Dear Mindspeak...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2001
Dear Mindspeak...
8
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:40pm
I just read your response to Jeepster and didnt want to hijack her thread so i took it upon myself to start a new one.

I tried to send you an email but i dont know if you will get it or if you will even read this post but for reasons i cannot explain im writing it anyway.

I spent many hours this past weekend reading through the archives of the SOS board, reading, laughing and crying all at the same time. Do you remember my bladder infection post? You are never far from my thoughts but lately, i cant seem to stop thinking of you. When i read your post just now, just seeing your name took my breath away, almost like an electrical shock..i felt like i was in another world for those few moments, reading and feeling your pain in my heart.

I feel frustrated, like to scream...why oh why, cant we, so many who you helped so much..do something, anything so that you can know how much you are loved, cherished and missed. I actually posted on the New Beginnings board the other day, repeating that im always feeling you beside me when i hear, What a Wonderful World..you said that to me once and that is the post that i was trying to find in the archives..you told me that you were always beside me when i hear that song and lady, im rambling at bit here but i feel your presence each and every time it plays.

I know im being emotional now, probably sounding loopy to some, especially those on this board who are wondering who the heck i am but this seems to be the only way to reach out to you and let you know how much I care..how much you mean to me, always and forever.


I see trees of green, red roses too

I see them bloom for me and you

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people going by

I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do

They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow

They'll learn much more than I'll never know

And I think to myself what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2001
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:47pm
I also have a note here from ples62 who is unable to access this board right now...she would like me to pass on this note from her..


"Mindspeak - so many have leaned on you and taken every ounce of your advice. You have always been supportive in a very blunt way - and that is what is needed - I know I did. I can only thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a proactive member for so long through all of the difficulties that you endure, day in and day out. I have more to say, but will post my own as soon as I can get access to the board from my own pc."

ples62

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:30pm
((((((((((Mindspeak)))))))))

(Thank you unchained)

Mindspeak - I read your post this morning and all I could think was how often I have thought about YOU and wondered about YOU and how YOU are doing. No, I don't know all of your story, I don't need to. I only hope that you come back (as you hoped jeepster would) and read this. I know from the short amount of time you were posting when I first started that you were straightforward and I always HOPED to get a reply from you - Yes I wanted to hear it straight. Sometimes we are all too much the victim and we need to hear the hard and fast truth.

Mindspeak - I went to see Spiderman 2 this weekend with dh and ds. Spiderman gave up being spiderman because he felt he was hurting the ones he loved. He kept his spiderman a secret from everyone. But when his love was endangered, he came back. And once he showed her who he really was - she was right there to "save" him. Let us help you, let Mr Mindspeak help you. Let him make the choice that is right for him, as MJ did in spiderman - she knew the risks involved but her love for spidey was strong and she wanted to be there for him.

I don't know if any of that will make any sense, I hope so. You have been on my mind along with jeepster and miz lizzy. Please - take care of yourself and let Mr. Mindspeak speak his mind also!!

Hug hugs to you,

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 1:46pm
Hello Unchained Spirit,I thank you deeply with every fiber of me for your posting.You helped immensely,more than you will ever know.I want you to know that without a doubt.Having said that,I also want you to rest easy about yourself,for I know you,and I know what you were thinking,worried about 'after' posting this beautiful display of emotion,caring in such a way of trying to reach out,and touch.Not merely because of your own wording of 'fearful' of sounding loopy,expressing that worry of what it would sound like or appear to others outloud,but because I know you and that beautiful soul of yours I recognized instantly all those years and hoped to have you get to know her in the light she is meant to be.You have that,you know,that soul that is one of beauty.Besides,you are a sister of my heart,no matter the distance,silence,or years.Your post did not sound loopy,so breathe easy on it and hush that "ghost" back in the closet,better yet get rid of it(smile).It was a most beautiful moment for me to read your post,not only for what it gave to me,but for the beautiful soul it reflected of yourself in it.

What I carried away from the reading of your post,is one that you I hope will be blessed for.I won't attempt to explain,nor find the words to express what you did for me with it,but I will just add that a moment of 'can't be explained' happened.I clicked on your nic.I of course do not have to click your nic to know you,or anything about you not only because I will always remember you,but also because I remember every nic that ever crossed my path throughout the years of being here no matter the brain farts I still have,and their self expressions,their lives they are/were living,and such.So,having said that, Missss W...why in the world huh would I click on your nic...because I needed one more thing in order to key into much more that would set me on a better path again and that which cannot be explained that happens sometimes for me 'made me' clic in order to 'get it'.The perspective came when I read your quote.Talk about sucking in air,not finding it.I was stunned to see the quote.I remember to whom I first said that to years ago.five?yrs.now,God time where does it go,right here on this board.She later took it up,and said the same thing you did,favorite quote.She also changed her nic to one full of hope.I hope for her she is living that,as well.That took me to you,the memories of SOS board,and the sisters(wish I had the link to the archive,lost it,can't find it now),...so on so forth,but the quote,the actual words reading them.,there it was a perspective I needed.No,I am not living in abuse...never again...yet at the same level...something has created that sense of feel of less than..so my dear sweet beautiful Unchained Spirit...I thank you if never you know anything ever again without a doubt...know this,you did return something very valuable to me.Love you sister.

