controlling boyfriend? (very long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
controlling boyfriend? (very long)
12
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:57am
hi...i'm new here. this will be quite long, i'm sorry. i'm 20 years old (just 8 days ago) and i have been with my boyfriend for about a year and three months. i'm not sure if i have a controlling/abusive boyfriend. i love him more than anything. but sometimes i feel he may be controlling.

we've have many upsetting conversations of things (mistakes) i've done in the past, even before we were together. he'd become upset at what i had done, even though nothing can be changed about it now. he especially gets upset about my ex boyfriend. he'll ask me all these questions about him. i used to go out and party every once in awhile, once i went to a club. if a dance or party song comes on the radio my boyfriend will ask if i heard it, when i heard it, if i heard it while i was at a party or club, who was i with, had i been drinking. he's said before that he won't go to the places i've lived because i had partied in that town, or i had been there with my ex-boyfriend, or i lived at that location while with my ex-bf. i feel so bad for things i've done in the past even before we met, even though i know i can't change things. i already feel bad for my mistakes but he brings them up over and over again and feel even worse about them. he has mistakes and i dont' bring them up because i know they're mistakes and we can't do anything about them. he's lied to me a couple of time while we were together, but i've forgiven him, because i love him and they were mistakes. i assume the same thing from him. even though i've never lied to him.

another thing is i've lost many friends while we've been together. i have not talked to my best friend in many months because he does not like her, even though he's never met her before. he would get upset if i emailed her. i don't have any friends from college anymore either.



my boyfriend and i have also had discussions about me wearing certain clothes. i can't where shirts that if i bend over you see a sliver of my chest, or a shirt that's even real low down on my neck. although he is getting better at this. before he would tug down my shirt so it wouldn't show a piece of my lower back. he still pulls up my shirts if it shows to much of my collarbone/chest. if i'm wearing a sweater with a zipper and a tank top underneath he will zip the sweater all the way up. i won't dare where a skirt above my knees or shorts. and i won't where make-up either. he belives that if i where any shirts to low or even a shirt that is a tiny bit above my waistline on my pants, that i'm trying to attract other guys or show myself off, which i'm not. i buy clothes because i like them/feel good in them. same with makeup, he thinks that i where make up to attract guys and make me look at them.

i have a cat, and he will get jealous if i pet him too much. he's getting better at this though.

my boyfriend had a really bad childhood, his parents weren't much parents at all, they may have been loving, but not attentive at all. he dropped out of high school in 11th grade, and got his GED (and got very good scores, he's really quite smart and talented with music and art) however, he can't hold a steady job. he's had three jobs, the shortest job being only for one day, then longest being three months. i basically support him. i use money i earned from the job i had, the money my parents were saving for school, and the credit card i'm only supposed to use for emergencies and food. i can't say no to him if he wants something. and he constantly ask for something. for instance i had to buy some shirts for my little sister, and i bought myself a few. and he wanted to know why he couldn't get anything. while in the last month he's gotten plenty of things that i paid for. and i had only gotten a few things because it was my birthday. he just recently ordered something online which hasn't arrived yet, and yet he's already asked me if he could get something else. i feel so bad if i say no, he'll get really dissapointed and upset. and most times i can handle that, i feel so bad. i feel bad if i want to read a book when he wants to watch a movie, so i'll watch a movie that i don't want to watch. i just now started asking if i could do something, if i don't want to do what he wants to do.

anyway, there is more, but i can't think of anything. and i'm a bit overwhelmed at how much i wrote. i even feel bad for this, i feel like i'm betraying him. i'm too scared to mention any of this to him, in fear of him being upset or mad. i'm just looking for any suggestions on what to do, opinions of whether he is controlling/abusive, or comments, support, or anything anyone has to offer. thank you so much.

christy

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:06am
<<<<<<>>>>>>>>

remember what i said about jealousy? he wants nothing in your life. everything threatens him.

this guy is incredibly self-ish and self-centered and UNBALANCED to be jealous of a house pet.

my guess is that eventually, if he hasn't already, he'll start dropping hints that he wants you to get rid of your cat.

<<<<<<<<<>>>

whoa!!! listen to what you're saying..... they guy can't keep a job, he mooches off his girlfriend, AND he makes you buy him stuff?

what are you, his mother?

honey, don't buy into the bullsh*t about how women aren't supposed to want money. money means a man can be a man in a man's world. real men have jobs. real men don't mooch off their girlfriends. he's so incompetent that he can't even support himself!

don't choose poverty. that's my advice. i can't say it loudly enough.

it is important in this world for a man to be able to function. he cannot.

