Confused and need soem advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Confused and need soem advice
7
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:03pm
Hello all,

I have been reading these boards for about a year now, and have seen lots of great advice. Now I am going to tell my story and see if some of that advice will help me decide what to do.

I have been married for 6 years (together for 10 total) We have always argued. Shortly after we met, he invited me over to his apartment and then left saying he'd be right back, he was meeting some girls from work for a drink. I was not invited.

Dumb me I stayed and waited. Within 1 year we moved in together and moved about 3 hours away from family. That's when things started to go bad. I have always attributed it to stress on his job. We would fight and make up, I would blame myself for "causing the argument" or not seeing his point of view. I moved out about 3 years into the relationship for about 6 months. I was proud of myself for being on my own, but believed him that he would change and I was lonely so I went back. I should mention that the police were involved at that time due to his pushing me and my falling into a glass storm door. No charges were filed.

We got back together and married. Have been married for 6 years. We have two children ages 4 and 2. He has a documented DV charge against him from Sept 2001. (He pushed me off of a ladder and said he would kill me because I am so stupid.) We were arguing about how to paint a room. I found out the same day that he got out of jail that I was pregnant with my son, he is two years old now. We decied to "work" on our problems and not disrupt the family unit. By this June of 2004, I had had enough of the name calling, pushing shoving, temper tanturms from him AND had found out that he was e-mailing co-workers and setting up a "massage" date. No intercourse involved he said in his e-mail but that there were other ways to pleasure each other. I blew up and told him that I knew what he was contemplating and would not stand for it. He swore it was done. I have not persued this beacuase The bigger issue is the fact that I just don't care anymore.

In June I filed for divorce, I actually paid $2000 for the retainer. I had been to see a lawyer for a consultaion the year before but did not file then. Me delimma was whether I wanted to tell him what I did or just let the papers be filed? I broke and told him that I had been to see a lawyer and filed for divorce. He begged me to reconsider, even pulled his parents into the mix, they just laid the guilt trip on me and told me to keep it together for the kids. That it should be hubby and I against the world, and couln't I just try. They know he has a terrible temper and once when I asked Mom in law how to deal, she said just pretend that I am an actor in a play and ride it out. (HUH???)

I stopped the divorce proceedings. I got the dismissal in the mail last week. Now for the clincher, last weekend we got into another argument and he slapped me in front of our kids. I called the cops and he left before they got there. No charges filed this time either. I told hubby that it was because I begged the cops not to. He has said that he will fight me all the way on a divorce, and I'll end up with nothing. That he will tell the kids that "Your Mother ruined this family and I wanted to keep us together." He says that becuse I come from a divorced family that I am not trying hard enough to break the cycle.

Hubby is successful and not bad looking. We have a nice home and two vehicles, some investments and are living without a lot of debt. Problem is, I dont' know if all that is worth putting up with someone who is okay with calling me such horrible names and putting his hands on me in anger. I have read enought of your boards and advice to know that my husband is verbally abusive, but when times are good they are really good and those are the times that my resolve becomes weak and I think, Okay, once more. How many one more times does it take for a person to say enough.

Okay sorry this is novel length, but I have kept this inside so long that its a relief to get it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:28pm

Hi needtobehappy, welcome (officially) -


Your H isn't just verbally abusive, he is extremely physically abusive and if he has threatened to kill you over the years, this is NEVER

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:38pm
Thank you for the welcome.

Your advice is appreciated. I have begun a file of financial records and kids personal records, police reports and such so that if I need them I have them. I keep this at work so my H does not know. I copied basically our whole file cabinet and replaced it before he knew. I know that there are shelters available if I need to leave fast. I guess the one of the hardest parts of all this is knowing that my marriage is a failure.

H and I have been to couseling since august and I went alone last week. My couselor made me realize that it really is DV and not just "bad days." She said that if another incident happened and I did not press charges then she could not see me anymore. She said this was because she did not want to be the one to idenitfy me in the morgue.

I am most mad at myself for starting a family when I saw signs in the beginning. My Mother was in an abusive (verbally, emotionaly, physical) relationship for years when I was growing up. I left that house when my step father molested me at the age of 15. I went to live with my Dad and his new family.

My H knows all of this past history, so when he gets mad it seems that somehow it is all my fault for being so "screwed up in the head" and thinking that it is so bad when he is nothing like my step-father.

I don't ever want to put my kids in a situation with a step parent, so if I leave my Husband, I guess that means I am alone until the kids are grown. I never want my kids to feel left out because of a relationship that I may develop.

Being alone is a very real fear and if someone has any advice on how to cope, I'd like to hear it so I may get more strength before making any major uprooting of my children's lives.

Thanks

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 4:49pm

A child who has been brought up being abused will think that abuse is normal.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 7:57pm
Hi needtobe,

I'm relatively newly out of my marriage (separated but not yet divorced), and we have a three-year-old son. I went/am going through some of the same feelings you are, in terms of leaving my marriage, seeing what he was like on the outside, in public and wishing so badly it could be like that on the inside of our relationship too. Also felt like a failure. I also worried about my son, but in the end, he's what gave me the strength to leave--he is NOT going to grow up thinking that kind of behavior is normal or acceptable. And my sweet, gentle child is NOT going to grow up to abuse women. I imagine that that's what happened to make my husband the way he is, and it's a tragedy. One thing to think about: if your children have seen their father slap their mother, their lives are already uprooted/disturbed in a major way, and will keep on being so and worse. You need to find a way to give them some stability and peace.

I'm nowhere near thinking about another relationship, so I can't help you there, other than to say that my mother remarried when I was a teenager, and he's a relatively nice man, so they all aren't like your stepfather, the slime. One thing I'm finding: being alone has its moments, and compared to the bad times, it feels really good. I miss the 'good times', no mistake, but I do NOT miss wondering what would happen and when. I've been in some relationship or another since I hit puberty, and I was quite afraid of being alone, as well. It's time for me to try it, though, and so far, so good.

