Dealing with Serious Guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Dealing with Serious Guilt
8
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 12:50pm
My abusive ex is financially devastated. Totally wiped out. After 5 years he wants to come back. He wants to come back because he's at a very low point. Part of this financial strain was put on him by me through the divorce and high child support. I feel so guilty. He wants to come back and stay with me for a while til he gets on his feet. Should I let him? He's been extremely good for about the past 6 months and wants another chance. He's so sincere right now.


Edited 1/12/2006 12:51 pm ET by jodyannrn
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 1:39pm

I'm in Firefox so can't get to a lot of my EY features, so please pretend that the following is in 24 point font and bright red.

DO NOT LET HIM COME BACK!!!!! DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT. I DON'T CARE HOW SINCERE HE IS PRETENDING TO BE. HE IS PLAYING YOU, BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU HAVE MONEY. NOTHING WILL CHANGE. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.

Now, take a look at this. Please forgive me if I'm confusing stories, but isn't this the guy you were afraid molested one of your girls? Do you really, truly think it's a good idea to let him potentially have access to do it again? Deep down, I don't think you do.

Guilt? Let's look at guilt. He did this to himself. HE is the one who chose to do what he did to make you leave him, HE is the one who chose to get himself into this financial bind, HE did it to HIMSELF. He WANTS you to feel guilty, because then he can leech off of you again. That is why he is playing sincere now. Oh, he's sincere all right- sincere in his desire for a free ride!

How to stop the guilt? Good ol' NO CONTACT. Do not take his phone calls, do not read his e-mails, do not anything. When you are forced to have contact with him over your girls (and oh, yeah, you might want to revisit the visitation thing too) discuss arrangements for them and ONLY that. NOTHING else. Every teeny bit of contact you have is an invitation for him to work you. Don't give it to him.

I know it really seems like he's changed. Let me just say this. The CLs from the other board have been around for a very long time, I think their experience goes back to 1996. In that ten-year period, they have seen ONE abuser who truly changed. ONE, out of how many thousands? Now, you know this guy. Do you truly, deep down, with every fiber of your being, honest to God, believe that he will be #2? Statistics alone would argue against it, and I think you know the truth within yourself.

I can't tell you what to do. No one can. What I have done here is say what I would say to my SIL if she ever asked. It is what I would hope someone would say to me if I was ever again in need of hearing it. Now, the ball is in your court; what you do with it is up to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 8:52pm

NO!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 11:32pm

Well, what's happening is I'm looking at my behavior in all this too. I think I did ruin this man's life. I took him to court and his child support was modified to $1300 a month. You have to admit no one needs that much in support, and I admit I did it for the wrong reasons. I didn't need his money. I did it because he was alienating my oldest daughter from me. For the longest time I'd have to take her back with me kicking and screaming after an exchange, and it would take hours to calm her down. I couldn't get his visitation modified, I tried. So instead I got the support modified so high he can't even support himself. Two wrongs don't make a right. Then to top it off he got fired over something he really couldn't help a few months after that, he's screwed now.

That's why I'm feeling so guilty. Yeah he was abusive to me, but I ruined his life. The last 6 months though he's been perfect. We have a good coparenting relationship for the kids. It's just that he's so sincere. It's like he's done fighting.

As far as my suspicions with the inappropriateness with my oldest, I'll never really know what happened. It's hard for me to believe he did something, but her behavior sure wasn't normal. DCF investigated it all and it was dropped. I'm just really confused right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 11:51pm

Let me put this another way. You think he's changed. OK, fine. Is it worth taking a chance that he hasn't? Given what could happen if he hasn't? Six months does not make up for years and years of misconduct.

And. YOU. DID. NOT. RUIN. THIS. MAN'S LIFE. I don't care if you asked for $eleventeen katrillion per week. He could have found a way, he could have made his life work, and HE chose not to. HE CHOSE. How is that your problem?

