Confused I guess
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| Fri, 10-06-2006 - 2:27pm |
I broke off a friendship, with a couple who knew about what was going on. Not all the details, just surface wise I started to tell them. We e-mailed only, they live far away.
However, I went back to isolating myself even from the board. Not that I have any friends left.
It's like I'm scared of what's out there. I'm scared of getting help. All I know is what I have lived through with my husband. Yes, lately it's gotten ugly, but, I don't know how to open up face to face with someone. I want to take care of everything on my own, I've always handled everything, I feel like I'm weak if I can't.
I want things to get better, I don't know it feels like I'm grabbing at straws, and I'm loosing. Our relationship this week is not violent, in fact it's chilly, he's not talking or sleeping with me, it's like he's ignoring me. I know this is better than fighting but at the same time, it feels worse.
I haven't wanted to write because i feel so embarrased by what's going on. It's like I failed.
I don't know - the only anology I can give is that, the closet door started to open a bit, and I got scared and closed it again. I don't want anyone seeing the ugly. Not until I can fix it will I let people in.

Have you thought about reconnecting with the couple you e-mailed? It will be hard, but I believe that it is a good idea. I also think it is a very good idea for you to keep posting on this board. Yes it is hard, but isn't it worse that you are all alone. We are all here for you. We are here to listen to you and to offer any advice we can. I have been in an abusive relationship as well. In a way I do understand what you are going through. Might not be the same... but people that have been in abusive relationships understand better than people that haven't been in abusive relationships.
I was scared too. I had no idea what to expect. Or what was out there... or how I was going to get better. But I started at Day 1 and I went from there. I only take it 1 day at a time.
Try not to feel embarrased by what is going on. It is not your fault okay. I have felt embarrased at times too. You aren't alone okay. Just try and remember that.
Hugs. Lauren
I am new to the board so I don't know too much about your situation, however I am no stranger to what you are feeling and DV. It's so easy in the heat of things to say - that's it...I'm done. It's another when things cool off and you have some time to think. But do know this - he will not change and neither will my DH. They are who they are and you can't fix them.
I am no longer hiding anything from my family - his side of the family only his gma knows. Because he just turns it into my fault anyway. You have to have someone to talk to. I would have crumbled long ago if it weren't for my family and antidepressants. I also am emabarrased...it's obvious to me and anyone else who knows so why can't I go? For one, I am afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of the future, afraid if him.
J
Yes,, somedays I do feel like I'm going to have a melt down and can't continue. But the girls keep me going.
I have stayed all these years for the same reason, I am afraid also. He tells me I'm weak and pathetic. I've had every abuse possible, although I haven't called it that or realilzed it until I started posting 3 - 4 weeks ago. And then it scared me so I stuck my head back in the sand.
When I started learning about DV, or am learning about it, there are times when I tell myself it really isn't so, because it just sounds so ugly. I make excuses because I don't want it to be so.
He's right I am pathetic.