Take care of yourself-- it's incredibly difficult to realize that you're in an abusive situation. It messed with my sense of self like little else in my life has. But I'm still me, and I get to be all of me now, so it does come back. One thing to do is think of all the things and people that gave you pleasure before you had to devote so much energy to this mess and try to reconnect with some of them.

And the way I get around blaming myself for picking him to marry and start a family with is that I needed him to have my son, who is a wonder. So being with him (husband) wasn't a mistake. Staying with him when he was treating me so badly would have been a mistake however, and I didn't do that, so I'm two for two. That probably won't help now, but it might sometime down the road.

Good luck to you, and keep yourself and your kids safe.

CC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:11pm
Hi there,

I just wanted to respond to your post. It was wonderful to read that you have been lurking and taking in information. I am not here to give you advice because I am not in your shoes. I am here however as a social worker who works with families dealing with domestic violence. I work with Head Start and Early Head Start families and I see day in and day out the effects that dv has on children. I go to lots of trainings to learn about how trauma and dv effects the developing brains of young children. This topic is also in my mind because just a few weeks ago I facilitated a training in my agency about the effects of dv on children and how to work with those families. I also was involved in a violent relationship with my daughter's dad. I was with him for over 6 years, I left him when my little one was 3.

There is a lot of research out there about how dv effects children. It isn't just them learning that hitting in anger is okay. It is more about how dv actually negatively effects their developing brains. It changes how they develop. I have seen PET and CAT scans of children who are growing up in violent homes and neighborhoods. Their brains look different than those who didn't grow up in a violent home. Their brains "learn" that they have to be in a constant state of arousal. So, basically they are always in "fight or flight" mode. We see these children in Head Start, they are the ones that are hypersensitive, aggressive, extremely passive, among other things. Often times their behavior is mistaken for ADHD and they are put on meds. Dr. Bruce Perry has done lots of research on this topic, you could do a search and get lots more info. He explains it much better than I do. There is also a web site www.safefromthestart.org (there I go again, posting links, sorry for not asking first). This website has lots of great info and other links.

I hope this isn't coming across as a guilt trip, or that I am being preachy.

When I was in counseling, before I left, my counselor said to me that it was going to be my love for my daughter that would give me the strength to leave. In the end, it was. We have been free for almost 5 years. She is now going to be 8 in January. She is doing great in school. I do have lots of guilt for keeping her in a violent/precarious situation, but I also have to be proud of me for creating a better life for her. I am still dealing with custody with her dad and we go to mediation every 6 months to follow up. It is very hard and stressful. But I look at my life now and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have full legal and physical custody of her.

As far as him making threats if you divorce him. That is to maintain control of you so you won't leave. Divorce won't be easy, but he is full of it. Custody battles are a nightmare with or without dv. It is such typical behavior and please try not to let it throw you off. The mediators are trained to see right through that junk, well, most of them are anyway :)

This counselor of yours...I don't understand why she would tell you she can't see you anymore if you don't file charges. I mean I do understand. But, in my opinion, it is unethical for her to say that. To me, it feels judgmental of you and might put you in a position that is uncomfortable to you. I might make you feel that you can't go back to her if you need to and I think that is wrong. I can understand her concern for your safety, but in my mind a counselor is supposed to be non-judgmental and unconditionally supportive. Although as mandated reporters, if you tell her that your kids witnessed physical violence, she is supposed to report it.

Okay, lastly. I don't know what state you are in, but in California, law enforcement is mandated by law to report to Child Protective Services anytime they respond to a dv incident that occured in front of the children. Whether you choose to file charges or not. So, let me say this. When it comes to domestic violence and children, Child Protective Services can be your best friend. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true. If you are wanting to get away, they can be of great support to you, plus they can provide a papertrail of why he is a danger to your kids AND then there is no more "your word against his", there are people involved.

Huge hugs to you and good luck

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:28pm
Hi needtobehappy!

I'm basically a few months ahead of you in the fight for freedom from DV. I left an abusive marriage in May and am going through all the legal and emotional processes necessary to be me again. I still remember the same emotions and thoughts that you have right now. Just know that you are on the right path. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. Never feel guilty for getting yourself into an abusive situation or not leaving it sooner. It is all your abusers fault. He chooses to act the way he does and there is nothing and I mean NOTHING you can do to stop it. You can tiptoe around his feelings, keep the kids quiet, paint the perfect wall or do everything you think he wants you to do and in the end, he will blow up at you for no reason. You've seen it a thousand times and so did I. It is not you, hon. It is him.

Keep lurking. Keep posting. Keep copying important documents. Keep believing in yourself and your children. You will get to the place that I am right now and let me tell you, sister...freedom is wonderful. You can breath. You can relax. You can sing as loud as you want.

Take care and stay strong. You can do this. I did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:36am
Thank you all for your support. I am still in the process of getting emotionally ready for the split. I just don't think I am strong enough to handle it right now. I am going to continue reading and posting and copying those important documents. It is a releif to know that I am not the only one who questions herself in a realationship such as mine. I have spoken to my doctor and am going to get back on Effexor, maybe that will help me to be calm through some of the rough parts that are yet to come. My H has his first alone appointment with the couselor since I told her that he has been verbally and physically abusive. I am realistic enough to know that he won't just stop the behavior but is there any chance that these kind of controlling people stop being so controlling when faced with losing their family? My H wants to take me away this weekend for "just the two of us". He said I need to de-stress. I agree but we will end up doing whatever he wants. I really want to sleep for about 20 hours straight and then take hot bubble bath with a good book.