I never got an email that you mentioned.I did get one that came through the profile Mindspeak(no,not you,but someone elses arrived)when they read my post to Jeepster.I thought if you disabled it,email thingy it didn't happen, or heck maybe I thought it was still disabled..maybe it was one of those things meant to be,for I know that it,what was said by the person who sent the email, did hold a piece of what was needed to help me to gather me up.LOL.I do not have anyone's email addies,personal living addies,phone numbers anymore.I lost that this past March due to circumstances beyond my control.

Please take care of yourself.You are very important,but I fear you forgot that about yourself.Love,hugs and sister smooches.My best to you.

This is an add on.The above was written by slowly being able to type,copy,paste.Today though a tad of Mindspeak was shining(thank you)and thought you would get a kick out of it.I had early due to heat here this morning sat in the shady part of garden and tried to weed.It was me,the determined one to do it as part of overcoming, also rehab for my 'good hand' to be stronger/dominate.Anyway,hot,dripping sweat,frustrated as hades,headed inside to get a drink,cool off,passed the pool on the way to back door,paused looked at it,and within a moment I had jumped in,clothes and all.I get inside house,dripping sopping wet to hear doorbell ringing,Jake barking.I look out the leadglass of frontdoor,see image of man,hardhat.I remember hearing engines of trucks on road in front of house while I working in back behind the privacy fence.Not knowing if firemen,or what...I answer.This poor man's shocked face said volumes of what I looked like fully clothed,dripping wet..saying"yes?what is it?normal toned,normal presentation"I listened to him say,electric power would be going off soon for a bit due to reconstruction to a powertransformer."thank you" I say,shut door.No explaination,nothing.THen cracked up laughing at the thoughts of allll he had to say to the other fellers working with him about it them pondering it,knowing they are just dying to be given an explaination,knowing I didn't deem it.So,you see...there was a spark of the ole Mindspeak this morning,huh?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:09pm
Well Ples,somethings never change.I had sat,typed a message to you by hitting reply instead of offline,taking my time,then copy/paste to your message,and when I hit after preview for it to be posted...the grimlins that the village is famous for...ate it.It would not let me see,would not even bring the board up.Dang thing.Anyway,it now appears it was eaten,not posted,don't know if it is flying around in cyber or will suddenly appear.However,I was worried that you would think that I was ignoring your post,because the reply to Unchained Spirits is there,and I could not have you thinking that for it is not true,your post,you,and the fact you posted is so very important for me to let you know I appreciated it and you.

In the posting I did,lost,and gone for lunch for villagegrimlins,I wanted you to know that I walked away with a different perspective after having read your caring post due to your posting,spiderman,ect.It was perfect,made sense.I do believe I benefited immensely from it with great reflection,and so will now Mr.Mindspeak.I also had thanked you for saying that I had been one of those who posted to you in the past of whom you "hoped" would post back to.I do thank you for that,for it helped in a different way as well.It helps me to know that someone benefited from that which I had hoped for them to gain from my posts about the truths of abuse,the conditioning,and such.Bluntness,or not...it is what a person truthfully gets down to inside themselves about their lives,who they have become,and what they have lost within due to the control by the abuse,about the abuser,the abuse,and finding insight,hope to know the difference of realness,change,and how that change can only be real in one guaranteed way...them (victims)making their own lifechanges that helps them begin to take the steps up and out of the abuse.Meaning...no excuses allowed for them to make for their abusers,and the false hopes they give to the victim.Anyway,thank you for it all,Ples,for reaching out,being you to help me at this time.

Ples,I also mentioned that I hoped you had found yourself within,without conditioning,or at least breaking free of that conditioning,found growth and a better you within to deal,cope and go forward in life.I don't know as I had mentioned in the post that is now lost,if you had/have because I had not gone back and caught up on anyones posts to see what growth,changes,or such.I apologize for not knowing,writing blindly on it.I wish much for you as I do all that I knew from having been here.

Again,Ples,thank you with my heart deeply for your caring soul,and your reaching out,and helping me pull up.I will not forget you,or your having done so.I wish blessings on you for having done so.My best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2001
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 9:24am
Yes dear lady, you do know me well, being worried about what others think seems to be part of who i am but when i believe in something strongly, i am able to put that aside and not care about impressions, raised eyebrows or judgements.

This is one of those times, having no other means by which to contact you, after reading your post, i had to post here, i had to reach out, i had to somehow let you know how much you mean to me. Its as simple as that, it had to be done.

Ohhh the emotions that you bring out in me dear lady..too many to list. You know it was you who first brought to my attention that my childhood was not what it was cracked up to be? It was you who first "hinted" at co-dependency, it was you who set me on the path to counselling, to begin the healing of my inner child, my inner self..i havent found the post yet but i will, it was a post where you were..wishing that you could go back in time and give that little girl a hug who was so afraid and so alone...because of your words i was able to look deep, to really see my father..see *him* in all the abusers that have been in my life..you set me on that path to freedom in the real sense of the word...yes it took me 3 years to get rid of idiotboy..but all that while i knew, i knew why and how i had found myself in yet another, worse abusive situation.

