counseling question

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
counseling question
10
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 9:17am
I take me daughter to DV counseling, but they require that if the child gets counseling then the parent gets counseling too. I go to group counseling. From what I see, most of the women there are going for themselves(meaning they actually like the counseling) as well as for their kids. I think the women that don't want counseling don't take their kids either. I think this may hurt kids in a way because I hate counseling but I stick through it for my daughter. But I don't see anybody in the same situation. So in a way you could say the whole family needs counseling but in another way more kids would actually be getting help if mom weren't required to go. An example, some one said her eight year old was suicidal. She has destroyed things as well as hurt herself. This woman is still with her husband. I was so mad just to be there. The child is getting worse and worse because the child is in a horrible enviroment. Do we wait for the child to kill herself? Exactly what is she waiting for? It may sound selfish but my main problem is I don't want to listen to this crap. I would appreciate any feedback on this if some one has an opinion. Also, to those who have been through DV counseling, did they require you to attend if your child was? Before we moved we went to another DV agency and they wouldn't even let the kids into counseling if the parents were still together. They said it put the child in danger. This place does allow children in counseling if the parents are together. So are they putting children in danger? I just think they make up rules with no basis in fact.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 9:44am
can i ask why your daughter is in DV counseling?
i only ask becasue my daughter is in it now to here i do not have to go my self
she is being abused buy a boy friend i would love to go my self as to fined out the best whay to help her.as my hubby wants me to let them stay together and her to work it out on her owen and i just can not be ok with her dateing him she is only 16 this is her first real boy friend and i know she thinks she loves him but in time she will know it was not love at all.and part of me thinks may be she is wanting me to stope hermy hubby is trying so hard to make me think i am worgn for trying to end it with these 2 even even said he was leaveing if i tryed to step in it to me it be nice to know wach whay is the best to handle it if other thank i am righting in stoping it for her i will be ok loseing hubby over it as my kids mean more to me than any one
other than this me a hubby have a great relsion ship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:14am

Hope, i think you were the person here or on another board, asking me about the DV counseling either myself of my dd is getting? Was it you>

Anyway, it would be VERY hard for me to sit in a group cousneling session w/ someone who's dd is in that situation, AND the woman is not taking her OUT of it. I was a psyc RN in an inpatient childrens psyc hositpal for a long time, & i saw so many situations that began like this ... & ended as in inpatient. Or worse. :(

For us, dd's cousneling is w/ the DV childrens advocate. I met w/ her once on her own, & dd will meet w/ her, starting tomorow - alone, to evaluate what she needs. I myself am in therapy, as i have been, w/ a very good strong therapist. I coudlnt make it w/o having someone to bounce all this stuff off of. I strongly recommend any & all cousneling that is avaliable to the whole family. R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:36am

I can tell you on a personal experience level,...here where I work at,....the counselors here they each have their own unique way of how they do the sessions.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 1:50pm
My husband was abusive, but we're divorced.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 2:05pm
I left him almost a year ago. I had counseling for 6 months. My counselor felt I did not need further counseling and neither did I. My daughter is in individual counseling and they do not require me to have counseling. Then she goes to a DV shelter for children't group counseling and they require me to attent the adult group counseling. Will it benefit some one to go to counseling when they don't want to?(Making an exception for the suicidal and homicidal). How does it benefit me to listen to this crap week after week? The only thing I'm learning is some people are very messed up and they make their own mess and refuse to get out of it. That reminds me, another woman at my group her daughter actually ended up as an inpatient at a psych ward for teens. Her attitude towards her daughter was one of total hostility and blame. I got so upset listening to her. The best thing that can happen to her poor daughter is to grow up and leave home and have no contact or very limited contact with mom. These women actually think they are mothers. They aren't. The woman with a suicidal eight year old who is starting to self harm, yet she stays. Another woman told her 4 year old that the loss of her aunt wasn't so bad because she lost her sister. Meaning the mom lost her sister but the child only lost an aunt. How dare anybody have the nerve to say this to a 4 year old? A 5 year old who pulled out all her hair. Mom continues to stay with the abusive husband. A 3 year old who sucks a bottle constantly, sits still all day and makes no effort to interact with others(by mother's description). A 12 year old who said the stepfather touched her. Mom says she has to get some things together before she leaves. It does not benefit me to listen to this crap every week. I know these people are there to get help. But they make me sick. They truly do. If that sounds harsh, keep in mind I did not choose a job as a counselor. I am not suited for that job at all. I think it's great that you were able to be a psych RN. I personally would have no patience for it. I have tried talking to the counselors about it. But they stick by that I have to go. Right now I'm in a small group for 2 months because my daughter likes her small group, but when we go back into the regular group, I came up with my own solution. That is earplugs. I've already worn them one, I can only hear a random word occasionally. But I'm just trying to deal with this small group for now. I can't wear earplugs because it's more interactive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 2:08pm
Thanks. I wouldn't mind family sessions. I had counseling for 6 months. My counselor felt I didn't need further counseling and I agreed. This was at a different agency where my daughter gets individual counseling. I am not going to counseling at the DV shelter for me, I'm going for my daughter. The only thing that will work for me is to skip it all together and I've already asked and it's not allowed. I just wanted everyone's opinion on it though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 2:12pm

Hey hope -


The more I hear about this "counseling" they've got set up, it makes me wonder if maybe your daughter isn't getting appropriate counseling if it's the same place.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 8:03pm
Well I actually did tell them how much I didn't like group. They said I could go to individual counseling. But the thing is I've been in counseling last year for 6 months, and I feel like I have gained from it what I needed to gain, and I don't need any further counseling at this time. So my option was either individual counseling which we all say about abusers all the time it doesn't help if they are forced into it. So why would it help me if I was forced into it? Then I got the earplugs idea. It's great,I can only hear an occasional word, not even a phrase.But the problem now is we are in a small group and it's more interactive so I can't wear earplugs. But I only have 6 more sessions, before me and my earplugs go into the regular group. Do you have some info about how DV counseling is supposed to be? Some basic guidelines maybe? Another thing is I have 18 month old twins and travel time is a factor, but not the only factor of course.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 8:39pm

From what you told me before, this sounds more like a class than counseling.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 10:22pm
It's actually not a class. Everyone takes turn talking,but no one is required to talk. The counselor says very little. But they have it set up so the children's group and the adult group both start at the same time because most of the women are moms. The small group we are in now is specifically for moms and kids to do at the same time, but in seperate rooms. Then we go back to the regular one. I think you are right in that it is designed to help the majority or as many people as possible and they don't take into account if some one isn't being helped. But I will look to see if there is anything else around. This place now is 15 minutes away. I could travel up to 45 minutes. I will see if there is anything within that distance, but the ear plugs thing is really great, maybe I'll just stay in the large group.