depressed and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
depressed and confused
1
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:40pm
Hello everyone! I am not sure where to begin or exactly what to say because I am a little nervous about posting on this messageboard again. But I do feel like I need someone to talk to about what is going on that understands me. I havent had much of that lately and I am just getting so depressed doing this all on my own. I used to be a poster on this board under another name but my husband found it somehow after I left him and so I stopped posting. I am hoping that there has been enough time now that he doesnt check this board anymore and I also am hoping that he doesnt read every post and therefore might figure out that I am posting again. Well here it goes...I am known for my long posts I think hehe.

I finally finished my schooling and passed in the top of my class...either the top or second I never did find out which hehe. I passed my national exam and now just need to finish up some paperwork for that. My problem is that I havent found a job yet and am getting pretty depressed although getting resumes out there would help with getting a job. I need to get motivated again and I think this week it is going to get better. I have an appointment for temp/hiring agency this week and found a couple jobs I can actually send a resume into this week.

I guess my problem is that I am having a hard time moving forward. I keep dwelling on the past and mulling things over and I let my H get to me. I havent been able to file for divorce yet because I dont have the 1500 it costs to get him started with all the paperwork. My husband was always in control of the finances and still is and I have no money at all. I find myself sometimes wondering if he really was abusive to me and if I wasnt just looking for an excuse to leave. But then I remember how it was and how isolated and controlled I was...I wonder how I even stayed when we first got married when I was pregnant and he didnt even want to touch my stomach to feel our child move or talk about the baby at all. There are so many hurts and I just dont know how to get past them. Sometimes I still find myself thinking that maybe he wasnt so bad because he never called me names or physically hurt me. But he is still hurting me in his little ways even now. He still only wants me to have a minimum amount of money a week(20 dollars this week and he filled up my gas tank). I have the car and he always uses that as an excusse for me to have to run after him and do things for him. Or to bring the car up to him so he can run around. He has had almost a year now to get a car of his own but he hasnt.

I guess I am just in a spot where I wonder if I should go back to him sometimes but I really dont want to. I need to find a job and then I think I will feel better about myself and be able to move forward more. I dont know if I am asking anything specific but I just have so much to say and am not sure how to say it. Alot that I want to update you all on but I guess I will have to do it slowly and in pieces so that I feel safe posting here.

THANK YOU so much to everyone on this board...the CL's and all of the other posters that gave me so much support when I needed it. You are a wonderful bunch of ladies and I hope that God blesses each and every one of you with happiness.

Minnow

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:01pm

Hi my dear!


Thanks for popping in on chat last night.

CL-Blueliner4