counseling session
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| Wed, 08-24-2005 - 6:30pm |
Had our first counseling session at the new place last night. I know from reading posts people have written that counseling seldom works, if ever, but, I still feel, or felt, who knows anymore, that I had to give it a chance.
Things started out with the usual him telling his side that I'm always unhappy, etc. The counselor proceeded to ask if it had ever gotten physical and we both said yes. I brought up the knife situation after he was trying to minimize some of the other things he had done. The counselor asked him if he understood how much fear and pain that caused me and he got so uncomfortable, said he did, said he was just going to leave me so he didn't hurt me anymore. The counselor kept trying to drill it into his head how much fear I must feel and my husband said he wasn't trying to hurt me with the knife, just himself. He looked as though he wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. We tried to discuss help for him, but, he was too shook up, upset, whatever to hear much of anything. He was asked to leave the room for a period of time so I could be met with individually and was asked the questions about being safe, was reminded it wasn't my fault and I couldn't stop bawling and worrying about my husband and how he was feeling, I don't understand why I do that. He laid in the backseat on our way home, didn't talk to me, first thing he did when he walked in the door was grab a beer, which didn't exactly put my mind at ease. I had called my son on the way home and told him to pack a bag and I brought him to my mom's for the night so he wouldn't have to listen to anything.....
I guess I expected for him to react the way he did later on, came upstairs, telling me that he wants a divorce, that I will never be able to forget about what he has done. Also starts in on that if I was so scared, why didn't I call the police. I told him that he was just trying to justify or minimize what he had done by saying something like that. Told him that I probably wouldn't forget the things he had done, but, would be able to start trusting him again if "he" took the steps he needed to get the help he needed. He said he will get the help he needs, that he knows he needs it, but he'd rather do it on his own. Started asking me if I wanted to stay in the house or what we were going to do about that, which I suppose we will have to sell it as neither one of us can afford to live in it on our own. He told me he was certain that when he was asked to leave the room that the police were being called and that he was going to be arrested and hauled away......
I don't know where I'm at with things, I've cried on and off since last night and at the other times just feel numb. I know the ball is in his court, I just don't think he has it in him to deal with his feelings and take things in the direction they need to go. I know that I need to leave if that is how he handles it and it breaks my heart that he'd rather walk away than work on something that is so harmful to not only me but himself......

Honey, there is nothing wrong with trying something once.
Honey, dont you ever call any fragment of your body stupid.......because if you do....we won't give you any chocolate ;-)
My opinion is that the ball is in YOUR court now. Sounds like the Mr had a wake up call and to hear the truth echoed from a counselor was a bit more than he could handle. Maybe he started talking divorce more to get control over the situation (I'm sure he WANTS the ball in his court right now and doesn't like being at anyone's mercy). There were quite possibly some feelings of guilt there too, but not enough to say "she is worth so much to me that I am determined to be the man she deserves" as his diving for a beer to numb the situation seems to show. He seems to be feeling sorry for himself in a big way.
I can imagine what a terrible crossroad you are standing at now. I was also at that point when trying to figure out if I should stick it out or run as fast as I can the other direction. If this is where you are right now, then absolutely the ball is in your court, for deciding which direction to go. Don't pass the ball to him, because this type of personal decision should never be passed on to another. Use the moment to decide which direction is best for YOU. Follow that little voice deep inside, it always knows what is best.