Crazymaking....
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| Fri, 06-24-2005 - 11:26am |
Well my husband is pulling out all the stops. He keeps telling me he is on the verge of insanity or suicide…then he stages his little warning signs. Like the other night…we were walking in the park which was pretty nice. All of a sudden he brought up something bad and started badgering me. I can’t even remember what it was but all here know what I mean. When things are going good, they just have to start something. Bring up something old or make an issue out of something insignificant (to a normal person). A look, a gesture, body language or a remark from a relative or stranger…doesn’t matter, they will find a way to twist it to fit their purpose. While we were out my boys called to say they were hungry and could we stop at a taco place to bring them something. So my husband agreed and when we finished walking he started driving to the restaurant. All of a sudden he said I didn’t deserve it – ( I don’t eat fast food so he didn’t mean the food ) – and decided to punish me by way of our kids and just drove home.
The boys were disappointed and my son asked me to make him something. This was about 10:00 p.m. I knew my husband was going to be mad that I wasn’t going to be with him while I was cooking but I did it anyway. I don’t like it when my kids are hungry. So I made a whole meal for them while my husband waited like a spider in the bathtub. At first I didn’t know he was in the bathtub. I thought he was in bed but I knew he was waiting for my attention. After a while my younger son got worried and told me that he was in the bathtub and that he tried to ask him something through the door but my husband did not respond – several times. I knew that this was a bad thing for me but I kept on making the dinner and also cleaned up because I found out my older daughter and her boyfriend were coming in that night instead of the next day.
When I finished the dinner and spent a few minutes with my daughter who I haven’t seen in a couple of weeks, I went up to my husband. He was in the bathtub alright – the water looked reddish and he had a towel wrapped around his arm. I still don’t know what he used to color the water but it was not blood, and later I didn’t see any cuts on his arm. I finally got him out of the bathtub and into bed. The next day he asked me how I liked the bathtub situation. How would it feel if I came in and saw him lying there in a blood filled bathtub? For those who have been reading my posts, you know that he has threatened suicide many times and staged some, like pretending to be jumping off a bridge in Pittsburgh (after one of my daughters made a remark he didn’t like) or staging a hanging in the garage (because he ‘needed me’ and I went to work and left him), or discussing something with me while holding a knife under his throat. He is saying he is close to suicide...talks like that all the time now. When I gently tell him he needs to get professional counseling or therapy, he either says we can’t afford it (my medical insurance covers it which he knows) or gets mad and tells me that I am trying to pass off on a stranger what should be my job.
I just can’t take it anymore. He is sapping all my energy. I compare him to a newborn baby with colic. Newborns need constant attention and if they have colic they are completely miserable to be around. But at least a newborn grows up and out of the colic. I have been stuck with this six foot tall infant for half of my life. I want to get away from him but he keeps making me feel so guilty, like I am such a terrible person for wanting to get away from him (when he needs me so badly now). I did make a vow that had the words for better or for worse, didn’t I? I know he is using guilt to make me do what he wants. How do you guys handle the guilt thing?
Oh and here’s a new one. He wants me to discuss some parts of our ‘bedroom activities’ with our children. Its very complicated so I can’t get into it but his reasoning is that they will better understand that we are just being playful (uuuggghhh!!!) and he is not hurting me (untrue). I will NOT do that but he is going to use it against me for many months to come.

Oh honey, it's so obvious that this is draining you to bits.
I felt guilty sure. I had my son with my mom and a friend there. His father was in hiding from an arrest warrant for running me off the road and the next day when he did find out he punched a hole in the wall at the hospital while being escorted out by security. What gets me over that is even now the things that come out of his mouth that are just so out there it doesn't even deserve a comment. When I come here and remind myself of what he has done and what he has cost me I no longer feel guilt or love or respect for him.
I left when I just could not give anymore. I didn't know any longer what I could do to please him and keep the peace. I was going as fast as I could and it was not good enough for him. I finally decided I could not bring a child into that and since his family and friends didn't/would not help me I left.