Going back to your daughter- OK, you don't know that he did anything. But you also don't know that he DIDN'T. Is that a gamble you want to take? Do you really want to take even the slightest chance of essentially throwing your daughter to the wolves?

Your most important job, as a parent, is to protect your girls. It is NOT to protect the ex. Ask yourself, how is going back to him going to accomplish the end of protecting the girls?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 7:29am

I'm in agreeance w/the other ladies here Jody.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 1:44am

Dear God Jodyann. I cant even read the other reponses b4 i respond. & i dont mean to sound "mad", but ....


WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?????????????!!!!!!!!!????????????


You & your kids have been thru hell by him. Your girls have been devestated. He is an *ss. He put himself where he is. Get on with your life. Stop enabling him.


Im sorry. i am just flabbergasted by this post. I dont mean to not be supportive. I am. You are a beautiful smart women. I think he just has you so wrapped that he has warped your mind.


PLEASE think of all the crap he put you thru. PLEASE. R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 8:23am

Hi Jodyann,

I just had to response to this post! BTW where is the other woman? First and foremost, stop that guilt. The child support you were given was directed by the courts, not you. It doesn't matter why you went to court. If he is having problems meeting this child support, then he needs to make an appeal and prove that he cannot afford to pay this amount. The courts are in place to make sure things are done fairly. Don't let him sucker you in....might be time for you to go back and read some of your old posts to remember why you left.

If you feel you don't need all that money, then start a college fund for the two girls with what you have left over. When you were trying to make ends meet and he was living it up, I don't remember him coming to your aid. He wants you not to live as nice as you deserve.

Don't do this to yourself, you've worked too hard to where you are at today.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:55pm

Hugs, jodyann. Just from what you've written in this thread, I don't think your ex has changed. He's not being overtly abusive right now; instead, he's trying to use subtle manipulation to reel you back in. He knows you so well that he's knows just what buttons to push to make you feel overwhelming guilt and sympathy for him. That's what abusers do. They are experts at spinning a good sob story if you aren't able to disconnect and see what they're doing for what it really is - the beginning of a new cycle of abuse.

You've been conditioned for years to believe that you should feel guilty & you're to blame for everything. But you don't have to keep feeling that way - you can rationally confront these feelings. Are you perfect? No. Could you have handled some things better in the past? Absolutely. But are you to blame for ruining his life? Absolutely not. We all have to take responsibility for our own actions. You are quick to place the blame on yourself for your own failings, but why do you find it so easy to let him shirk responsibility for his own actions, discount and dismiss the abuse and believe that YOU ruined HIS life? His abuse caused the demise of your marriage. He is the father of your children and a judge decided the child support amount was appropriate. If circumstances changed, the child support amount could have been reduced via legal channels. And don't you find it a little suspicious that his job loss is also someone else's fault? Doesn't that sound to you like an abuser who refuses to take responsibility for anything?

I know it's easy to fall into believing this wonderful guy you see in front of you is the real man your ex is. But it's highly highly highly likely that this is a character he's playing to get what he wants. Right now, your children have visitation with him, but they also have a safe, stable home with you to come home to. If he moves back in with you and you are wrong, you're taking that safe, stable home away from them and throwing them back into an unhealthy environment full time.

Please at least take a little time of no contact with him to clear your head and reread all the information you can get your hands on about abuse and how to tell if an abuser is changing. If you have a friend, family member, therapist, clergyperson or anyone you can talk to, please do so. This isn't a decision you should make based just on your guilt and your conversations with him - you need to decide on this with a clear head.

Believe me, I can understand how you can believe him and want to help him. My ex doesn't abuse me anymore - in our conversations over the last year (when we were finalizing the divorce) he's been perfectly... human and I almost could believe he's changed and is the decent guy he seems to be. But I've learned enough to see the subtle signs that are still there, and I can see through the character he's playing.

Wishing you the best.

-sang