"
5
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 1:52pm

I’ve been married 4 ½ years, no kids. I believe that abuse is a deal-breaker in a marriage, but am unclear about what constitutes “abuse”. On several occasions, my husband has used physical force to control my behavior. For example, if we have a fight and I want to leave the room to get away from him he might block the door, shove me back, grab my wrists to restrain me, pick me up by the waist and throw me on the bed, etc – whatever he can to force me to stay when I want to get away from him. However, I don’t typically have bruises or a black eye or any of the standard signs of abuse. But the complete helplessness and fear I feel during these occasions is very real.

A couple of months ago he was drunk and took it to the next level and grabbed me by the hair on the back of my head and threw me down onto the floor during an argument. This did leave a bruise and rug burn – but is that abuse? He swears that it was just a fluke and that nothing that severe would ever happen again.

So, is this abuse or is it just a bad fight? Is this grounds for divorce? Please let me know your opinion. Thank you so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 5:46pm
IMO that is abuse...he has no right to touch you and no right to restrain you....ive had a b/f sit on me when we were fighting cuz i got physical but that was different...and a "fluke" doesnt happen with abuse..he showed signs of it by using his physical force to control you and when he was drunk he allowed it to show through by grabbing your hair and throwing you down...just because you dont have a black eye or multiple bruises doesn tmean you arent abused...i think most women here can agree the bruises that last are the ones inside, the ones of ur heart and ur pride and ur confidence...i dont know if i can tell you to divorce him but he definitely needs help and u need to be away from him if he acts like that to you, the woman who he should love..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 12:10pm

It's been a long time since I've visited this site but something made me feel like I needed to and then, I read your question so now, I know why.

You are faced with a fight or flight situation but when you try to leave the room in flight, you're restrained. You have had your options taken away from you. And, what person has a right to take your options away when it's what you needed to do? YOU needed to get away from him, that's your right. You were trying to avoid further confrontation but he made the decision that you would do what he thought was right. Are you beginning to understand what's at play here?

Just because a man tells us we weren't abused doesn't make it necessarily true. Having your hair pulled, being thrown down on the rug...if this isn't abuse, what is? The problems and confusion arise because we believe what their theory is on what constitutes abuse and what doesn't. Rarely will an abuser admit he's what he is. It's always our fault or we made him do it, or if we didn't do such and such and it's all a bunch of crap!

In your heart and mind, you know this is abuse or you wouldn't even be asking. You know you were hurt. You know he hurt you. What else is there to know? The truth is looking you in the face so don't be fooled by his words. They are targeted and designed to bring you down. You have to ask yourself what it is you're getting out of this relationship that keeps you there. Focus on you, not him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:22am
I am so sorry you are going through this bonster. Crazy as it may sound, I am in a very, very similar situation as you, although I do have a child but I am not married. I know how scary and frustrating this "gray area abuse" can be. Stay Strong!! Read my post, So Confused: PLZ Help, several members replied with some great advice that may help you. Keep us posted, I would love to know how things go/ as it may help me steer my way around as well. If you feel like it, my email is kilikina5881@yahoo.com, you can email me and vent or whatever. Good luck and please, please stay safe!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:12pm

I'm so grateful to all of you - javlyn_e, whoseface, kilikina5881 - for selflessly taking the time to reach out to me. It's still hard to believe that there's a whole community of us out there, struggling with similar issues. What I'm finding is that for me, education is the key -- reading books, talking to others, this board, my counselor, etc. It's the best way to convince myself that I need to take this seriously and not just "sweep it under the rug". I'm feeling stronger already, thanks to you all!

Over the weekend I read “Why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft, which was an incredibly eye-opening book! It really took me inside my husband’s psyche and helped bring clarity to the situation. One of the biggest revelations is that abuse isn���t necessarily based on anger-management or emotional issues, it’s based on his belief system that it is acceptable for him to behave that way; Even if he knows that it’s wrong, he either consciously or subconsciously gives himself permission to abuse within his own limits. It also purports that an abuser needs specific therapy for abuse, not just anger-management or general therapy. I thought the book made many great points, even if they didn’t all apply to my situation. Has anyone else read this book? If so, what did you think? Are there any other books that you’d recommend I read?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:18pm
Yes it is abuse. I was in a similar relationship with my last boyfriend. The physical and mental abuse just got progressively worse over time. The relationship lasted three years and has left me with permant scars. My advice would be for the two of you to seek marriage counseling or have your husband find help to control his anger. If the abuse still continues, end the relationship. The longer you avoid the issue and stay with him, the harder it will be to leave. Please acknowledge your feelings. I know how diificult it can be to realize that the person you love can also be the person who destroys you. I wish you the best.