degrading...insulting...just joking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
degrading...insulting...just joking
7
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:18am

I would really like some opinions on some of the various statements that my husband has made to me in the past couple years that I find have really taken a toll on me emotionally. He always has an excuse for whatever he says. It's either 1) I was just joking or 2) I am just trying to "help" you.

I am 36, 2 kids, my weight is 140 and I am 5'7". I was much skinnier (115 lbs.) when I got married 17 yrs. ago, obviously, but the pounds crept up after I turned 30. He is genetically thin.
I am not overly concerned about my weight, although I would like to slim down a little. I feel that I look like a "woman" vs. a kid and am really tired of this obsession he has.

"Your not even trying to lose weight!" "God, if you could just lose 5 lbs." "You need a treadmill". "Are you sure you don't want to lick the plate?" "I see hail marks on the back of your legs" "No man wants a wife that is overweight, they just won't admit that to you". "fat jokes", etc. etc. Says that he has no desire for me sexually becasue of my weight. Watching me and my daughters to see if we have a bowl of cereal late at night, remarks about that. He has always had an obsession with porn, and I have found sites for call girls on the computer that I mentioned to him and he just acts like "Oh, I was just curious and it's funny"

When and how do you come to the conclusion that this is not just "joking" or "helping me" and is downright hurtful and abusive? Your 2 cents is greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 12:14pm

I don't consider those hateful remarks as jokes or his way of trying to help you.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 1:08pm

Hi, westie. I'm glad you found us - you're definitely in the right place, because this kind of talk is abuse.

"When and how do you come to the conclusion that this is not just "joking" or "helping me" and is downright hurtful and abusive?" Honestly, when you've told him ONCE that it feels bad and he continues to do it, that's when it crosses the line. It's not his right to make hurtful "jokes" to amuse himself. It's not his right to decide that what you say hurts will actually help you.

In my experience, the porn, and especially his comparing you to the porn women, is huge. That's a form of torture. The call girl sites are hair-raising. Realistically, there is at least a small chance he has cheated on you on one or more occasions. If you have any intimate relations with him at all, protect yourself. Tell him your doctor forbid you to use the pill and he has to use a condom. Obviously this is only if you can safely refuse him. Get yourself tested, too.

You nailed is when you called your weight his obsession. I'm so glad you recognize it. I'm very concerned that he's started on your daughter too. She doesn't need that.

Check out the board website; it has a lot of good links. WElcome and Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 1:59pm

Not only are his comments nasty and abusive, they are ignorant. You have a perfectly healthy Body Mass Index of 21.9. This is right in the middle of the normal range for your weight and height. And even if you were overweight, it would not be his place to comment on it and goad you into making changes simply to please him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:07pm
140 lbs and 5'7 is not overweight at all. He doesn't really care about your weight, he's just trying to keep you off balance for his own sick reasons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 5:34pm

You don't like it, so regardless of whether he thinks he has the right to do it or not, he should stop, period. Giving you additional grief over why you don't tolerate his "jokes", shouldn't even be up for discussion either, as well as telling you that you're just too sensitive.

I went through the same crap during my former marriage to my AXH. If there's any word of encouragement I could offer you in the meantime, it is this:

**developer a thicker skin and a more direct attitude**

The next time he starts in with the mean/insensitive/degrading jokes, cut him off in mid-sentence (if possible) and just haul off and tell him firmly, "I don't want to hear it." Then excuse yourself from the room or go to another part of the house, if need be.

Hang in there.

Heymum




Edited 5/17/2005 5:37 pm ET ET by heymum
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 5:46pm

This is definitely abusive behaviour.

FYI I am nearly 5' 9" and 144lbs. I get called 'skinny'. No way are you overweight. His comments are not funny.

I am guessing that as he's skinny, he feels insecure about that and is projecting this onto you. He watches in case you have a bowl of cereal? WTF?!

The porn is another giveaway to his insecurity. No way would he need all that if he could cope with a real live woman!

Rowena

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 11:33am
WOW....that sounds so familar. "im joking" is my H favorite response to anything that upsets me. He is always making comments about my weight and it was always "to help me" I finally lost some of the weight i gained with my kids, but still not back to where i was before kids. but i am happy with my weight. We were actually talking about dieting last night, well he was talking i was listening. He said that "we both could loose 15-20 pounds" I said that I would like to loose some but if not I was happy with where I was at. and his remark was "your happy with it because I have quit making comments about how skinny girls look" I wanted to slap him!!! I just told him "no im happy with it because I feel good" and left it at that. He is always making remarks about everything I do, eating, cleaning, raising the kids....and its always "Im Joking" when ever i say something back to him. I have listened to him doing this for 7 years and now I am finally to the point that I will tell him that I dont like it and that its not joking, it is hurtful. Still doesnt change what he says but at least it makes me feel better. They may think they are helping but I believe, at least in my H case that its just another way to control me. Thats why I have had enough and will be leaving him soon.