Creepy sex
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| Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:43pm |
I discovered about 1 year ago that my DH of 10 yrs was emotionally abusive. He agreed that he had anger issues and spent a lot of time in counselling. We are still married and have 3 small children. He has never admitted to being an abuser - just that he had a bad temper. From all the research I've done, he was a full blown abuser who was getting frighteningly close to violence. He is a much nicer man today. He has become much more the man I've always wanted him to be. He still has his moments, but I've learned not to be sucked in. Those moments still hurt and are extremely draining.
As for me, I think I've worked through alot too. I've forgiven him and taken responsiblility for my choosing to stay.
Now, to the "Creepy" part - I can't stand for him to touch me. Sex is the creepiest thing in the world. I feel sick during and after it. He expects me to have sex 2 times per week and asks for it even more often. Is he somehow using sex, now, as his control device? Or am I just not over the pain? Can you get over it enough to love him like that again? I know it's not my libido. And - finally- how do you tell someone who has made such progress that sex with him is "creepy"?
Please help!?

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Not really advice, but part of my story...
I divorced my husband after many years of emotional/verbal abuse. I had also gotten to the point of being repulsed by his touch, but felt it was my "duty" as his wife to give in. I also felt sick to my stomach and had literally thrown up a few times afterward.
Something my therapist told me (and my lawyer agreed), which I never realized and had a difficult time accepting, was that it was marital rape. I would say no, he would persist and wear me down, and I would give in.
Yes, that is part of the pattern of abuse and control. I am six years out of the marriage and can look back and really "see" what was going on.
Good luck to you.....
tills03- Thank you so much. The persistence/wearing me down, the sense of duty, and his use of the Bible and Pastor to make me feel even more guilt. It all just doesn't feel right! I believe in God and try to do what is right according to the Bible and the Church, which is probably why I've stayed so long. But after sex I feel so awful that I know that can't be what God wants.
I've seen statistics quoted on this message board about emotional abusers. Does anyone know where to find that information on the internet? I should have probably done all of this research a year ago when I discovered what was going on, but I just let him do all the work (therapy, etc.). I did some therapy, but the people I spoke to didn't seem to help me too much.
Dear anonmd,
Just do a search on the internet for "emotional abuse". There is a wealth of information there. One site that looks good is http://www.myndtalk.org/htm/abuse.htm .
Like you, I let my ex do the work and figured if he was fixing himself, then the marriage could be fixed. That was wrong. We also tried marriage counseling, but it was with his counselor, another mistake on my part. He could be very convincing and had her convinced that I was the one with the problem, so that was a useless endeavor. It was not until I sought out help for myself and developed the strength to leave the situation that I knew I would be alright.
I did not want a divorce, but it was a matter of self-preservation and I knew that I had done everything in my power to save my marriage. However, I was married to an abuser who refused to admit he was an abuser. He did admit to our children, my parents and me that he was an abuser, but now does not "remember" saying that (typical of him). I do have it in writing in two letters he wrote to me, which are now in my lawyer's possession.
It is past for me now and, even though my lifestyle has totally changed, it was a changed I embraced and welcomed. I am six years out and never been happier.
Oh, and sadly, when I turned to my church for help, they turned their back on me so church is not part of my life any longer, even though I remain spiritual.
My thoughts are with you.
Hello,
sorry its taken me so long to write. I can only write when I'm at work and since I gave my notice and today is my last day here, I have been super busy.
I am not sure how to respond to your question of why I stay because I don't know why. I honestly think I hate him. He's so mean to me at times and yet can be so nice. Even when he's nice, I don't care for him. I jump down his throat all the time and I'm just tired of fighting with him. He told me yesterday when we got in an argument that I seemed happy when he called me at work (he's unemployed again and has been for three months) and wanted to know if I had been "felt up" at my goodbye lunch. Then he said that I don't deserve my new job and that all I think of is myself.
Its not what I want either, but I haven't done anythign ot change it. By that I mean, I still go home every night, make dinner, do laundry and evrything I'm supose to. Oh yes, yesterday I even got yelled at becuase I never work in the yard, he does. Of coruse, he never scrubs out the bathrooms, does dishes or keep a job but yeah, I shoudl do the lawn also.
Just wanted to agree with you OUT LOUD, anonmd.
when I saw the heading of this post, I thought someone else maybe had the same problem as me. My husband and I have been going through a lot of $#@%, which I have posted about on "toxic realtionships". One thing I havent discussed with anyone though, is my husbands obsession with anal sex. It started a couple of years ago (though he says he was always interested in it but never said anything). He insists it has nothing to do with being gay because he only wants to do it with a woman. he also says that a lot of people do it and like it. I agreed to let him try if it was so important to him, but I knew that he was way too big to get in there anyway (which he is so he couldnt really do it). I thought he might try a couple of times and thats it, he wouldnt want to bother trying anymore. well instead, it has gotten to where that is the ONLY kind of sex he wants. I told him I don't like it and dont want him going there anymore, so now we have hardly done anything in months (regular intercourse 2 times, once because I initiated). He says he doesnt need sex and whenever I mention it he says I'M obsessed with sex!!
I know I should divorce this man, but it is hard when you have a house and kids. hopefully, the counseling will help me.
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