Dealing and Healing
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| Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:34am |
One thing is for sure, irregardless of what you think, this is not our fault. Abusive treatment is so ingrained in the person doing the abuse, they do not even know or care what effects of their behavior is. Everyone else is just suppose to deal with it. Here are some theories surrounding this common problem.
1. Because it works. The person has always gotten what they want by debasing, or manipulating other people. This is just a sign of weakness on their part.
2. This is how they are raised, and to some degree, is acceptable behavior.
3. Communication skills are lacking. Just like the two year old who can communicate what they want, and they go hitting other children. Same thing here. No wonder most abuse is caused by men.
4. Low Self Esteem. The abuser knows they are not very intelligent, (at least in some areas) and feels that if you knew the real person, you would not be with them. So they resort to manipulative behavior, guilt, etc... not really realizing that you aware of what they are doing, but are not sure how to handle it. Ever notice how the abuser never admits to wrongdoing? The blame is always on someone else? He is always deflecting the responsibility to you?? (ie, you made me do this to you!!)
A mature person, and someone who had self confidence and self esteem, would just come clean, and resort to persuasion, not manipulation. When you are persuading someone, you are showing all your cards, and letting the person make an informed decision based on facts. When you manipulate, you distort the truth, in the hopes of getting the person to do something that they would not ordinarily do. That is the difference between an abuser, and a partner who really cares.
5. Direct one up manship, and the need to conquer.
6. They feel the need to make you feel bad about yourself. As Oprah would say, this is the person who actually calculates out by the after tax penny, the amount of the your raise you actually keep, saying things like, "this amounts out to a cup of coffee!!)

Hi Tammy -
I believe that the reason people all over the world have similar experiences with abuse is attributable to the lowest common denominator.
CL-Blueliner4