crazymaking

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
crazymaking
10
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 3:59pm

Hello ladies,
I just need an ear to listen --somehow I am too humiliated to share this with anyone in my life. This is not my first time writing here but has been awhile. I first wrote back in in the winter/early spring. THat was after my bf (now ex as of last night)put his hands on my neck and gave it a go-as if trying to squeeze the life out of me.I definitely feared for my life at that moment -not to mention the pain of such extreme betrayal. I got much good advice to leave the jerk but like a lot of women in this situation, I felt sorry for him and his weakness, believed his 'I love you' sweet talk etc. Long story shorter...the day after Thanksgiving he was at my place. I don't remember what started the argument but he was getting my face, advancing toward me in a menacing way. This was not the first time and I had taken to coming back at him to show I was not about to cower. He apparently felt so threatened by this (as if I would hit him first--hardly)that he pushed me extremely hard. He claims he was trying to 'send a message' and thought I would land on the bed. I was too far from the bed for that to happen and fell, hitting my upperback on the end of the futon frame. This was painful but I simultaneously pulled something in my lower back. Its caused me some problem ever since -my back is still healing. I begged him to leave and told him he wasn't wanted there. I was so hurt becasue he had apparently been trying to be 'nicer' and had been for a couple of monthes...so the shattered trust made it all the more painful Can you believe we ended being intimate later. Truly sick.

Fast forward to last night. He hasn't worked in 2 years (had a stipend and went to grad school..but super broke)and today he started a job. Called at 9:30 insisting he needed money (I have given him several thousand over the last two years-some of it in response to manipulation or bullying). I live close by a 7/11 and we walked there. On the way he asked why I was walking so slowly and I dared to say 'my back hurts'. That was it. I should have said my foot hurt or something he would not take personally. He felt quite guilty over hurting me the other time. He went into a tirade..telling me I am a perpetual victim, that he didn't push me that hard and that I was lying. He said he would call my chiropracter for proof. He was yelling..WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM! in my face, top of his lungs. What is one to answer under those circumstances? I said 'you are, stop yelling at me, this is humiliating'. I started to turn and go...but now he needed 'his' money. I told him to wait outside and he refused. He has no sense of personal dignity...he is well educated but has no shame about such matters. After he 'extorted' the money, he lit in again outside the store. He pushed me. I told him to be a man for once and try NOT putting his hands on me. He started chasing me. I did call him a coward. It probably wasn't wise but it was true. He chased me more he grabbed me and put me up against an adjacent glass store front (truly feared he was going to throw me through it). My 'coward' remark was too much for him - how dare i 'disrespect him'? Of course, I don't deserve any respect--just him. He resorted to calling me a slut and letting out litany of complete lies about my supposed infidelities. Finally I crosseed the street-- telling him that he was the tiniest excuse for a non-man I had ever met, that he wasn't even a man. I should have kept my mouth shut but I had to do something. He was literally terrorizing me, chasing me around the 7/ll gas station. That was super humiliating for me- I mean how low do we have to go?. In the midst of it he said it was over and I can only hope that he meant that. We have (I have) broken up so many times and usually he just bogarts his way back in. He accuses me of not taking responsibility..but essentially he can't/wont take resp. or the fact that he actually injured me. He accuses me of pertual 'victim' mentality - I accuse him of being a perpetual victimizer. What man feels it is okay to chase the woman that he supposedly loves around like a rabid dog would? That is just what he behaved like. He is leaving for Iraq soon -- I don't want the worst for him but honestly at this point, I am grateful he is leaving. I can only hope the 'coward' remark was enough of an injury to keep him away form me. My other fear, which I am not giving much energy to, is that he may seek revenge on me because I publicly humiliated him with that remark. Anyway, just had to tell someone. Sorry this is a book but thanks for listening.

~upset in suburbia

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: butterflie69
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 4:41pm
I am sorry to hear what has happened to you. GOOD RIDDANCE! you dont need anyone who will do that to you. obviously he has some anger issues and probably anxious about going to Iraq. My husband went through alot of emotions before heading to iraq and he has been gone for 3 months now and we have fought everyday sonce he has left. It absolutely sucks and I really dont know how i feel about him. Before he left, he went through anger, resentment, sadness, denial, all the emotions that you can think of. Maybe thats what this guy id doing, unless he has always been like this, and if he has, then forget about him and move on. No man has a right to put his hands on you. Let me ask you a question, while all this was going on didnt anybody do anything to stop it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: butterflie69
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 4:48pm

Hi there,
thanks for your reply. One guy looked as if he might intervene, luckily or unluckily a lot of this took place a good distance from people. There were some around but not right in front of us. Yes, the army just suggested moving up his deployment date from Jan to this Friday! I am sure that did not help but unfortunately he has anger management problems ongoing and after he hurt my back I told him he never took that seriously (my insistence he attend). He went to one but cannot really afford more. I hope he will afford it one day for his one sake and the sake of any woman who unsuspectingly gets involved with him. I hate that he is going to a warzone because I am sure he will only return more aggressive than ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: butterflie69
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 5:01pm
Maybe, maybe not. he may get out all his frustration there. forget him and move on, you deserve to have someone that respects you and not one who wants to hurt you. that is not love. good luck to youfeel free to email me on the board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: butterflie69
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 12:39am

butterflie...it's extremely important that you educate yourself as to how abusers like him think because if you don't, you are going to be in for even worse than you've gotten so far.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: butterflie69
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 5:43pm

