Dealing with it all
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| Sun, 10-23-2005 - 10:25am |
I haven't posted in quite awhile....maybe six weeks. I've started to a couple of times and then just didn't have the energy to write it all down. I turned it inwards for a little while and sank into a bit of what I call my "reflective depression" because I was very aware that I somehow needed to work through something at that moment, rather then declare myself in need of medication or fear that I would slip further. *sigh* Here is the last six weeks of my life:
I think I'll start current and work backwards. My baby is due any day. I'm still working and will work right up to the moment that he is born. Although I live in Canada and will have access to the one year maternity leave, I am not going to be able to access it, because I cannot afford to. I will only receive 55% of my wages from my government job and I will not be able to work at my private practice at all. According to the government, every cent I make will be deducted dollar for dollar from my unemployment cheque. It really makes me angry, because I make more money at my private practice then I do at my full-time government job! So I have a plan. My oldest daughter, who is 22 years old (I had her when I was 17) is graduating from university in December. Her fiance doesn't graduate until May 2006, at which time they plan to move to the Northwest Territories where he has got a teaching job. They are going to move in with me November 1. I'll stay home with the baby until Britt has graduated Dec 6. I'm going back to work and she is going to take care of baby until May. I will still be able to breastfeed, as she is going to bring him to me throughout the day. She is in the midst of her own baby hunger right now (she is getting married to the nicest man!!) but has to wait until they come back to civilized Canada in two years. So she is ecstatic about watching her baby brother and I won't have to worry at all.
As for my STBXH I have listened to the advice on this board and absolutely had ZERO contact. It has brought out a lot of emotions in me. First of all, it was easy to keep the "no contact" because the police gave him a "no contact" order until November 8, when he appears in court to plead guilty or not guilty. Also, our last conversation, which took place approx. 6 weeks ago, was insane. We were talking on the phone, he was at work. Things have not been going well for him at work the last couple of years. I don't know all the details, but it seems that some of the guys that he works with (he works in a power plant as an engineer) have complained that he is unapproachable, intimidating and is non-compliant. He was put on probation about a year ago and of course this made him less then happy. So fast forward to this conversation that we had six weeks ago. He was complaining about the way they treat him at work. I said, "what are you going to do if you get fired." He very calmly stated, "I will f--king kill them all." I said "what??" and he repeated it. There was a long silence on the phone for about 5 minutes, nobody said a thing!!! My mind was swirling and I was off in another world. Without saying another word, I hung up. I swear to God, it was at least 5 minutes AFTER he said it...there was total silence! The next day it bothered me and bothered me. I had just finished reading "The Gift of Fear" (excellent book by the way) and I called the police officer that has been helping me since all of this happened. I told him what happened and he said he would transfer it to the other jurisdiction. A couple of days later a man from corporate security of the place that my STBXH works at called me and wanted to know what had happened. I told him every thing. Mainly he wanted to know, "do you think he is CAPABLE of doing something like this?" Yes! Yes, I do! He is crazy! Then the police drove all the way to my place (another city) and took a statement. They got a warrant to search his premises and seized 3 rifles (that the police mentioned were stored in the safest way that they have ever seen - what is that supposed to mean?) and a couple of days later, the corporate security guy called me and said "as of 45 minutes ago, your STBXH does not work here anymore." Then I went into my slump. I never felt like "GOOD, serves you right." I felt sad, very scared actually, and worried. In the last year this man has lost the right to see his 10 year old daughter from another marriage, his new wife, his new baby, and now his 120K/year job. He will never work in that field again. I went through a few weeks of guilt. I now know that this is not my fault. I knew it then, but I felt responsible for pushing it. I'm okay with all now, but I feel flat. I spent days and days crying and feeling very sad.
I was invited out for dinner with a woman that I barely know and she had brought along some of her other women friends. I didn't know any of them. We had a good time, it was nice to go out, but in the middle of dinner, one of the women (who knows nothing of my situation) asked, "have you ever been in love?" It totally shocked me. I didn't even have an answer for her. I think I mumbled something like "I like to think that I have been." For days I thought about her question and I reviewed all of my relationships and felt that no, I probably wasn't in love. Yet, when I think about my STBXH I realize that I did love him very much. I think I'm angry about that. How dare he treat me so badly when I loved him with all my heart. How dare he!!!
Just after I left (July 29) my STBXH had told me that anything I needed for the baby, he would buy. He said, "just give me a list and I'll get it." Well I finally broke down about two weeks ago and ordered some stuff from the catalogue that I absolutely need and had them call him to pay for it, then I would pick it up. A week later they called me back to tell me that he told them he would not pay for it and they sent it back!!! That really hurt and made me angry.
The baby we planned together is now my total responsibility. I will love this child and take good care of him, however, it still bothers me that I have to be a single mother AGAIN. I am not going to notify him in any way when this baby is born. What is the point.