I am glad you posted again. I have been wondering what happened with the money situation and how you were. Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but when I see my son happy and thriving I know I did what I had to do for him to live a healthy life. You will get there too whether today or tomorrow or next month you too will find the strength to get up and leave.
-Jennifer
Hi Jennifer: Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. It means a lot, especially because of how I am feeling today. We had another 5:00 a.m. session this morning. He had all of my kids up listening to him. Its very bad that he is involving them. I really have to do something soon. I know what I need to do but as you say its probably going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. But I am reaching out for help because I know I can't do it on my own. I can't fix him, although sometimes I think that I am not trying hard enough (guilt) and I can't put myself and my kids through this time after time especially since its getting more and more frequent.
I was searching for answers about what was going on with our relationship and validation of my feelings when I came to this board and I sure found both here. I now know what has been going on for all these years. So now I know what I must do. Besides educating myself here I have finally gotten the courage to call the dv in my area and a very nice counselor agreed to come to me because I was too afraid to go to her office for fear he might find out. I haven't even told her my name yet but at least I am talking to her working out what I can do. I also bought Lundy's book which I have to read on a limited basis but I have hope that reading it will help me to cope and understand my husband better.
Since you asked about the $15,000, I will tell you that I postponed borrowing it for as long as I could but he was so threatening that I had no choice. I had to lie and say their computer broke down and it was delayed going out. He has turned me into such a liar which he always accuses me of. But I am trying to answer his 'questions' in the least provoking way and even when I tell him the truth he still accuses me of lying. I'm not even sure I know what the truth is anymore. Thanks for listening. I will keep everyone updated and hope that someday soon I have good news to report- that my kids and I are living in peace for the first time in a very long time.
I just got done with "Why Does He Do That". I felt so much better after I read it as some of the conversations shown in the book. I have had with my ex. My ex was having more and more frequent episodes before I left too and that factored into the final decision to leave as I just could not have my baby and bring him home to that.
That's great the counselor will come to you. I have been in counseling at the local DV shelter for 6mths and things are finally starting to seem a little better. I had a lot to vent about(prego hormones and the verbal abuse). Make sure you know all the services that are available at the local DV shelter. They really offer tons of stuff and they are low(sliding scale) or no cost.
Stuckmom,
You seem to live day to day and moment to moment... waiting on HIS moood and HIS emotions - taking whatever he feels like dishing out to you.
Have you considered leaving? Aside from fantasizing about it when things are more bad than usual (and they sound bad all the time, honestly)... have you really thought about leaving?
Do you WANT to leave?
Oh boy do I want to leave. I'm not sure which I am more afraid of...leaving or staying right now. I have been married to him for 27 years. As camult who had been married the same amount to her husband has said about her situation, he has been getting worse over the last couple of years. He is very threatening. And then there is the conditioning. I am so trained in my thought process that it is going to be very hard to get away without a tremendous amount of guilt and fear and anguish. I am going to need some strong counseling to get me through. I already know that I can have no contact, but what I don't know for sure is just what he will do when he finds me gone. I know his reaction will be violent. Will he do something to himself? Break every single object in the house, maybe. Go berserk and terrify my kids? I don't trust him alone with my kids - not physical harm - but I can hear him brainwashing them already. I have to consider these things for my kids sake, at least.
As I said in my earlier post, I have finally called a dv counselor who has come to me so I don't have to worry about him finding out. He has those kind of connections through the work he does. And I have bought Lundy Bancroft's book which I have to read a little at a time at work. So I am taking steps, baby steps, but something.
How did you get out?
Hmmmmm.... Stuckmom....
the last sentense of your post kinda struck home... how do you get out.
Well, you know... what you do is you find some place where you and the kids can stay. This might be a trusted relative or a friend's house, or a shelter.... it can be anything, really. It doesn't really matter, when it comes down to it, the idea is to get away from a guy who's not right for you, a guy who makes life hell... who needs that.
