Cry, Cry, Cry, Cry...sorry, long, vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Cry, Cry, Cry, Cry...sorry, long, vent
4
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:21pm
What is wrong with me? I know I need to leave. I know he's not going to change. Why do I keep trying to hold onto that thread of hope that he really does mean he is going to change this time, that he really is sorry and realizes what he did wrong and won't do it again. I went through this all again with him yesterday, told him that even though he realized what he has done in the past is wrong, what is he going to do next. He says he has not been abusive the past couple of weeks, that he has really been trying. I see him trying in other ways, helping keep up the house, doing his own laundry, etc. but, when I say what I think, or talk about how I feel, it's the same old shutdown or putdown, or scaredown. I tell him that and he doesn't get it. He says, I know that choking you, holding the golf club over the car and the knife thing were wrong, why can't you believe I won't do that again. I tell him I do believe that he won't do "that" again, but, I worry about what he will do next. I said I am done. I told him I can't do it anymore, that no matter how much I want to believe him, I can't. So, I tell him that, and then what do I do but sit here and cry my a** off all day while he is at work. Last night he said he didn't understand what I meant when I said that he "tried to make me feel sorry for him". So, today as I was working from home, he sat on the loveseat and stared at our wedding pictures on the wall. I know it's a ploy, but, I feel sooooooo bad. I really don't know how I am going to get through this while living in this house. I don't want to disrupt my son's life by going to live with a friend who has a two bedroom apartment and a child of her own. Man, I just wish this could be over today........ I hate hurting people.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 8:10pm

Babe, you are not the one doing the hurting, he is.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 2:13pm
Thank you so much for your support. I have these mini-meltdowns about every other week now...... I know it will get better once I'm living somewhere else. It's just hard to see him every day still, hard to start the "grieving" process when I'm still in the thick of it. I went into work today and finished up filling out the divorce paperwork, so, not sure how long I will sit on that before I actually file it..... I just need to keep convincing myself I'm doing what is right, even on those days when I'm totally crashing. Thanks again, I appreciate it so much. I haven't cried yet today:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 1:27pm

Hey Honey, big ((((hugs)))). Yeah, they're good at inspiring sympathy, eh? I know my H can do it; I remember my father doing it my entire life. They act like the biggest jerks in the world, but somehow manage to get this pitiful look about them like a little puppy and we wind up feeling like we're being evil by being angry - even when the anger is totally appropriate.

He's managed to make you believe that YOU'RE the one causing disruption. You're not. HE is. Your son will be fine. Kids are so resilient. Do what you have to do for yourself.

My H, too, tries to earn points by doing extra housework, buying me stuff, etc. so that when he has his next "episode" maybe I won't be so angry. I don't know. I'm so freakin' confused. He's been on his very, very best behavior since he moved back in about 2 months and we're enjoying watching football together and running and the house is coming together and looking wonderful and I'm actually getting some SLEEP! - which I didn't when he was living with his friend because someone needs to get up with my DS8 several times per night.

The good thing for me is that H travels ALOT on business. In fact, he's gone all this week. Gives me a chance to regroup alittle.

Good luck to you, honey. Hang in there. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 7:48pm
Thank you. My H works shift work, rotates between days, nights and overnights every week. So, I have alot of time on my own also as I work primarily straight days. It's just that it doesn't take a "lot" of time for me to look at him and feel guilty. I want to believe he isn't trying to make me feel guilty, today he actually told me that I will be much happier and become the person I was before I met him once we are separated. He says he knows I wasn't happy with him from day one, which so isn't true or I wouldn't have married the guy. Anyhow, I still feel like fungus...... I had one of my stupid meltdowns at work today and had to come home early. I'm such a mess..... Anyhow, thanks for your words. I guess words for all of us to live by are Day by Day....