consequence of speaking up...

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
consequence of speaking up...
3
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 12:27pm

Have any of you heard the phrase..she must be letting that happen..so he continues to keep his bad behavior !

Why can't she speak up and assert herself?

Well..yesterday was a stark reminder. First he wanted me to come right home after work. Complained through out the day that he has been busy washing and doing chores (which I didn't ask for him to do..it could have waited till weekend..). So obviously he was in irritable mood. I was tired and he has me doing chores after I come back..basically being bossy and ordering me around. I finally said..I do not want to be talked to that way. He then turned me around..and very aggressively started to say..how dare..(in a v loud voice) and said..'what I mean..'..and 'lets fight it out..'. I got scared and backed off and left...Then this morning..same aggressive verbal retorts to anything even if I say..oh..

Anyway..as I was laying in bed last night..I realize again and again..this is what I have to face..if I am not ready to take a step for next 3 years. I thought to myself if it wasn't for DD..I would be getting my personal stuff out this morning (as I write) and just leave..I dont have to put up with his bullying, bossy, irritable ways..

Then I think of DD and what will I do if she plain refuses to comply...I am all twisted again..thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 3:40pm

In regards to your daughter, I think maybe you have a situation similar to what I experienced with my youngest daughter. As you know I just left my abuser, but my youngest daughter is 12 years old. She has seen her father verbally, mentally and physically abuse me over the years in addition she has witnessed her grand father( my FIL) verbally and mentally abuse her grandmother. About a year ago I witnessed some shocking behavior, my daughter was verbally abusing her grandmother! I promptly put the brakes on that behavior, behavior she has learned from her father and grandfather. Maybe your daughter is mimicking the behavior she sees from your husband. He doesnt respect your wishes so neither does she, he doesnt value you so neither does she. She has witnessed you being treated like a second class citizen so that is how she regards you. If your husband is constantly saying you cant do anything right then your daughter believes that you cant do anything right. It isnt uncommon for children to mimic the abuse or to side with the abuser because thats the way to stay in there good graces. Just something for you to think about.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:21pm

swtbabyray..thanks for your reply..so your youngest ..is she now splitting 50/50..? yes, my FIL is an abuser too..though he is pretty quiet to me and DD..but I have seen how he behaves with MIL. DD has some tendencies but I catch her everytime she deviates from good behavior. Did you put your DD in counseling? How much time she spends with him now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 9:59pm

Remember if he lays a hand on you he's out of there.

sweets35