Sweetdreams,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for enlightening my perspective. Much of what you wrote resonates as true. He is definitely a male chauvinist. He grew up in the deep South (forgive me if this is stereotype?) and saw the women in his life do everything for him down to bringing him a glass of water etc. He definitely has set expectations of what a woman is supposed to and how she is supposed to behave. He is not into marriage but he espected marital treatment--for me to provide meals and cater to him, be intimate even if I stated I was not interested. He mentioned that many women won't deal with him because they wisely identify him as a chauvinist. The only other long term relationship he has had was 3 years in length (we were together 2)and I am sure it is not coincidental that both she and I have both experienced levels of sexual abuse growing up. I know I am very co-dependent which is one reason why I believe I haven't successly parted ways with him.
Funny thing is, he knows I deal with low self esteem and people taking advantage of me. The night before this last incident he said that is why it really upsets him when we have major problems (ie him laying his hands on me) --because he doesn't want to add to this problem for me. Oh - guess that sentiment was very short lived.

He has mentioned that he believes if people disrespect him that he needs to 'put them in their place' which usually means physically. At times he has hit me and mentioned that I needed to be put in my place. He definitely includes women in his equation and sees is as perfectly normal/justified'. He defintely doesn't apologize for this mindset.

In regard to what you say about reading up on safety and his possibly avenging himself...that is a concern. He has told me numberous times that if someone humiliates him or, excused the implied crudeness, 'puts their foot in his ___' that he will get revenge. It will tear him up until he gets it and his secret weapon is that he doesn't do it right away--he will wait a year even and then meet them on their turf and scare them to death or do whatever else he has planned (smart enough not to tell me that part). I think I am in a bit of denial about that part because I don't really know how to protect against that. This is why I am glad he is now working...hopefully he will be too busy to bother me and also that he is leaving the country for military service. Part of me, thinking of this, feels that maybe I should talk to him before he leaves to attempt some
smoothing over of things (help me out - super dumb idea?). Then again he may contact me ..likely. Usually after such a fight and time apart, he will call, yelling on the phone that he will come out to where I live and 'kick my...' if I don't tell him what is wrong. THis situation was so extreme (and public) that he may change his tactic.

You are right - I am lucky he didn't do something worse in response to my words (re: his being a coward). I was spouting off and not thinking. I even threatened to hit him and I so wanted to spit in his face when he called me a slut (I don't normally spit on anyone!) but I was sure he would have put me throught that window. Hopefully, he will see his attempts to control me and have me defer to him don't have long term prospects. Hopefully he will walk away. Perhaps I should buy pepper spray meantime.

~Butterflie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: butterflie69
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:20pm

Hey...I'm glad you didn't hit him or spit in his face, or it would have been worse for you, for sure.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: butterflie69
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:25pm

Hello sweetdreams,
thank you - yes, I am starting to do some reading. I am amazed at how widespread this problem really is. If it is rooted in chauvinism and it runs through all classes, races, occupations (my bf just got a masters in psychology of all things), then it makes one ask what we as a society are doing wrong in raising boys. This is a deep topic I am underequipped to answer but it is food for thought. It seems there needs to be a serious education campaign from homes, schools, churches etc to educate parents and kids on how to view each other and treat each other with respect. It does make me realize that I have to be very careful in the future who I involve myself with. But yes, right now, I am going to just try to learn what a normal relationship looks like so that one day I hopefully be able to be part of one. I have lost touch with that...I was somewhat of a feminist at one time but I really got drawn into the idea of the male 'leading' the house etc ( i was very religious before meeting my bf). I won't throw that out as biblical standard but I think for me it made it easier for me to accept some of his expectations, plus all my own issues on top..well, I feel a bit lost right now. Thanks for your advice and encouragement.

~butterflie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: butterflie69
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 10:56pm
Hey...there are several books out there that talk about what our society has done wrong in raising boys.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: butterflie69
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 9:12am

Hello again,
Just wanted to share some good news- my bf is now officially an ex! He called me this morning and I hestitated to pick up but did. Basically he assured me that he has no desire or need for revenge -I haven't crossed him that badly apparently. He has moved up his deployment date and will leave for Iraq soon- which I actually hate, but it will at least allow us a clean break. It was definitely good closure and reassuring to know I have no need to look over my shoulder anymore!

B

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: butterflie69
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:15pm

I'm sorry, butterflies, but I don't see any reason at all why you should believe what he tells you. He has established himself as a liar, an abuser, a coward and a vindictive person. So why base ANY of your actions on anything that he says?

Continue to be very careful of your personal safety. NEVER go to see him or let him come see you ever again. And start getting your mind set up for a zero tolerance policy. Have you heard the phrase before? It means that there are no second chances, the very first time a person lays hands on you or exhibits physical violence in your presence (like hitting walls or breaking an article in your home), you walk. You walk away and never speak to them again.

There are people who do not need a zero tolerance policy. But you have admitted that you put up with far too much from him and have some self-esteem issues. So like an alcoholic who cannot allow themselves even one dirnk, you cannot allow yourself to date a man who even lifts his hand in an angry way.