<<<<>>>>

aw, poor baby,... all this and a bad childhood, too?! so hard! and to make his life even worse, his own girlfriend won't buy him sh*t when he wants her to.

who's being the blackmailer here? who's the selfish one? and why should YOU feel guilty?

that's funny, i know men who had it rough and they've risen above it... every day we hear about people who have accomplishments despite a troubled upbringing...

<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

he wants you to be his little dog... he can treat you any way he'd like and will play the sympathy card when handy, and he will shove your face in every "wrong" he ever sees because you are.

you can't dress without his approval, you can't have private time to do whatever you might enjoy. you can't talk to anyone. you are in a cage.

is this what you envisioned love as?

thing is, with all this stuff, it can start out very innocently... until you're so engulfed by the insanity that damn near everything feels weird.

while it is flattering to have a guy be a lil jealous about other men, his is rage. it's not the good kind... it's strangling. sometimes a guy looking for a little reassurance is cool... but the way he does it is mean, it's not the usual "cute" stuff... try to see it real hard for what it is... it's not right. you know this.

him mentioning how you dress was probably kinda flattering at first, too... after all, he probably said you look sexy or pretty... until it got to the point where you were being a sl*t and encouraging attention from others by dressing the way you were...

do you see the jump we're making?

your friends threaten him. if you don't have outside input or friends, no one can give you the heads up on how he's really treating you, how you've changed, how your heart is clouded because of it.

<<<<>>>

sweetie, when you leave him, it will all become clear... he is abusive in the worst way because he doesn't consider you a human being.

there is no point to mentioning it to him. what you see with this guy is what you will get for the rest of your life.

with men like this, talking doesn't change anything. you get it out and it will eventually be used against you. talking is pointless... if talking worked with this guy, would you find yourself in this position now? you can talk and explain until you're blue in the face and he may make promise after promise... but remember, if he had it in him none of this would have happened in the first place.

some men are like this and you have to accept that some men are and decide whether this is what you want for your life. do you want a man like this? with all the men in the world, why would you deliberately pick on like him?

reason is because he wants you to feel worthless without him. he's that shallow, he's that selfish, and he's that unbalanced.

another thing is that men don't change. it is in his character to be this way. no matter how much he proclaims how much he loves you... this is possession, it's a desperate need to rule over a woman.

a man wouldn't take his sh*t, would he?

neither should you. you're supposed to be the woman he loves... shouldn't he be nicer to you than he is to anyone else?

so what's his problem then... some men are jerks. get used to it and know that just because they can be very nice and cute and do cute things and be all cuddly... no matter what he says, no man worthy of you would ever try to make you feel lousy about yourself and your life on purpose.

he does it on purpose. men like him are pretty common... they just don't get it and there's nothing you can do about it. he's a bad apple.

there is no man good enough in bed or cute enough in the mornings to justify this.

with men like this, you break up, you get back together because they play on your emotions and start telling you how wonderful you are... or they berate you for ending it because YOU are the awful one.

this guy should start taking life like a man.

he's what i call a loser. he's incompetent in a man's world, he can't keep a job, he can't pay his own bills, he's not responsible, he makes his woman feel like crap, he's manipulative, he's so insecure and pathetic that he's jealous of an animal, he doesn't want you to have any friends, he makes you feel crappy about your entire life before him, he demands every single moment of your time and attention, and on top of it he's undereducated and is destined for a life of poverty and treating women like crap.

don't get so wrapped up in the dream of having a man that you settle for a loser.

don't scrape the bottom of the barrel for a man.

don't talk to him, just make arrangements and move out.

and don't leave anything you want behind, because chances are he's such a d*ck that he'll try to destroy them and manipulate you even more.

just do what you gotta do, girl. some guys aren't worth our time.

too bad for them.

now go collect your brain and leave him in the dust.







iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 10:11am
i am also 20 and in college, and i just got out of a relationship like that which lasted for 2 1/2 years. i am ruined finacially, but i feel so much better, like a load has been taken off of my shoulders. he was also abused as a child, and cried every time i tried to get a bit of freedom from him, made me feel guilty. it got to the point where i wanted to quite school, and when i got my assocaites he told me it was about time, why did it take me so long. absolutley ruined the day for me. he was good at that. you only have a year invested, dont waste 2 years like i did. and when you break it off with him, he will continue to call you and tell you he is so sorry (and in my case how much he wants to get married). when i didnt fall for it, he starts screaming that he never did anything wrong, and it is all my fault. i am now getting an unlisted number, and moving. as far as the pets go, he never liked my cat either (and she didnt care for him). he always joked about taking her to the pound, and she would respond by peeing on his clothes. he went and got dogs, which he then abused (i have them now, i wont let him take them). when you leave him, you will feel so much better and happier, almost instantly. yeah, life will be hard, but it will be so worth it. keep us posted.

rachael

Pages