Considering trying counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Considering trying counseling
4
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 7:54am

I'm considering looking into counseling for DH and me, but I did not have good experience the last time because DH who is a pro with manipulating words (which is why he is verbally abusive to begin with) and very persuasive in making his points twisted things so that it appeared I was the one who had the problems. The counselor seemed to take "his" side and I just felt like it was a waste of our time. So I am very paranoid about trying it again. DH is already seeing a psychiatrist for bipolar disorder and taking paxil, which was just recently increased to a higher dose. I don't know what to do. My 11 year old is asking that I and dad see a counselor.

Has counseling helped anyone else on this board and does it even help an a verbal abuser come to terms with his behavior?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:41am
As far as I know, couple's counseling has helped no one on this board,myself included. It's really a huge waste of time, and another opportunity for the abuser to tell you what you are doing wrong,but this time with the help of a counselor who will join in and suggest what you can change in order to prevent the abuse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:18am

I may be way of base here, (I should show more confidence in myself). I have had every type of counseling there is, as far as I am concered. What is most import to me now is faith in myself and others that have gone through what I have for the past 30 years. Experience in what we are going through and why we are here talking about it. A lot of people I know are going on with their everyday normal lives and we are here for a reason. Because our lives are not normal. I got tired of trying to help him fix himself to make our lives better. Now I want to be happy and by being happy will make me feel great because I gave me away to someone who didn't appreciate life period. I am very bitter towards him and don't wish him well because I bought into his way of thinking and chose the wrong fork in the road. I want to now make every day count and help others understand that our lives are important and that of our children. Life is too short to be miserable and here has made me realize it. People who have experience with the real world, not with a piece of paper saying they are good at what they do, have proven to me more valuable. I hope this is making since here. You need to focus on how important you are and what you want for the rest of your life. Be safe,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:51am

Diana:

I went to counseling for myself. After living with him for 26 years, knowing he wouldn't change no matter how many times he said he would, I knew not one ounce of counseling would help him so I went for myself. I needed to have someone tell me that I mattered after putting up with his emotional abuse. All of us here know what they do to us. They make us feel worthless. They make us feel like we are selfish if we do anything for ourselves.

Diana, I have been reading your post. The grocery stores, Walmart, etc., I dealt with that too. Like "IV" in the other post, I lost my best friend too of 15 or more years. He tried to munipulate me into ditching my other lifetime friends, but I hung on thank goodness. I couldn't even go out for a drink after a PTO meeting. Oh yeah, I forgot, I could go but then it was 20 questions: where have you been, who were you with, who did you talk to, how much did you drink, etc. It got to the point I never went out with friends because I knew what I'd get when I got home, even though I was "allowed" to go. Buying groceries, etc., I ran our household on $350 for two weeks and that included every friggin thing. I had to run to so many different stores to shop thrifty so I could spread that $350 for two weeks. I bought everything on sale and cut coupons. If I spent more than it was "what did you do with the money". I could never buy anything for myself. If I did, I had to hide it. Even if I bought stuff for the house, I had to hide it. All he did was bank the extra money for his "retirement". If I were a cruel person, I could laugh at that thought because now he's down to the bare minimum. Oh yeah, he's still crying to me he's broke. My heart bleeds! He hasn't changed a bit. It's all about saving money for that rainy day. I'm not stupid. He claims he has no money. Yeah, right. He forgets I lived with him for 26 years. I know where his money is going.

Anyway, I'm sorry I ranted. I'm just trying to say we all have the same similar stories. They are abusers. Some abuse with the fist, others with the words, and still others play head games. Bottom line, I don't feel they change. They take you off guard and let you think they are going to change then BOOM!!!! They hit you again.

I think you need to go to counseling on your own. It helped me to understand that I matter, I count, I have a life. And as Slockhart said, "Life's to short to be miserable." That's what I always say too.

Take care and keep posting,
Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:04am

Me again, Diana. I forgot to mention that my ex-mother-in-law supports ME in our divorce. See, she lived the same bullsh*t with ex's father, except back then she had 6 kids and didn't know what to do. So you see, it's genetic. It filters down. She told me his dad's dad was the same way. So think of your children too. You don't want them go be subjected to this. That's one of the main reasons why I got out. I could see my dd was turning into him.

Happy