I had a conversation with my mother in law a couple of weeks ago. She didn't know anything about me leaving and when I told her that I did, she started screaming at me about how it "takes two" (because I told her that her son is abusive) and that the baby probably isn't his because I "have children by different men" That really made me mad!!! I said "what makes you think that?" and she said "didn't you say that you had your son when you were 16 years old?" Well yes, but I got married before I even got pregnant and I stayed with my first husband until the youngest was 3 years old!!! What a stupid, ignorant woman she is!! I ended up hanging up on her. So there isn't anyone on that side of the family to notify when the baby comes.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough. I have good days and bad days. I know that I made the right decision and I'm so relieved that I am out. It still affects me in some instances throughout the day, but I'm on the right track and I won't be going back to him, that is for sure.
Tarrin

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry about all that has happened to you. You sound like you are just exhausted and need a big hug and some help. Luckily your daughter is there and it sounds like you are on the right track.
You know what darling? You need some self care for a few days before your little bundle arrives. Why don't you get someone to rent you a good movie, have a nice shower, then cuddle up infront of the tv and forget your worries for a while. Or maybe a good book or something like that. You need to unwind a little,that's all.
Don't feel guilty about what you did with regards to your ex, it's the right thing to do. Imagine the guilt you would have felt had he actually killed someone in a rage. Don't worry, it will be ok and you have done the right thing.
Everything will turn out alright. You are strong, capable, and doing the right thing.
Good luck sweetheart. Give yourself a pat on the back, because you've come a long way.
Hugs!
I just had to say that I completely know how you feel. The sad x that I got mixed up with also made similar threats repeatedly about his work, which is actually my place of work. He even described taking an ice pick to a guard's head at work and then taking their gun to go on a killing spree because he hated the work so much. His previous boss interestingly enough refused to extend his contract. He also told me that one of the ladies there reported him as being disturbed and unstable. I think he said she told him to his face that 'you need help'. Guess it was clear to everyone. The security called me to the office to tell what I knew and claimed that a report was made of him threatening one of the women guards early one morning. With all the recorded information, they decided to ban him from the premises. He can no longer enter or work there. When I saw the paper distributed with that ban, I also felt sick, sad, and horrible about the whole thing. But dang it, I didn't do it to him. They only used my information (the court reports) as supporting information. He did it to himself.
I feel bad that the in-law has to be such a *&$%* towards you. I was also told it takes two. I was also told how horrible I am to take her grandson away. I actually was ok with her possibly visiting in the future, but after she helped him steal all the money from the investments, knew about all the horrible things he was doing, and even witnessed his agressive behavior towards me, how could I ever trust her in any way. But still, she knows the phone number and I haven't refused any phone call to my son. She simply doesn't call or write letters for that matter. But your in-law is right. It does take two...two to make a ba*%ard (the x).....her (the m-in-law) and the father. These in-laws are crazy thinking we should sit in a volatile relationship like a martyr, ruining our lives so that their baby boy can have us like a toy to bash around so that he won't throw a tantrum that they have to deal with.
It is wonderful that your daughter is happy to help you out. She sounds like she is a very caring young lady and will be a great mother herself one day. And it is so nice to hear that she found a wonderful guy. I wish you all the best.
Wow, Tarrin.
Hugs, Tarrin. While I'm sorry to hear things are tough for you right now, I'm so glad to hear you've stuck to no contact. And your plan to have your daughter stay and help you sounds great. It sounds to me like despite the trials in your life you've obviously done something right in raising her, so don't give that mean ex-il trying to be hurtful another thought!
As for the unemployment benefits, I'm not sure whether you're aware that there's a maternity benefit & a parental benefit to make up the 50 weeks. If you work during the maternity benefit (up to the 1st 15 weeks), it is deducted dollar for dollar from your unemployment. But during the parental benefit (which is up to 35 weeks), you are allowed to work for a value of $50/week or 25% of your weekly benefit, whichever is higher. That may not help you much as you may need to return to work while still in your maternity benefit period, but I just thought I'd pass the info on in case you weren't aware. For more info: http://www.hrsdc.gc.ca/asp/gateway.asp?hr=/en/ei/types/special.shtml&hs=tyt#Working
-sang
Thanks for the info, but $50.00 a week just isn't going to do it. My daughter is an amazing woman and I will not worry one bit leaving the baby with her. She is very excited and it also helps her to save some money for her wedding in August next year.
I flucuate between angry and sad all day long. Is it ever going to get better? I'm always waiting for something to happen and never sure what it is.
I'm feeling a little achy tonight and hoping that baby will come soon. I want to feel normal...whatever that is.
It's sad there isn't some kind of supplement for women who don't have any other support. But at least you do have a great daughter to help you out.
The feelings you're describing are normal for anyone going through what you've been through without factoring in all the hormonal effects on your feelings of pregnancy. It takes a while to get adjusted to life on your own, one where you can be at peace and not constantly living in the drama associated with your STBX. It will get better. Soon you're going to have a wonderful new person in your life who's going to give you all kinds of new things to focus on. It won't be easy, but you have a support system and you can do this.
-sang