Dealing with Control

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Dealing with Control
3
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 2:13pm
I don't know where else to go to post this, other than I've been here before so I need some help. My quick story....moved out four months ago. DD has been staying with me lately more than H. He's a control freak....tries to control her, controlled me and that's why I left after 25 years. She will be 15 in October. I have a life now; he doesn't. He's angry, bitter, vindictive, etc. He says when she's with me, I CAN'T leave her by herself because she's afraid. I live in an apt. that has a security door to get in, dead bolt on my door, plus lock on doorknob. She is somewhat apprehensive and I've tried to talk to her about this and let her know she's safe. He says I'm not to go anywhere when she's with me. There's that control issue. My feeling is she's going on 15. She needs to deal with her fears. She's safe here. If I do make plans to do something, I'll let someone stay here with her so she's not alone. He says that's me being selfish because I want to do something, and I don't do this often. Then when she's with him, he won't go anywhere because, again, she's afraid to be alone. So he says he doesn't have a life and can't go anywhere because he has to stay with her. He lives in the country...a safe countryside, with very family neighbors that we know and trust. Then he gets mad, angry when she is with me because I let her go out in the neighborhood with other kids to play jail break (which is in the dark), etc., or I let her sit outside on the step and talk to her friends, or they come up here (some are boys and they're all friends)and they watch movies. He says I'm creating a monster because then when she's with him, there's nothing to do (because it's out in the country). He won't go pick up her friends like I do. He picks and choses which friends she can have spend the night. As long as he likes them, it's okay. Last week she watched a movie with two of her friends (both boys; not "boyfriends") in my livingroom in my small apartment. They're good kids. I'm not stupid! I was right there in my bedroom 15 steps away. They watched the movie and then the boys left. The movie wasn't over until 1:00. This wasn't acceptable to him. He told me that she was going to end up getting pregnant because I let her do all these things. For goodness sake, she's going to be 15! I trust my DD. She knows what's right and what's wrong. She has some junior in high school that likes her that she won't even like because "he's too old and too experienced!" She's in nineth grade. I can understand her. She has a good head on her shoulders

Am I supposed to not go anywhere because she's with me? Isn't it my choice to do what I want to do and be in charge of my DD when she's with me?

She's already admitted she'd live with me if I lived in a house or duplex or condo. I have a lease until May and then I'm out of here. He claims he's being a parent and I'm not, that I'm selfish. I discipline my DD; I just don't try to control her and I try to guide her in the right direction. She's 15; not 6. Am I wrong? Do I need to post this somewhere else? Please give me your opinions whatever they may be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 5:35pm
From your post it seems you and your DD's father share entirely too much information about what is going on in each other's relationship with DD while at your respective homes. Who is feeding him all the information that he's getting so upset about? Is it you? If so, why? Who was there, how late they stayed, what they did. It's your house. The details you talk about in your post are none of his business. You don't report to him.

Just as it's really none of your business that he believes he doesn't have a life and can't go anywhere because he has to stay with her. It's his house and his choices. He does not report to you. It seems he's using your daughter, trying for either the 'awe that martyrs inspire' or a 'Boo Hoo, poor baby' route for you on the guilt-trip-express. I've seen it before. If he had a gf you bet he'd be out with her, leaving your DD behind, without hesitation.

You two are no longer together. He is to have his own relationship with his daughter. It should not include you and you are not in any way responsible for their realationship in any way. The two of them must work it out (or not) independent of you. Likewise, you are to have a relationship with your daughter that does not include him. You two adults, as a single entity "the folks", is a thing of the past.

He will only try to control what kind of relationship you have with your DD as long as you let him be a part of it. You do not have to answer to him anymore. It's up to you to TAKE back the control because, guys like him don't give it willingly. Institute NO CONTACT. Use email only. Only discuss pick up and drop off times and places. That's all that's required between you two. Stop the narrative discussions about your feelings and his feelings - he's lost the privledge of knowing yours and you don't owe him your ear. Basic day to day decisions are the sole responsiblity of the parent with the access at the time. (Unless, depending on custody, it's a *MAJOR* health, education or religion decision) I strongly suggest, since you're already physically separated, it's time to put some serious work into the emotional separation and cut off the connection. Counseling can help you with that.

I happen to think you are absolutely right in the way you are handling your DD and her social situations. As her mother, you know what she is capable of handling and would not put her in a position that will be over her head. He doesn't have to agree with you and you need to accept that he never will. Stop trying to justify yourself to him or get his approval. You don't need it. You're doing great. You are obviously very wise - you left him, didn't you?

She doesn't seem that afraid if she wants to play outside after dark and she's complaining about being housebound while with him. His statments contradict themselves. I think he's either manufacturing this fear or, at the very least, feeding her insecurity because, that's exactly what these control-freak types do. You must know that from living with him.

Now, if all this information is being exchanged by your DD, she needs to understand the separateness of the two households and respect your right to privacy. She should not be in the middle of this. Has she had any counseling to help her cope with all this? It's never a bad idea.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 7:29am
Susan is absolutely right. What goes on in your house/apt is your business. You two are no longer together. Remember though, it has only been 4 months since you left. Give yourself time. Shaking off that remote control after 25 years is VERY hard. I was married for 27 years,have been away from old Wendell 10 months and it took a long time to break that remote.

Ironically, our story is almost opposite. I live in the country and he lives in town. My son is 16. Old Wendell is so arrogant, that he refuses to believe his children do anything wrong. I found out about a couple things that were going on and he just absolutely refused to believe it. Your X is going to be the same. It's his world that is right and only his. In or out of town.

Don't change your living accomodations to please your daughter or him. Remember, your daughter learned how to use that remote too. Live where you want and what you can afford.

Your daughter needs to see you both as two different individuals now more than ever so she can work out why you guys split up. She needs to know that in your home you allow what you want to go on and it is none of his business. She is getting ready to blossom and venturing out into her world. How you want to deal with it is none of his business. At 15, she should be able to feed herself and turn on the TV if you happen to want to go some where for a while.

Oh well, my 2 cents. I know you will do what is right for you and remember what he things doesn't matter.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 3:52pm
To you and Susan, thanks for the advice. However, my DD seems to think that if she doesn't tell her father everything, she's being deceitful or lying when he ask. He'll continue to ask because he's an ass, claiming he's not putting her in the middle. I on the other hand could care less what he does in his life. My only concern is when he gets in his irate/anger/bitter/vindictive mode around my DD, and she in turn hurts. That hurts me. I've been looking for counselors in the area for her to see. She needs to come to terms with the divorce/separation and the no longer "folks" scene.

He, on the other hand, makes the comments "it's his daughter too and he should know what is going on." I'm stupid, still playing the remote game, and feel that he is her father and should know?????? Which leads to quarrels....etc. So maybe he shouldn't know. I AM a responsible adult/mother that knows best. Why does he need to know? I think I just answered my own question.

As far as email....he has none. My contact with him since Saturday has been limited to yes/no answers. Our divorce will cover a required parenting class. Maybe that will help him.

Thanks for your 2 cents and I'll continue to try.