Creepy sex
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| Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:43pm |
I discovered about 1 year ago that my DH of 10 yrs was emotionally abusive. He agreed that he had anger issues and spent a lot of time in counselling. We are still married and have 3 small children. He has never admitted to being an abuser - just that he had a bad temper. From all the research I've done, he was a full blown abuser who was getting frighteningly close to violence. He is a much nicer man today. He has become much more the man I've always wanted him to be. He still has his moments, but I've learned not to be sucked in. Those moments still hurt and are extremely draining.
As for me, I think I've worked through alot too. I've forgiven him and taken responsiblility for my choosing to stay.
Now, to the "Creepy" part - I can't stand for him to touch me. Sex is the creepiest thing in the world. I feel sick during and after it. He expects me to have sex 2 times per week and asks for it even more often. Is he somehow using sex, now, as his control device? Or am I just not over the pain? Can you get over it enough to love him like that again? I know it's not my libido. And - finally- how do you tell someone who has made such progress that sex with him is "creepy"?
Please help!?

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I'm sorry for what your going through. My husband never really wanted sex too often until after I was pregnant with our third child. Then he decided he needed it at least 2 times a week. Here I am, a stay at home mom with three little kids - exhausted to say the least, emotionally abused - not recieving any support & made to feel worthless, and having had a husband who really didn't want sex when I had in the past. NOW HE WANTS SEX. And like you, he no longer wants regular sex (which I must say is difficult enough for me to handle, emotionally), but he wants toys and multiple orgasms, and yes, he even anal sex. As far as that goes, I told him that I couldn't understand why, if he had the proper spot to put it in, he would want to put it in someplace else?!!!
I agree with the other posts, it's just another attempt at control. I think it is also an obsession in the case of my husband. He has started locking the doors to his office while he's on the computer. I catch him watching (MUTED) soft porn on cable in the middle of the night. And then he uses the church and the Bible to convience me that I HAVE to have sex with him. I should leave too. I've been thinking alot about it. But it's hard to choose to leave when I have to uproot 3 small kids, sell a house, go back to work, and then figure out how to be a single mother. If someone would drop a wad of cash on me I'd leave in a heartbeat, but in reality, will life really be easier if I go?
Hopefully counselling will work for us too.
Hi anonmd,
I experienced the same thing with my husband. He was very abusive during the first several years of our marriage, and our sex life never recovered from that. Even though he realized that he had scared me and tried to change over the years, and actually did make a little progress, I found that I no longer desired him. After almost seven years of waiting for that "lovin' feeling" to come back, I left him, and I'm so glad I did!!
I stayed with him so long because we felt comfortable together, because we loved each other, because we'd experienced so much together, and had bought a house together, but we were as distant from each other as Earth is from Mars, and we'd been very depressed for a very long time. We both feel a tremendous relief now because we're not trying to recapture something that is so far gone and not retrievable. We no longer feel guilt. We no longer feel depressed.
Because I so was desperate for some real physical and emotional attention, some real passion, I had an affair with a man who, unfortunately, turned out to be much more abusive than my husband. If I'd left my husband years ago, I seriously doubt I'd have gotten involved with that other man. I wouldn't have been so vulnerable.
When I began to feel physically ill after sex with my husband, I realized that I had to end the marriage. It's perfectly normal to no longer desire a man who has been mean to you.
I'm a much stronger person now than I was a year ago. It takes a lot of work, and you have to shed some of your preconceptions of what life is "supposed" to be like, but you can find happiness and strength again. And you can have a great sex life again!
I haven't posted anything on this board in almost a year, when my H and I had our "last episode," which I don't feel like rehashing here and now.
This thread really speaks to me, because the extent of my H's "abusive" behavior was related to sex. He has spent 4 years in therapy and finally gotten at the root of what caused him to need this kind of physical validation. He has further gotten to a point that he knows he doesn't "need" to have sex and that it's not my job to do this for him. If we start having sex and I get "creeped out" he'll stop. We have both done a TON of work to save this marriage, for various reasons.
Despite all of his progress, and the fact that I adore this man - else I wouldn't have stayed around and worked on this issue, the fact that we have beautiful children and a wonderful life together, he's my running buddy and best friend, we share everything - I still would rather not have sex with him. Well, let me rephase, I'd rather not have sex with anyone. I think I'd be okay if I never did it again.
I totally understand the issues that caused my H to act out and I believe that he's got them under control - haven't seen hide nor hair of this behavior in a very long time, long enough to feel comfortable that he's truly done and learned his lesson and gets it. He's not just trying to change his behavior - he understands what triggers it, where it comes from and how it causes me harm. We have talked about this until we're blue in the face.
I wish there was a way to fix this. I spoke to my OBGYN at my recent annual appointment. Why isn't there some libido-boosting pill I can take? I forgive him. I understand why he behaved the way he did. He has apologized profusely and taken steps to fix it. I'm so tired of being held hostage by this past behavior. I want to enjoy my H and my marriage as it is TODAY. I want him to know how much I appreciate the fact that he's spent 4 years going to therapy one morning a week at 7:00 a.m. before work. That's a tremendous commitment, especially for a guy. I want to enjoy the physical intimacy - we have plenty of emotional intimacy. I pray that our physical intimacy is restored some day, but even if it isn't, I wouldn't end my marriage over this and neither would he.
Thanks for raising this sensitive topic. Love, Mo.
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