Cutting off Ties - Thanks all

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Cutting off Ties - Thanks all
8
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:27am

Thank you everyone that replied to my post. When my ex called today I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him again. The first thing he said was “who have you been talking to.” There was a lot of begging, claims that he would change, accusing me of not caring or loving him, even a threat to kill himself. I stood firm though, which was really difficult, but I think all of my responses to his comments were smart and left no room for doubt in his mind that it was over. The funny thing is, he asked me if I thought he was being abusive. I never accused him of being abusive towards me, the word came out of his mouth first. Perhaps a guilty conscience?

But he is very persistent and I wasn’t surprised to hear from my mother that he had called when I was at work, not six hours after our last conversation. I had already told her that I wasn’t talking to him and I didn’t want her to give me any messages from him, though I did not say why. I usually tell my mother everything but I still feel kind of stupid for not doing this earlier.

I know he will probably try to contact me again, even though I told if he truly loved me he wouldn’t. I told him I didn’t want any phone calls, visits, emails, letters, gifts, not even birthday cards. I hope he wasn’t encouraged when I told him I wasn’t going to throw away the pictures of us or letters he had written. Maybe I should have said yes?

I don’t think I need an Order of Protection, cl-wishful. I didn’t know what that was but I looked it up and it’s like a restraining order isn’t it? He lives 2,000 miles away and is broke so I’m not worried about him coming after me. I don’t think I need counseling either, but I did read the webpages you provided and found them very helpful. I printed out one of the checklists that I could find I said ‘yes, that’s him, he does that’ and wrote down the experience so I could look at that page when I started feeling my resolve to not speak with him slip.

Jbpintolady, thank you for your comments also. I never thought about that saying “how a man treats his mother is a good indication of how he will treat his girlfriend/wife.” When I first met him and he told me stories of his mother and how she threw him out of the house and never bothered to visit him while he was in a group home, I hated her. It made me want to take care of him, like that would make up for his childhood. As I was talking to him, I remembered that he had told me he had hit or pushed his sister or mother once and they called the police on him. So I asked him if he ever hit a woman before. He said no, and I told him what I thought I remembered and he said “pushing is a lot different than hitting”, trying to make it sound less harsh or even excuse it. I just had to laugh.

Anyway, thank you all for replying to my post so quickly and for all the information. I soaked it up like a sponge. The more I read the more I felt like I was doing the right thing by cutting ties with my ex, I just hope that feeling lasts a long long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 7:12am
You ARE doing the right thing by cutting ties with him.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:10am
I can TOTALLY relate to his having a crappy childhood & wanting to "take care of him" or "make up for it". & my STBX treats hsi mother HORRIBLY. Really pathetic & embarassing, he is SO mean to her. I think you are right in cutting off all ties. & i had to laugh about "who have you been talking to?" Ummmm, ***US*** !

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:54am

Just take it one day at a time. And remember.... YOU deserve something so much better then what he has to offer. And one day you'll find it. Don't settle for less then what you truly deserve!!!!

Hugs,

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:39am
I can second that!
And yup, I think he knows he's been rumbled.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 7:10pm
Thank you for the reassurance. I hope it doesn't turn into anything close to stalking and I'm thankful for the information you've provided. He has called me 34 times since the last time I posted and left three messages. I saved them on the answering machine just in case. They weren't threatening. He was just going on and on about how he couldn't ever not talk to me again, but how a break would be fine with him. He's got another thing coming. I reported the calling card he uses stolen so that might help stop the calls. If it doesn't, I guess I will have to consider changing my numbers but I hope it doesn't go that far. Thanks again for caring.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 7:22pm
A break would be fine with him but he's called you 34 times in a few hours?
I'd say you got out of this one just in time...
It's a good idea to keep the messages. If it carries on, I would recommend changing you number (I had to do this myself) but also report him for harassment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 7:55pm

Hi girly -


Calling you 34 times isn't normal, and given what he's said (He was just going on and on about how he couldn't ever not talk to me again, but how a break would be fine with him), THIS worries me.


I'm not getting good vibes off of him right now.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:04pm
I agree w/Blue on this one.
5yrssm