Confused, Is this abuse?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Confused, Is this abuse?
7
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 8:35am
I have been in a relationship for thirteen years. We started a construction company together and lived and worked together for 12 years. Since the beginning of the relationship he has pressured me to wear more makeup, dress sexier (the whore/dancer look), have uncomfortably long nails, and bleach my hair. I am a very conservative person by nature and not at all an exhibitionist. I have a degree in business and had worked on Wall Street as a trader prior to starting the company. For years I felt the company was the only thing keeping me from leaving. Well, last year the company filed bankruptcy and I finally decided to leave. I even went so far as to move my things into storage and went to stay with my mother while administering the bankruptcy. I met another man who was warm and kind and loved me, for me. He unfortunately was going through a difficult custody battle and was somewhat depressed himself. After 8 months apart, I communicated with my previous mate and told him I needed to come to the area to meet with the attornies. (The company was 100% owned by me and I had to file personal bankruptcy as well. The house is also mine, but he was able to get a job about a month after the company went under and stayed in the house. Our agreement was that he could keep the house and I would take the furniture etc.) I asked if I could stay at the house. He responded that he wanted to get back together. My uncertainty about everything during this time led me to agree to try it. He emailed me a "wish list", hair, nails, makeup, keeping a cigarette in my hand at all times (smoking fetish). I stupidly agreed, packed up and went home. For 6 months I catered to all his fantasies and he was blissfully happy, but always wanting more. He has indicated on several occasions that a person should be willing to change anything about themselves to please their partner. He even tried to persuade my to try the swingers lifestyle. I finally broke and said no again, no more. (During this time, I also indicated that I wanted to quit smoking for health reasons. His response was "You don't have to smoke when I'm not here. Also, I complained that the long nails prevented me from typing and his response "what do you need to type for?"). We had a blow out about three weeks ago which culminated in his calling me a whore, amongst other things. Now he is very apologetic and has said he will not pressure me anymore. I have heard this before, by the way. I am very confused because I have not been able to discuss this with anyone. Any feedback is appreciated. (sorry if I rambled, it's a lot to get out all at once. By the way, he can be a great guy and was always a good working buddy)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 1:26pm

Hi Scooter -


ANY TIME you are forced to dress, behave, say or do things that you would not normally do, or are uncomfortable doing is considered abuse.

CL-Blueliner4

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 5:29pm
*He has indicated on several occasions that a person should be willing to change anything about themselves to please their partner.* Nobody should have to change who they are to please their partner, yes relationships involve compromise, but you should be accepted for who you are.

There is also no reason you should be called names or disrespected. No it may not be physical abuse, but he is very controlling and it could lead to that. It is emotionally abuse and mental abuse, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:13pm
Hmm. Well. Let's cut to the chase: GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.

OK, so maybe that's not as diplomatic as it could be, but my goodness. It sounds like this guy doesn't want a wife, he wants a dress-up doll. It's one thing for you to wear your hair a certain way one day, and for him to compliment it, and for you to maybe keep that in mind and sometimes wear your hair that way again because you know how much he liked it. It's another thing entirely for him to pressure you into wearing your hair that certain way -- and doing your nails a certain way, and keeping a cigarette in your hand at all times, and wearing a certain amount of makeup. This is just weird. And his total disregard for your health on the smoking issue is absolutely disgusting. He's trying to control you. It's not healthy.

You don't need this. Your partner is supposed to love you for you. Period. He is out there.

Good luck.

A

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 10:46am
Thanks everyone for the responses. Pretty well confirmed what I already knew, but it was nice to get the vote of support from others. Now I need to figure out why I allowed it to happen, I always thought I was stronger than that and have always been fiercely independent. One more question, do you think he can change? Or will it happen again? Also, if he needs and wants these superficial things and I won't give them to him what is the point in continuing a relationship? I have asked him this and haven't really gotten a response except "I love you".

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:11am
he won't change. bottom line unfortunatly, i think that although people have the ability to change some things and be a little more considerate at times, aside from these little things i think we're basically set in stone. He's a controller and always will be and of course things go well for a while until you start questioning why you have to be a certain way etc.
Just got out of a relationship with some one i love deeply, always will, but not enough to live and be something i'm not on the inside just to be flashy on the outside.
Whats the problem with who you are and want to be? It hurts like hell but you walked away once and found a great guy. Do it again and realise him making you look a certain way makes you feel insecure and eager to please because you question what you did wrong?
I hurt everyday i'm not with my partner but i dress the way i want, have fantastic friends who like me just the way i am so why couldn't he?
Answer is usually because he doesn't like himself very much and finds it easier to push it onto others rather than face up to the fact that he may not be a very nice person.
I wish you luck, happy life and all you deserve, be strong!!!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:28am
Thanks for your support. I guess I just feel like such a loser for coming back in the first place. And, I feel somewhat embarrased to announce to my family that I am leaving him again. After all, he told them that he LOVES ME! (lol) Guess that's just me seeking approval yet again. Further, I have been communicating with the guy that I met while away, and that is making me feel guilty (I am the cheater), but very much like he did before, he has been giving me a tremendous amount of emotional support. Is that bad? Why does it feel like it is? sorry to ramble, but trying to sort through all these emotions can be tough. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:53pm

Boy, they need a "yucky face" emoticon for this one!

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