Could you ever help one of your abusers?

Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Could you ever help one of your abusers?
8
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 11:55pm

Would it make a difference who the abuser was? I know we have one poster who helped out her abuser and I remember thinking there is no way I ever would. I still don't think I would help my ex husband but my mother on the other hand is a different story. I have a friend who considered taking in her abusive ex since he could no longer abuser her and she loved him once and he is the father of two of her children.

I am torn on helping my mother but I am not asking for advice (or criticism) for doing so. I am going to keep trying to help even though I am conflicted about doing so. She has no one else and is in bad shape right now. I don't know if she will ever recover and be able to live alone (no I would never take her in and made that clear to the hospital and that I want her placed in assisted living). It is just a bit quiet around here and I thought this would make an interesting topic.

A little back ground about my mother. She is an emotional abuser and it mainly started after I moved out. She made some bad choices that effected me before that but most of her abuse started after I moved out. We have gone months without talking more then once over the way she treats me but something bad would happen to her and I would get sucked back in. I managed to not let the last couple of tragedies suck me in but right now she has no one else and she is my mother I can't not help her.


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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 7:51am
I was faced with a similar choice when WO's dad was dying. Since she hadn't seen or had any contact with him since she was 14 mos. old, my mom and I felt that she needed to see him before he died. And that he needed to see her one last time. I had no plans to see him myself and her grandmothers were going to take her to see him. Sadly, he chose not to let this happen (he weighed less than 100 lbs and thought she would be scared of him, very twisted person). Simply put, it's compassion. You have your boundaries in place and have stood firm in them. At this point, it's pure compassion. No one can fault you for that unless they don't have a shred of compassion in their own heart.

Mama Harmony

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Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 8:43am

Hi;

I think it was funbuz who took care of her dying husband who was extremely abusive.

I have helped my ex husband-abuser.. When we were going through a divorce and still living in the same house he got kidney stones and a bacterial infection. I drove him to the hospital and waited for him to be admitted. My boundary was to not stay with him and hang around and see how he was doing. So I left and went back to the marital house.

I also helped get his medication and a bunch of other things. I tried to keep as many boundaries as I could. I figure let God judge him but I have a clean conscious as a human being. I would do it for anyone who needed help.

Right now I live with my family and the ex called me and he said he broke his leg.. I said well? Do you need any help? He said no because he has a gfriend helping and his kids so that is good enough for me.

If he did call me for help I most likely would do it because that is the type of person I am..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 10:19am
I don't think I could do it. Well, I think if my mom died and my dad needed help, I would help. If it were the other way around - nope, not going to happen. I wouldn't put myself back into that situation. If my ex-husband or the ex-bf who broke my jaw called and needed help... oh heeeeeeeell no. But, its up to you.
Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 10:30am
Chipped I thought the same thing about my mother and as long as there was someone else I didn't help. But now there is no one else but I am questioning if I should be. My sister won't do anything and I understand and have not talked to her about it but we are not talking over her telling me off because I couldn't fix her problems. She knows something is going on because one of our mothers neighbors told her and she said stick her in a home. She has to know I'm helping her by what I put on Facebook but hasn't asked. I'm not doing a lot as in seeing her but am trying to make sure she gets the help she needs and assisted living when she leaves the hospital. Now my ex husband I would only help if he was getting eclectic shock treatment and I could flip the switch

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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 6:16pm
My only concern is that you not become re-victimized. If your mother is in the hospital now, there are social workers and discharge planners who are quite capable of setting her up with what she needs. If your mother is re-victimizing you, you have to take care of yourself, and only you can make that call. But to say that you are the ONLY one left who can help is not actually true. Now it's true that the discharge planners can't go out and visit assisted living facilities, etc. but they can make the arrangements for all your mother's needs to be met. In all of this, keep yours and your kids needs FIRST. Don't be sucked back into the dysfunctional dynamic. If, at any time you are feeling less than right about what you are doing, that's your gut talking to you again. LIsten to it. If your mother has been abusive to you, you owe her about as much as you owe the ex - nothing. But it's your life and it's your call.

Mama Harmony

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 7:11pm
I am worried about that to and that is one reason I don't go see her every time I could. I go every few days. I end up staying longer then I want to. I know there are professionals to help her but they haven't been. She has been in and out of this part of the hospital several times in the last few years and I thought at least 2 years ago they should have kept her some where. This time its real bad. She was home a week before she went down hill. The first hospital man handled her so bad she had a nasty big bruise under her arm. If she goes home someone could find her dead and yes she was abusive but I think a lot of that was the mental illness and after the abuse she went though she took the I am not going to be a victim again to much and went the wrong way with it possibly because of the mental illness but I don't think she deserves to die that way. It helps that she is not being abusive right now and if she was I would still try to get her placed somewhere but i would not visit. My ex husband deserves to die alone and no one to notice for days but not all abusers do and right now my mother is going though hell in her head i can't stand by and watch her die alone over mental illness when she is trying to get help. I am stronger then i was before and she knows if she crosses certain lines I will walk away again. So I am hoping it will be ok

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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 8:11am
Ahhh, thanks for clarifying, April. I didn't realize your mom was a victim of mental illness. Have you contacted the local mental health agency to see if there are any assisted living facilities suitable for her? I know you are probably turning over every rock you can to find the appropriate place for her, but maybe we can come up with some ideas you hadn't thought of. I know it's hard to watch someone who is important to you fall into that black hole. Where I live there are home health nurses who specialize in working with mentally ill patients. They go by their home however many times a week is needed, check on them, the condition of their home, see if they're eating and check to make sure they are taking their meds. Perhaps that is an avenue to explore. Have you considered contacting the National Institutes of Mental Health and seeking resources through them. OR googling for an organization that focuses on the illness(es) that your mother has? Most major psychiatric disorders have their own organization that can also provide resources. As long as you are comfortable doing what you're doing, go for it. But the second you become UNcomfortable - simply STOP. And don't rent the guilt space in your head. You and your kids come first. Hang in there.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 8:46am


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