Confused where to start..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Confused where to start..
3
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 12:55am

Hello everyone: My DH has been verbally abusive and I just continued to take it, mainly because of my teen daughter who he lets do just about anything. Like any teen they need guidance and so forth.

He says such mean things for sooo long, some of which I cannot even remember, alot of it is when dd asks out or has temper he will turn it around like i am being mean to her..just surreal.

Tonite was it. I asked him a simple question, he did not ask ..then said something he knew would drive me rite over the edge. I threw something, not at him, I went to retrieve it where he was sitting, and he grabbed my wrists and pushed me. This is not the lst time he got physical, he did on Superbowl Sunday a smack backside of my head.

I called my brother in law who is a cop and he said with domestic violence cases we would both have to appear in court. I have a job interview in which I have an excellent chance of getting on Thursday. I cannot have court dates and so forth showing up.

Is this how it is? If we are hit or pushed we can't call cops for fear of being brought in as well? He threatened me and said I pushed him lst...LOL he was sitting, I did not touch him, NO reason to lie, and again, not the lst time, that i had witnesses for, and he is 4th degree black belt yeah rite like I pushed him.

Where th heck do I begin? This feels like a nitemare. If anything came good of this dd said she would live w. me which is a ton of relief. He is yes man an sugar daddie, any help, I still find it surreal that when a woman calls the cops, both parties must be brouht in.

thanks soo much

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 10:52am

Welcome to the board....


Yes your H is abusive, not only verbally, but also physically, considering he has already struck you once, he does qualify as being physically abusive too.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 12:32am

Hi hon, welcome -

I'm a bit confused about the "brought in" comment from your brother. What should normally happen when you call the cops and report DV, they question both of you and the aggressor should be the one "brought in", not both of you. Now, if you happened to tell your brother you threw something, then it CAN be seen as going both ways. I understand this is very unfair, but one of the things we try and warn posters against is retribution because it can and has been used against posters. Sadly, we have a poster who is in the middle of a jail sentence because she, too, was arrested for DV while trying to defend herself.

Please do get some good information, like Wishful suggested, from womenslaw.org and from your local shelter. The best thing you can do is just get out of there with your DD, even if you have to stay temporarily at a shelter. You wouldn't have to go to court, anything like that, but they can help you get in touch with the resources you need to speak with to help you get away from this guy before you get seriously injured. Pushing is still assault and can be prosecuted as such.

And please keep in mind that no matter how frustrated you are, or how mad you are, don't do anything like throwing things. I'd hate to see you get in trouble for something like that.

Please keep reading and posting and learning.


What Brian Weitz is to Animal Collective, Barry Melrose is to mayonaisse.


CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:05am

The sad thing is while no one should try anything is knows what buttons to push. Instead of hitting him (which I would not do) I took my aggression, frustration and aggitation out on my cellphone and threw it against the wall, while he was not even in the same room. Nothing was thrown at him. Brother in law said more and more in domestic cases both are either brought in or both get court dates, which I find ridicously unfair.

Worse yet with the mind games, behind where the cell landed there are marks on the wall from little ones over at a baby shower using the recliner like a swing. I have 30 witnesses who knew those marks were there for months. He said he would tell cops I did that while I was hitting him...SOB.

He got pissed because the cell landed near his recliner. Matter of fact, he thought I was coming near him, when in fact I was trying to pick up dang cell. AGain, he didn't even know it was there, he was in other room, he would not allow me to get it, and said he would. I think the push was in defense of what he thought I would do (bigdeal) no reason to touch me at all, I did nothing to him. Heck, I flung the cellie when he was not even in the room. Your right either way I need to pound a pillow, take a walk something, and once this job (hopefully) is secured I can call cops and he can go to hell.

I talked to him yesterday and he said last time he smacked me upside head for saying something he did not like he promised he would never touch me again. He said pushing does not count, he did nothing wrong and will NOT even say he was sorry, in his opinion he did nothing wrong. If I was not going for the job in which required a sqeaky clean record I would have called the cops and worked passed his lies, and would have loved a court date, the PROVE I did nothing except throw a cell phone with him out of the room, while he pushed, lied threatened and blackmailed.

Black belt 4th degree vs. tall thin woman hmmmmmm

Thanks alot