Is this considered abuse or am I nuts??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Is this considered abuse or am I nuts??
5
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 9:21pm

Last year I broke up with this guy I had dated for a year and a half. There are still some things that I am having trouble letting go of. He let his son hit me, push me, slap me, throw things at me, and tell me to f*&k off. A few times he would actually tell his son to throw things at me. One time after the kid slapped me, he gave the kid a hug and said, "That makes me feel good." He did absolutely nothing to stop it. Right now the answer is a resounding YES this is abuse. What if I told you his son was 2 1/2 yrs old? It sounds crazy to think of this as abuse from a toddler, but I felt abused by the dad because he allowed it and actually taught the kid to do this to me. I certainly don't blame the kid because it wasn't his fault his dad didn't have the you-know-whats to be a parent, but I felt abused and powerless to do anything about it. I tried talking to him once and told him how tired I was of being treated like this, and all he would say is, "He's 2, what do you expect?!"

Am I out of my tree here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 12:12am
He is raising a future abuser.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 1:22am

Hi VJ -


Wow.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 2:19am

No you're not nuts. I think this is abuse, and agree that he is raising a future abuser, no doubt. This is not appropriate behavior for a two year old either. His comment should have been "He's two and as his parent, I am teaching him to be disrespectful and abusive, and since I'm the major influence in the formation of his character and I'm abusive, even though i may not have been physical with you yet, what do you expect." He is using his child to abuse you.And i think it's also abusive to the child. I can relate to this. Although my husband didn't encourage his daughter to be physically abusive towards me like your x, he did teach her to disrespect me in pretty much every other way, and it just escalates. She's a hateful out of control teen ager now, she's verbally abusive towards me and everyone in general. She takes advantage of people and situations and feels that she's entitled. She stole my car when i was resting because i was sick, and that was when she was about 14, and it's just the tip of the iceberg. This girl has had some very positive influences in her life who would do anything for her and have tried to combat all the negativity from her dad, but guess who has the biggest influence.

Don't doubt yourself for another minute. You are right to get away from that situation, keep going and don't look back. Save yourself from the heartache i've experienced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 4:17pm

You are CATEGORICALLY not nuts. Personally, I'd say that was an example of abuse by the father to you. The child is almost an incidental - a means of abuse in the same way that throwing something at you would be abuse - its not the object's fault, its the fault of the thrower.

I am really sympathetic to why that's doing your head though. But here's my experience, for what its worth. Maybe this isn't too uncommon. I split with a boy about six months ago. He'd been hitting me for about a year, but it was only when I started challenging him that he was having an affair (he was) that he did enough damage (a hospital trip and a broken nose) for me to leave. However...previously when I first met his family I was struck by how disgustingly rude his father encouraged both his sons (the elder being the one I was dating, the younger being only 14) to be to their mother. Sitting at dinner they put her down, dismissed anything she had to say as worthless and insulted her family, her achievements and her personality. Any time either of the boys scored a "point" they were applauded and praised by their father. I was angry and upset enough to leave the table in tears, only to be told well she deserves it.
I always got on well with the woman in question but found it distressing that she had so little self confidence. She wouldn't express an opinion, and even when I asked her direct questions away from the others she tended to preface her answers with "well, I'm proabably wrong, but..." or similar stuff.
It was only much much later, when I finally let her know the real reason that I finished with her son, she said that she felt responsible for having put up with similar abuse (physical and mental) for years and years so that her son had grown up with it, and maybe believed that it was acceptable behaviour because he'd seen it in his parents.

Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that at the moment the little boy is trying to please his father, by behaving in a certain way. His father is taking advantage of it to abuse you. In the future though that type of behaviour will become ingrained. Its a pity, but with the father's selfish and manipulative actions he is teaching his son behaviour patterns that are not acceptable. Some time, some poor woman is going to be on the receiving end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 9:25pm

Thanks for all the input! I feel a little better with confirmation that I was not out of line in my thinking. Looking back I can't believe I didn't walk out months and months sooner. I didn't grow up in that kind of atmosphere. My dad never raised a hand or even his voice to my mom nor she to him. They had their disagreements but they never ever got hateful about it. I keep asking myself why I didn't recognize a miserable situation and deal with it instead of take it. I do know that it's taken a good toll on my opinion of men. I wonder how many others who have gone through this find it impossible to even think about trusting again.

Thanks again everyone!