I'm not very good at links and stuff but here is a link to the SOS archives:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsos/?ctx=4194304

thank goodness for mss sara...she still has it all, we talk regularily her and i, she is the only sister that i am still in contact with and im sure always will be. She loves and misses you too, she says you will always be a sister of her heart and will post to you very soon in hopes that you will be reading and knowing how special you are to us.

If you feel up to it or need anything or a shoulder or a vent or anything at all my email is jsyk@bmts.com please feel free to email me..selfishly i hope that you do but if that isnt possible i will understand that as well.

Please please be kind to yourself and please allow Mr Mindspeak to be as well..i cannot fathom what you are going through but i must say that it was so good to see your second post, the add on, the mindspeak we all know and love shining thru, always there..always.

MY best to YOU

love and hugs always

whitney

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 6:52pm
Quick synopsis - I am still with my abuser. It has taken me a LONG time to call him that. And I still have times when I question how much of his abuse is conscious abuse or from his upbringing - I know I'm making excuses for him still.

What a wonderful feeling to have helped someone that I knew and saw as strong. Perhaps I am gaining some strength of my own!

Sometimes I wonder if I will be looking for abuse issues in everything I see or do now. It is very difficult to not see it in just about everything it seems. Like the spiderman movie. Peter was almost lost because of spiderman, then spiderman was almost lost because of Peter yet, when he finally reached out for help, they were both ok (Peter is spiderman, in case you haven't seen the movie!). When MJ (the girl) left her wedding and went to Peter/Spidey - it was so profound to hear her saying that even the strong need someone to take care of them. Then I came here and saw your post. Coincidence? As you said in your post to Jeepster - probably not - there was a reason I'm sure.

I'm glad your spirits are better. Don't type too much - we don't want to tire out your hand!! Also - I laughed at your "episode" with the dripping clothes and the power company man. Yes, I can only imagine what they were talking about all day!!

My hat's off to you, I'm so glad you stumbled back here because for some reason lately you had been on my mind. I wanted to hear your straightforwardness - not only to me, but to others as well. Your posts - they were needed and are definitely missed, at least by me.

Take good care of you and Mr Mindspeak. The rest of the world doesn't matter!!

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 8:21am
i am so happy to hear from you. i too have sorta stumbled upon the board, have not read for really long time, and was amazed to see mindspeak here. have thought so much about you and always wondered how the garden has grown. never posted much so not sure if you even remember who i am but you have a way of putting words like no other. your analysis of the black jelly bean has been in my heart forever for someone actually understood the extent of pain i have endured.

reach for help mindspeak - grab a hand. you have helped so many and with opened arms you thought nothing of it. start a new garden, plant the seed start with the hope you have given so many. allow yourself to reach - accept the help others have to offer. you have no idea how much i have thought of you and wanted to hear your wise words

my best to you - i loved to hear those words because you ment it from the heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2002
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:22am

Mindspeak, I decided to join in here with unchained (sorry whit, hijacking in progress. :) ) I wanted so badly to post to you, but took tell now to do so. Please know that has nothing to do with you. I just wanted the timing to be right. And then it happened. Something I could bring to you and tell you. Something, that in my heart I am happy for. But, that must wait tell the end of this. Because, first I want you to know HOW much you have meant to me. I have no idea what I am going to type here. But, I hope that as you have always done.. been able to know what I mean. :). I truly was wanting so much to be able to reach out to you when I read your post. Like you have so many times, to me, and so many others. You shared yourself with us on days when I know you didn't feel like it. Always, cheering for us. And, always with your heart. (sister's of the heart!) I don't come to Ivillage much anymore. Not tell just recently. I am so glad that timing is everything..


I have wondered about you, and how you are. And what your doing. And if you know how much we love you? I'm so sorry that no one besides Mr. Mindspeak wished you a happy birthday on your 50th. I am hoping that you will accept my belated.. but loved filled .. Happy Birthday to YOU. Not just today .. but everyday. Let everyday be a new birth-day. As you taught me during our time together... Let EVERY day be a new day. See the beauty in something around you. I think of you in your garden.. and the big sundial that you wanted to put in it. (during one of our wish threads!) I would still love to see those pictures. I'm sure it has the Mindspeak touch! I miss you and your wisdom. If it sounds like I am saying the same thing over, just in different ways, that is probably because I just really want you to know how I feel.


Here is something you said to me once.. and I carry them words with me constantly. They mean so much to me. That now I want to share them with you. In your own words :


"You have strength,it will be there for you,even though at times it feels it's no where to be found.It is the same thing that has gotten you through everything to now...strength.So often people do not recognize it as it being that,and sit and wonder back,saying how did I get through that,or then towards the future with doubts,I will I get through this...without realizing you just do,because of that strength that's carried you and will continue to do so."