Dazed and Confused...........
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| Sat, 05-22-2004 - 7:46pm |
Things have come to head after he went to the DV session two weeks ago and professed to GET IT etc etc and has been playing Mr Nice Guy for weeks a few spats have broken nothing too major but last night takes the cake! The other day when we got into it he started getting sh**y because I wasn't answering his questions ..when I pointed out to him repeatedly that I had infact done so he then turned around and told me I hadn't answered them PROPERLY!! Hello since when do I need to justify my answers to a question thats a new low even for him .. actually come to think of it I do justify stuff to him like whenever I want him to do somthing he'll say why? and I'm like beacuse it needs to be done!!! so anyway I just told him he was being ridiculous to say the least. He told me later that he just meant that I wasn't being truthful to him and he could tell I was holding back ...gee I wonder why??? So I let that one slide because he is right I am holding back not that I have to tell him everything I'm thinking.
So he hasn't booked into the 12 week program which he was going to do and then last night we have been scating around the issue of us separating which he hates I keep asking him to give me time and space (don't touch me, tell me 'I love you'every two seconds, call honey etc etc) well everytime he does one of those things I ask him not to and some how its starts this bickering. So last night my sis comes over and things are fine she invites us over for a dinner party (she has no idea whats going on) and it got onto the subject of going out I pipe up and say I am hanging for a girls night out so we arrange it and she goes the night moves on I tell my H to remember next week (because I have to tell hime stuff four times before he remembers or doesn't) and the following week 'I'm going out by myself' so here we go we start back and forth about my wording and get this it ends up he wants me to admit that if he had said that to me I would be upset with him....I say if you have a problem with what I have said why can't you own those feelings and just say it...he would not back down until I admitted it would have annoyed me..oh and in the middle when I would'nt say what he wanted to hear he told me ..I am a f**ing idiot,if I was going to leave I would have by now, its all my fault anyway,I am the one with the problems.....so we finally let it go and watched a movie with our girls ( they where in the lounge and did not hear the argument)....or at least I didn't think so...
It gets worse my beautiful DD who is 10 came to say good night and after alot of proding opened up that she is afraid because we are fighting so much and she hates it (she also told us that she woke up the night my H lost it and punched holes in the door and I kicked him out) I am in shock I thought that she didn't know and she does I remember being a kid and hearing my parents at it and in the end just wishing they would break up...I know its going to really hurt her but I have to leave my H I have to break this cycle I don't want this for her in her life or my other daughter as much as they will not want our family to break up in the long run I think it will be better for them than the hurt from us together fighting or splitting .....I have to do this I have to stay strong PLEASE help me guys I need my hand held for this one I have to go through with it and not focus on all the what if's...........please help me....
thanks M

Big Hugs to you! He has not changed after two sessions and definitely doesn't "get it". My stbx (love calling him that!) has joined a program too. Well, after one session he claimed to have learned so much and why couldn't I see it. No, he really hasn't because he still does not see why I don't accept his professed change. No, he doesn't get it because he still has tried to bully me into doing things his way and getting aggravated when I assert my independent thoughts. He still can't accept that this is MY choice and no one else is influencing it. He still hasn't been totally honest in his group about his abuse. I found this out after the counselor FINALLY called me to hear my version and I quote, "Oh, he didn't tell me about that." No kidding Einstein!
You of course will hold back when arguing with him! I still do and he doesn't even live here anymore. I feel backed into a corner and like I am suffocating ever time I have to deal with him on some issue. That's due to the abusive history. You can't trust his reactions. Do you ever feel like you are fighting for control for your own life???
Your H is doing the same thing. He does not get it and probably won't. Even if he has a miraculous change the two of you now have a pattern of behavior established between the two of you. My personal feeling is that this makes it even more difficult to ever have a non-abusive relationship together. For your daughters sake leave.... they deserve to know that not all men are like this. They deserve to live without the fear of his behaviors. Leave for your sake because you deserve a better life and relationship. Reach out to your sister, family and friends. You may be surprised at the support you receive and how much this support helps.
Stay strong!! It is so hard but so worth it in the end! I promise you!
Also, read all you can on this board homepage, there are many good articles and links that can help you make sense of this and how to handle getting free from him and his abuse.
As far as him changing or even trying to change, which less than 1% do, he has already shown you that he is not going to even try. An abuser cannot be changed by just a 12 week course. An Abuser will not change his or her attitude by just going to a DV seminar.
The only way and even this is not something you can trust totally, is that they continue their own DV counseling for life. Abuse is a choice to hold power and control over others. They will go to seminars, alittle counseling, come home and tell us how they've changed and some will even go into a "Honeymoon" period to lull us into believing that they are trying, they aren't.
To free yourself and give you and your daughter a life free of abuse you will have to get away from your H or it will continue to roller-coaster between him being nice and him escalating the abuse. It is dangerous to confront an abuser and think that they will listen and think about what they are doing, they couldn't care less. The more you talk to him about it, the more you want him to seek help the more he is going to use this to make it worse. When we confront abusers they know that the level of abuse is not enough to get us to submit. So what happens is that the abuse escalates until they find the level needed for us to once again give in. You and your daughter do not need to live in this condition.
Through the shelters find abuse counseling for yourself and they should be able to find abuse counseling for your DD as well. Make sure that any counselor you see for you or your daughter are trained in abuse, not general therapists. Unless they are specifically trained in abuse most will follow the family counseling route and try to see how to fix the marriage, in abuse cases this is improper and potentially dangerous. You need to get away from him, not sit and tell a therapist in front of him what is going on as all this does is tell your abuser how to make it worse.
If you cannot find a local shelter, call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, this number and more are also on this boards homepage. Ask them to help you find shelter resources in your area.
Keep posting, asking and venting here as there is a world-wide community of wonderful people who are where you are, are just finding freedom and those of us who have been free of abuse for years. You are no longer alone in this battle, you have found a wonderful bunch of people with like lives. Also, if you can safely, join us on Sunday Evenings at 7pm EDT for a two hour live chat with alot of us here. It is a quick way to get alot of feedback from many views.
Hugs and I hope you and your daughter find safety and freedom soon!
I have told my H I am leaving I can't talk right now I will update later
thanks again!
M
Take care of yourself & your kids.