Confused- why does he...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Confused- why does he...
3
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 11:57am

complain about what I wear, and who I hang with, what I do, and what I say
If I go anywhere or do anything that according to his standards are wrong, he goes crazy on me cursing me out saying that he is tired of me and dealing with everything. However, as soon as leave or say fine, he says that he wants to be with and work it out and that I am just not as into this relationship as he is.

I dont understand. He's the one who always has the problems and gets so angry to the point where he destroys things, but then when I try to leave he stops me. When he gets angry he says things out of spite. The other day he said he didnt want to be around me and so I said "ok" and headed for the door, but then when I did that he got even madder when I was doing what he wanted.

I really just want to understand why?

P.S. I'm 20

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 1:15pm


Oh sweetheart, drop that man as soon as you can.

This is without a doubt difficult to hear, but the person you are describing is VERY abusive. It is confusing and very hard to understand people who abuse. Abusers do not genuinely care about their partner - they genuinely care about themselves and their control over their partner. He is critisising you in order to break your self-esteem, to make you feel bad about yourself and he wants you to think that no one else would care for you so that he can gain better control of you.

He is already demonstrating physical violence. For now he is destroying things, but the likelihood of him getting physical with you is high, he is definitely showing the potential for that. And even if he wouldn't, you should not have to live in his world of critisism, anger and opinions. Someone who loves you and cares about you does NOT shower you with these things. No excuses.

Please read the lists of signs of abuse found on this board/website - do a search on google even, just read as much as you can about the issue and keep posting here. There are some amazingly kind and supportive people here, that know so much about this and can help you so much more than I can.

I'm recommending these two articles as well;

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=469

They are a bit heavy, but so is your situatin. You need to understand that you are in a bad and dangerous relationship that can have very serious effects on your mental, even physical wellbeing,

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 1:56pm

It is so scary that everything in that article applies, not just on his behalf but on mines as well. It is particulary hard for me because I care. I hate to see someone ruin their life like because other people notices his behaviour and it effects others as well. Does anyone like this ever see the error in their ways?

Destiny

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 7:39pm

Hi Destiny

Sorry to hear you're experiencing this from your partner. It's often easy as an outsider looking in, telling the survivor to "just leave" , it's not so easy when you're in that situation being controlled and manipulated by your partner, and being told what to do by 'allies'. Hindsight's also a great thing too- we can all say "it won't happen to me again".... Reality is, we all set out attracted to the lovely man that he is... his charming lines...his kind words to us...lots of promises. We don't fall for the abuser he manifests into.

Telling, forcing, encouraging, advising women to leave abusive relationships is an ineffective approach - partly because it makes her less defensive and thus more likely to maintain contact - and reducing the isolation is a key part of being able to think differently about her situation. It's also not effective because the focus is on the existence or otherwise of her relationship which isn't actually the problem - it's the abuse that is the issue. Focusing on her safety - *irrespective* of her decisions about the relationship is more important. This way, you communicate your concern, do not pass judgement on her relationship decisions and most importantly of all, do not make yourself indistinguishable from the abuser by becoming another person in her life who pressurises her into making life-changing decisions (that she may not want to make).

My suggestions are:
* Make an emergency plan If you feel it'd compromise your safety leaving these items at your own home, find out if a trusted friend/ family member would look after this for you.

* Find out about services in your area that can offer support, information and advice to yourself if and when you need.

* Check out the recommended sites, and find out about 'typical abuser' traits. I suggest this for the reassurance that you can identify the behaviour- and that it belongs to a pattern, and recognise that you're not alone. Sometimes it feels like they all go to the same charm school for instance. * Remember you're NOT to blame and you're NOT responsible for *his* abuse towards you. He chooses to hurt you. It is unacceptable.

Take care

Nutz




Edited 10/21/2004 7:42 pm ET ET by almond_nutz