controlling jekyll and hyde
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| Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:26am |
Hello everyone,
I've posted on the board a few times and try to read it when "it's" safe to do so. Thanks to members of this board, I have come to the realization that I am in a verbally abusive relationship, however I am still working to towards to steps to leave one day, although I still don't feel the strength to do so but I wish I did have thte strength. There are days where I just want to take the easy way out and take my life. I take back pain medication, and it's so tempting to just take the whole bottle sometimes, but what stops me is not so much love for myself but for my 2 daughters 19 and 11. I feel as I am their only advocate, esp to my youngest 11 years old who is so close to me. It would devastate her if anything happened to me. So I hang on, like someone clinging to a branch overlooking a ravine, an there are days when I feel I am slipping.
Today was one of them. We've been married 20 years and for the first 15 my hubby would go to the racetrack every Saturday night, while I stayed home with the kids. I worked full time during the week, (we worked at the same place, so we commuted together) but I did not drive, so I was pretty stranded. Now I work from, home and 5 years ago, a girlfriend helped learn how to drive, and I have enjoyed the freedom that brings. However, my husband has never been happy that I drive. He is constantly reminding me how much freedom I have, and that I have so much fun "going out" every day. By going out, he's referring to the trips I make to Walmart, Grocery store, Target, and similar. I've told him that these trips are necessary to buy things for the house etc. Also my neighbor across the way has been inviting me about 1 every 2 weeks to order Mexican carryoout and have a margarita while we wait. Husband encourages me to go, but then when I come back, all I hear is how I am constantly out and drinking. Then he'll get back into his nice mood again and push me to go, but I am always afraid of what I will come back to, even though when I am out with my friend, I enjoy the little bit of relief that outing brings.
Today again was one of those nights where he staring ranting and raving how he never gets to do anything but I am out all the time. The one thing he did enjoy doing, golfing, he blames me for his quitting it, because when he was golfing 3 times a week during the summer, I made the terrible mistake of saying in a half-joking way, "If this was me golfing 3 times a week, I'd never hear the end of it from you." So, turned my comment around by immediately quiting golfing and blaming me because I told him it bothered me that he went golfing, which was not the case at all!
So since then, during his free time he sits at home watching sports then keeping tabs everytime I do run to the grocery store or have a margarita while we are waiting for the csrryout the dinner, that will feed HIM and the family. He doesn't go to track anymore because he can gamble online, so now he doesn't have any reason to leave the house, so now he says it's not fair that I can do things and he can't. He finally said to me that if I wanted to make him happy, I should stop going to the store (he will do the groceries) stop talking to my mom and sister, and stop going out with my friend, stop my yoga class (I take it for my back.) and attending Weight Watchers meetings. I was a size 16, but since I started WW 1 month ago, I've lost 12 pounds and so happy about that accomplishment!
I am so distraught right now, because he just can't stand to see me happy. Two years ago, I was told I watch television too much, and being a typical mom, that is actually rare, but he just happend to catch me at time when something was wrong at the house, and I just happened to be watching tv. Now of course he denies and will ask me to come tv with him (shows that he likes, never asks what I would like to see) so I just remind him about how I am not allowed to watch television, and he gets mad at me. I know it is childish but it's a defense mechanism on my part. I just can't stand this Jekyll and Hyde stuff.
I have always put up with all his needs but when it comes to mine he is so selfish.
I just wanted to vent. I really needed an outlet tonight, esp. if I will be stuck in the house from now on.
Thanks for listening,
Diana Sr.

Let me be the first to say welcome to you and tell you that you have come to the right place. I consider myself a survivor because of this place. I have been everywhere and will come here because this has the best advice and support. I had to check to see about what time you posted. Please don't give up, I know how you feel. I feel like I have hung on by the tip of my fingers for ever. I left after 25 years and my son is 28. And there will be the next day believe me. It is just we have to get through the bad ones the best we can and we have to. You will look and see who is this person that has your life in his hands. You need to look at yourself and see who you are and how important you are and especially because of YOU and YOUR two girls. These so called men (all the men in may family are good men) I believe come from same backgrounds. I had no brothers, all sister, and brothers would have turned out like my dad. He is closing in on you and will take the life out of you and believe me they don't care. It is the way they are and you have to save yourself and your girls. You will not want them to live the way you have. I hope you will forgive me for getting carried away so early in the morning. I care and good advice will be coming your way. Be safe, keep posting here because we care.
Luv, Sherry
Hello.
I read your post. I also am in a jekyll and hyde relationship with my husband. His mood swings have gotten worse in the past two years. Before that he was fine with me. We have two boys one year apart ages 3 1/2 and 2 1/2. He is very controlling. He wants to know my whereabouts all the dam time. He wants to know when i come home where i go what am i doing? There is also alot verbal and emotional abuse towards me. He puts me down, critisizes me and the way i work around the home, with the kids. I work full time as a legal secretary and earn very good $ and very independent. Whereas he doesn't earn too much and not to mention he was out of work for a whole year becuz he was lazy. He gets angry for nothing. He has a short temper. Until one day he blew up at me and hit me very bad and was hospitalized for two days. Like a sucker that i am, i took him back because i love him and want to keep the family. I told his family (parents, brothers etc.) that i'll give him this one chance. But if he so does ever to lay a friggin hand on me again, IT'S OVER FOR GOOD AND I DON'T GIVE A DAM because you know what, i don't need someone to control my life. This is my life, my choice, my children and the most important thing that the last post said is that you have to love yourself and the children more than him to get away. So anyway, he started work full time and getting his alcohol intact and going to programs. But i just hope he get's better. Which i heard it doesn't, so it's a chance i'm taking.
Just remember you are not alone and after all the years I invested and tried to figure it out, once I gave it a name in 97, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, I couldn't go back. And because of the help I have had with support dealing with this, it makes since. Patricia Evan wrote two books, The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Survivors Speak Out. The first book I tried to get ex to read and he refused. You get it or you don't, he didn't and now I am free. I this is not the way I would have liked to have lived the last 30 years of my life knowing him, but it is what it is, and I hope no one goes through that amount of time giving their life to someone who doesn't deserve it. Be safe and take care of yourself,
Luv, Sherry
Thanks Sherry,
This started about two years ago and seeing it now. There are so many others that see it too late. But i tell you something, as much as I love this man and have two beutiful children. i will not allow anyone to do this to me again becuz it happened already in my first marriage and i was only 20 years old. I'm giving it one more chance and that's it!! the scary thing about it is that i know for a fact it's gonna start all over again but let's wait and see............
take care.