Daughter needs help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Daughter needs help
4
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:53am

It's been almost exactly a year since I first posted here about my daughter's abusive relationship. At that time she was moving across the country to live with the love of her life, a man whose violent, destructive behavior my husband and I had personally witnessed in our own home.

Apparently the last year has been a very rocky one. DD and boyfriend moved into a one-bedroom apartment with his parents, and she went to work to support everyone in the household. Boyfriend had a couple of short-term jobs that didn't suit him, so DD also had to pay for his cigarettes and marijuana. There were several separations and reconcilliations that I'm aware of, so I suspect there were in actuality a lot more. The verbal and emotional attacks against her never stopped, and she's only just beginning to admit there were physical confrontations as well. A few weeks ago she called to tell me she had had enough, it was over, and she wanted to come home for good. They had all gotten evicted, there was no money, and she was tired of trying to take care of people who had no ambition to take care of themselves.

She's been here about a week, and the day after arrived she discovered she's pregnant. Just when we thought the guy was out of our lives forever! She intends to keep the baby, so that being settled, where do we go from here? She sadly still has deep feelings for the boyfriend and is deeply depressed about the thought of going through the pregnancy, birth, and child rearing as a single mom.

Today the boyfriend's mother called her and put her son on the phone. He wants my daughter to give him another chance and promises everything will be different now. He didn't believe she would actually leave, and since she has he's had a wake-up call. He told her he wants to move out here just to be near her, so he can prove to her he's a different person and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She didn't divulge her pregnancy to him, and it's tearing her apart because she wants so much to go through this experience with the father of her baby.

I feel every inch as conflicted and confused as she is. My husband and I are clear that we do not want this person back in our house under any circumstances, and my daughter acknowledges that he is an abuser and she doesn't want to be a victim any longer. We know too that if/when he finds out about the child it will be his ticket back into both their lives permanently. It's tragic to us that he loved our daughter and looked forward to having a family with her one day, yet let everything fall apart this way.

What can I tell her? How can we support her through the next few months and beyond? Should her boyfriend be told, given the circumstances I've described?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:24am

Mommy, I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I hope your daughter discovers quickly how much joy there is in being a single parent. She is so wise and courageous to stay out of this hell - she is her baby's saviour.

As for the bio-donor, have her talk with a lawyer immediately. Find one who specializes in domestic abuse - a shelter can give her references and if money is a problem, see about applying for state aid. Often the courts will deny an abusive donor contact with the mother and maybe even contact with the child. He does not, morally, deserve to be an influence in this child, and the law may back that. She needs to know. If she wants protection she needs to let the courts know right now all that he did to her.

For now, know that not only is he pestering her, he has his mother working against her too. His mother is not a friend if she's doing this. My advice to your daughter would be to cut all contact with her as well. (I'm saying that with a pain in my chest, because I miss my XMIL. I'd rather have lost her friendship than not have taken the action I took to protect myself from her son.)

Take care - all of you, keep us posted. Mom, encourage your daughter to hop in and introduce herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:35am
In my honest opinion, she truly doesn't't need to be around someone who is strung out on drugs.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 12:55pm

Hi Tofu -


I'm glad to hear your DD is out and away from that guy, but I can see why you guys are all in a tizzy.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 2:07pm

Thank you all for your replies. I needed to hear some words of encouragement and knew I'd come to the right place! I will ask my daughter to have a look around the board too, as I'm sure it will give her strength.

My family is worried because she has had so many breaks with this man in the past and always ends up going back to him. Each time she left she was adamant about not going back, yet she did time and time again. This time she moved onto a neighbor's sofa for a couple of weeks and began making arrangements to fly home within the next few days, but the BF talked her into another short reconcilliation, which we now figure resulted in the pregnancy. During those few days that they were back together (and in the process of moving into a motel with the parents due to the eviction, etc.), the BF went off again, so my daughter got herself on a plane and flew back here.

She needs strong emotional support and direction or she's going to slip right back into his control again. I don't think she will avoid his phone calls, so I can sense everything about to unravel already. Once he finds out she's carrying his child our lives will never be the same, and I think that's the only reason she hasn't told him yet. I feel like I'm writing a soap opera! I know she envisions him becoming a different person overnight, and she believes he has the potential to be a wonderful father because this is something they talked often about and looked forward to together. I keep telling her that having a baby is not going to change who he is as a person, and the abuse will continue and extend eventually to the child. On the other hand, I wonder if this IS enough to change him and if I'm projecting my own fears and negative feelings onto her.

He's 28 and she's 23, so they aren't young teenagers who have the excuse of immaturity on their side. They are both very attractive, intelligent young people full of potential and promise, and one of them has chosen to destroy every chance they might have had for a happy, fulfilling life together. It really sucks.

She's applied for state health coverage to help with her care, and tomorrow we're going to Legal Aid to hopefully discuss her situation in detail with an attorney. I'll keep in touch and let you know how thing are going.