depressed and alone..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
depressed and alone..
16
Thu, 08-18-2011 - 8:18pm

I know I had reasons to leave that were very valid. But not only is DD not with my primary (though I do see her at least once a day for lunch or drop somewhere)..but it isn't same like hearing her in background in the house. But I am now starting to feel that things weren't so bad..I know this is normal to feel this way. But not just DD but I am also sad to be alone..noone to do stuff with..as with any abuser, when things were good, they were good. We could afford holidays, at least watch a good TV show now and then, watch a movie...there wasn't financial pressure..of course everything happened the way he wanted and I had to spend on my stuff..but still..I dont know my mind is just messed up right now. Maybe I am to blame also as someone said to me (you both have issues..to which I said..my issue is not i am abusive, my issue is maybe afraid of being alone, codependency..) I just so wish I had my family here..no one but me...Sometimes I feel I should go back..but anyway..I know that the problems will be back again..He suggested to me..something about 'coexisting'..my answer to that would be he still has not taken accountability of his issues..But at same time, I read an article somewhere..that sometimes things get stable once kids are gone to college..as those stress factors are gone. Of course, this is assuming he doesnt get worse..who knows..I have no peace either way..as I had predicted..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Thu, 08-18-2011 - 9:44pm

do you like to, or have you been interested in learning, do any kind of craft. Exercise?, Swim?...for crafting opportunities, check out your local craft supply store to see what crafting classes they offer. Also look into your local rec center to see what they may offer in opportunities or classes...sign up for a class somewhere. There you will 1) meet people with the same interests as yours, 2) get out of the house 3) establish new friendships. Another place to meet people would be a church if you are possibly interested in attending a church.

Another place you can actually meet people who are in the "same place" as you are would be at the domestic violence survivors support groups.

The idea is you need to get out of the house and start doing something you have been curious about or are interested in participating in.

If those are not something you are willing to do for yourself, consider volunteering somewhere during some of your free and lonely time. Children's hospital is always looking for volunteers to do simple things like sit and read stories to the kids or help getting the kids from one location to another. Also nursing homes are looking for volunteers. The elderly love to have someone to just sit and listen to them and hear their stories and care.

If you have a rehab facility near, they also need volunteers. Schools (not just your dd's but all, and especially the elementary schools) can use volunteers if you are available during school hours.

Avatar for lbarent
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 9:09am

Sorry you are feeling this way. Try and change your sad thoughts to happy ones of all you can do for YOU! Try a meetup? www.meetup.com

Just because you are alone doesn't mean you have to feel lonely. I promise things will look up once you find a hobby or embrace your alone time for the gift that it is and that is without living in the abusive home.!

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 12:56pm

yes..I had been thinking of hobbies..but at this time..I would rather catch up on work (no- we dont get overtime) just so I dont get laid off..as I had been slacking last few months. Anyway..I am hoping DD and my pets will be back soon..and hope this is temporary..Well..I am still involved with her one way or other every day..I just need to get things in motion..so I get my fair share of things. Unfortunately I had put it on hold till DD is more stable..She is still on emotional train wreck..most of the time..

actually still keep thinking - why I am depressed..at least I dont have to deal with his constant nagging and slaving away..My mind is going crazy..Ok..I think for me..the cost of freedom is perhaps too high..If things dont turn around in the next few weeks and I feel same, I may just go back and accept his 'coexistence' contract..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 5:23pm
Winter - Whatever you decide is totally up to you, but I would strongly urge that even if you go back, you stay in counseling. I really hope things turn up soon. This is going to be a horrible suggestion, but it worked for me kinda... do something that will keep your attention focused elsewhere - for me, this meant finding a "friend with benefits" or 2 or 3. I know it's not healthy, but it's just a thought... I'm sure other people have more healthy ideas for distracting yourself and rebuilding you're own world. But.... it was a decent short-term fix for me.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 6:24pm

