Confused! What do I do now?
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| Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:41am |
My husband and I had another talk the other night. I asked him again to go to counseling. Again he said no. Then this weekend I went to the library and got that book that everyone on here was telling me to get (Why Does He Do That) and it really opened my eyes. I put sticky notes on all of the pages that pertain to him. I found myself going "Oh my God! That's him!" many times throughout the book. However, I still don't think he is as a severe case as many examples in the book.
So here's the thing. The author says that marriage counseling won't help, and will actually HURT. I certainly don't want a counselor to tell me I have to change my behavior so that he won't blow up at me.
But what other option do I have at this point? As I see it, here are my options:
1. Stay and wait it out, see how things go. I'm not afraid of him, and I know I'm not in any real physical danger with him. The only advantage of getting back to "normal" with him (we haven't been talking for a couple weeks) would be that I can see how he acts and almost observe him. Now that I am aware of the abuse I can collect information, almost.
2. Push him and see how far he will go (ok, I know you will all have a field day with this one and tell me I'm crazy. But half of me almost WANTS him to beat me (isn't that terrible?). It would at least give me a definite out. Things are so very iffy right now. Usually I stand up for myself to a point and then when he gets real mean I shrink away. Maybe I could not shrink away and see what he is really capable of.
3. Tell him that he needs to go to abuse counseling. This is probably not going to work, however, since he won't even admit that he is abusing me.
4. Tell him that I'm going to go to marriage counseling even if he doesn't (but again, maybve marriage counseling is a bad idea. However, maybe it's better than nothing).
5. Show him the book to try to make him see that he's abusing me (I'm sure he would either laugh at me , saying how "naive" I am to think he is an abuser, or he'll get really mad at me and start this whole thing all over again. As it is now he's trying to be nice to me to get on my good side right now).
6. Leave him for a little while. This is really hard. Partly because I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, or ready for the kids to be involved. And partly because I don't know if I should leave the kids here, with him (they aren't really in any danger from him but he might accuse me of abandoning them), or take them with me to my parents (which would be really hard, and maybe he would accuse me of taking the kids from him).
7. Tell him I want a divorce. I'm not ready for this yet. I still feel there may be hope. Don't get me wrong, if the kids weren't involved I'm 90% sure the marriage would have ended by now. But it's so hard. I have 4 kids who I love with all my heart, and they love their father.
So PLEASE...I need advice! I know you don't know us and it's hard to say, but what do you think? What have YOU done? HELP!

If I may, I would like to throw my two cents worth in.
1. Stay and wait it out, see how things go. I'm not afraid of him, and I know I'm not in any real physical danger with him. The only advantage of getting back to "normal" with him (we haven't been talking for a couple weeks) would be that I can see how he acts and almost observe him. Now that I am aware of the abuse I can collect information, almost
I stayed and waited it out, and it got worse.
There's a bunch of women here that will tell you that no, couples counseling does NOT work and yes, does actually hurt the situation.
CL-Blueliner4
As far as waiting it out, how many years have you wasted so far waiting it out? I guarantee you'll just keep waiting and waiting and waiting . . . .
Hugs,
Jackie
I think I should mention that when I said "push him" to se what he will do, I didn't mean physically push him. I meant "badger him" like he says I always do, but when he yells or gets "that look", don't shrink back and walk away. I meant keep talking after he tells me to shut up.
But you're probably right, I guess that's not the best solution, is it?
It is so late here and I have to get to bed, but I really wanted to respond to you.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you