So, what you do is figure out where you can go, then you go.
Know what? In a way it's totally simple --- you just leave. You pack up your stuff and the kid's stuff and you leave. Easy as pie.
Thing is, you have to decide in your head that staying with this guy is like looking to the lowest of the lows, the worst of the worst, the most lamest of the lame... that he's not the type of man who is worthy of a woman like you.
If you think so, if you think that he's scum, that he's just put you all through way too much crap, then you leave.
Funny thing is, everyone who know's you would be so happy/jealous you did... so many women stay with crappy guys because they feel like having "some" guy is better than none... "wow, she actually did it!".... how empowering is that! Everyone will know that you are not a woman who takes kindly to being mistreated....!!! This will set the stage for your future... You will be known as a girl who takes no crap.
But you know, when your kids get older and everything passes, they're gonna think really great things about mom because she left a guy who was mean. Nobody likes a mean guy. Some people, no matter how much they whine.... well, they aint' good enough.
You sound like a woman who is worth "good enough"... For you to leave this idiot would be such a milestone, such a feather in your cap, and such a cool thing to do...
Your kids will have kids and they'll all tell the story about how mom left the a$$hole and moved on to a better life for everyone. And you know what? It may not be easier.... heck, life is hard enough... but it will be better! Who needs some moron taking them down and beating them up day after day.... your kids are going to be so in awe of you.
Thing is, though, you gotta do it. You have to leave him and not look back.
Think of it this way.... Have you ever known someone who has moved on to better things and you don't know *how* she did it? Well.... that's YOU!!!! You are the woman who can move on and make life better for everyone... what a power you have inside you... what respect you'll feel.
Sometimes, dear, when we're with a guy who sucks, we think it's a good thing to be a martyr and stay... we hope it'll get better...even when we know it won't.
But see, when you leave, and when you stick up for yourself, the feelings you have inside will rise and make you feel so good! Surely you know women who have left bad situations with some guy... all of us have...
They beauty in leaving is that every generation below you knows that you were not a woman to be messed with. They will always tell stories about how great you were and they will you use as an example to the young girls who think that crap is all they are worth.
You're not worth crap. You're not worth having the worst guy ever. I know this. You are worth so much more.... you may find a better man or you may choose to stay single... either way, you have made good choices - the main one being to get out from under some idiot. These men embarass themselves! Look at how they act! For heaven's sake, I would be embarassed to no end to watch some man I'm with act in such ways... geez, the man I sleep with acts like such an idiot - how embarassing!
So now you're job is to show everyone that no matter what, no matter what a pain in the butt life can be, that you are worth more than having some crappy guy around. No penis is worth this kind of treatment. Who cares? He's just a man with a penis, just like all the rest... no big deal. There are many fishies in the sea.
There you go! You can do this! It sounds like it sucks but it really doesn't... We've all seen those movies on TV and heard stories of women who have left bad men. I've done it and a lot of women have, too.
Heck, in the 1890's my aunt left an abusive guy.... to this day I know about her... 100 year's later I know that my aunt Mary left a guy who didn't treat her right all the time.
My aunt had balls... She had balls even back then when life was REALLY hard,... before plumbing and before credit ratings... she knew that a bad guy was just a bad guy, no matter what he said. So she split and left him in the dust. Everyone in my family since has talked about Aunt Mary as if she were a God... she's a woman that sets the example for all of us little girls who came after her.
I'm nearly 40 years old and I respect her. I figure that if she can do it, surely I can.
So.... poo on him! I want you to be an old lady knowing that you did the right thing buy your kids and that you kicked butt.
No fear, honey. There's nothing to fear. You have so much that you don't know and so much that you've left dormant because of choosing an idiot man to be with. Ain't no penis who is worth this type of toil. Become the woman you envy. Be someone you want to be. Be someone others talk about because they want your backbone.
Be the woman you will be jealous of. Leave him and don't look back.
Your children will respect you for it for generations to come!
My best to you, darling,
Elyse