hi chipper..your suggestion did make me smile..I got no single friends :) I feel sort of defeated and just want to lay around ..I think I am falling into major depression..I think DD is an important part of my life..and suddenly finding myself alone is a bit too much to take. It would have been ok..if I knew she is even going to visit every other weekend..but she says..she wont come at all..maybe 1 night here and there. I lost my pets that I used to love too. I just sit and cry sometimes. It is not that I want to go back..I know it was like living as a slave. But I want to keep options open..for future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2011
Sat, 08-20-2011 - 1:58am
Your situation sounds so much like mine a couple years ago. My husband and I separated because of domestic abuse. We had two children together at the time. I also felt lonely all the time. I was overwhelmed with how I could support my children and living in an apartment that was nothing compared to house I had when living with him. I also became very upset when I saw he had a new girlfriend. I crumbled and we got back together. We had another baby and moved away from family. The biggest mistake of my life!! He also never took responsibility for any of his abuse, never! I also found out that he attacked the girlfriend he had violently before she got a restraining order on him. I found the papers in a box after we moved. He is still abusing me. Only it's worse now because my family is far away. I feel like a live in a prison. If your DD has never taken responsibility then he won't change. I wish I could go back in time and talk to myself when I was not thinking straight. These men are leaches and will suck the life from you. Be strong and think of your life and how you deserve better! The right person is out there. I wish I wld have listened when my loved ones warned me. Keep your chin up!
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 08-20-2011 - 8:40pm

Hey Winter, I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad and alone.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 12:23am

Right now my problem is not as much that my life is enmeshed with her, but the fact that I need to tell her that as long as she keeps living there, it is his responsibility to take her places and provide food on the table. The problem that is going on right now is she keeps wanting me to be still part of taking her here and there, buying her after school clothes but does not want to spend night with me. When I suggest to her she come and it will be easy for both, she starts getting depressed and crying a lot (saying she will just run away and I am making her sad..)..so the question is - how much cold turkey can I risk without her doing "something"..at the same time, this is not helping if I am running and doing all but staying in a separate place.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 11:47am

I know I was one of the ones saying I couldn't leave my children behind but with the recent behavior of my 17 yr old DD I am rethinking my thoughts. My oldest is trying to run my life. If I do something and she is not involved she throws a fit and says some very mean things to me. Yesterday she was bad mouthing me to one of my friends and I have had enough. Sunday I was planning on going to a concert and didn't go partially because of her behavior. I should have gone! I am going out tonight and I know she is not happy about it but I don't care and her behavior is not going to stop me room going out.

Both our DD's are to old for this crap. They both need to grow up and act their age. In your shoes I would call DD's bluff and hope that it is a bluff but if it is not then she will have no choice but to get help. Running away is against the law and things are done in different areas. A friends grandson ran away and he was put in a strict program for a month, they live in Massachusetts. I would check into what you can do if he does run away.

I can understand why you are thinking of going back because what DD is doing to you I bet is worse then anything your H ever did and I am sorry that she is putting you though this. Just like with how you had a choice about putting up with him or leaving it is the same choice you have with DD. But it is a harder choice to make. If I was you as hard as it would be to do I would stop catering to DD. I know you want to be a part of her life and if you stop doing things her way she is going to punish you but by doing thing all her way you are teaching her that this is how to get things in life and that is not the lesson she should be learning. My oldest is about to get a hard lesson on who is the parent/adult in my house and how I can do things that do not include her once in awhile.

Yes it


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 5:59pm
I know this is different, but it might help. My son was SUPER bad with change. Any and all change, so I always tried to keep him as stable as possible. However, if and when I have determined in the past that something was best for us, changes happened. Ok, sure, my kiddo is significantly younger, but still - she is a child, and she is just going to have to deal with change. You can't continue to coddle her like this. She is legally at the age where she is free to choose which parent she lives with. It sounds like she had definitely made her decision known. So, let it be and continue working on you and only you. Consider it a mixed blessing that now you have the time and energy to focus on fixing and mending yourself rather than worrying about the daily needs of a teenager. She has chosen that role for your husband. If he fails, then - something should be done. But, so far - he hasn't. So, let it be.

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