Depressed, need help.
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| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:19am |
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Well,
I post very little here but I do read all of your posts everyday and get very much out of them.
I'm so unhappy, I feel depressed and cry all the time. I think I'm in love with my OM. Here's my situation.
I've lived a hard life with H. Married at 16. I caught him in an A about 3 years ago with his x girlfriend before me. It was awful, I was in so much love with him. But then besides that he has abused me verbally and physically (don't know why I put up with it-and I do cruise the DV board as well). Well I met OM 5 years ago although I didn't know he was into me. Well our A started about 4 months ago and I feel like we have both fell in love. I feel like I would never have started an A, if H had treated me right.
Anyways, back in January I told my H that I wanted our M to be over because I was tired of his ways. He'd punched me about two weeks before and then through a rampage in the kitchen breaking things a few days after that wo that's what triggered me to tell him this.
I see that OM treats me like a queen and that feels so good. He's calm, courtious, loving, and so on ......
Well H says don't leave me, cries, the whole bit and what do I do? I stay but give him and ultimatum. If he lays one more hand on me or throws another fit, I leave. Well, we went out of town for Spring Break and he verbally abuses me and tells me if I act a certain way he's going to beat the sh@# out of me. Well, I'm still there. He just asked me to go lunch with him yesterday and gave me flowers. I don't feel happy that he does this anymore, I actually hate that he's giving me this attention. I know I should be posting this on the DV board as well but somehow it fits this category as well.
Well anyways, I'm in the middle. I scared to leave H although he's awful to me sometimes but great most of the time. I almost wish he'd hit me again so I can have a good excuse to leave. Yet OM is always great to me. What do I do? I cry all the time and want to sleep, these are signs of depression. I'm not happy in my M at all but yet I feel sorry for this fool that hurts me. And there's someone out there (OM) waiting for me. Although, I'm not sure how far he wants to go either. Help, help, help! I need advise desperately.

Abusers always say they are sorry and are very sweet after an outburst. That's part of the abuse cycle. I am still learning about this, but I know enough to know that the cycle starts with a verbal or physical attack, goes to sweet and wonderful attention, then tension builds and then another attack and so on. The cycles get shorter each time. I would recommend doing as you said and leaving. Even if he hasn't hit you again, he is still being verbally abusive. Why do you want to wait to leave until he hits you again? I'd avoid the next punch. Be careful about OM. That's a rebound and will not give you the time to breathe and heal that you are going to need. It is nice to be treated well by someone. Just be careful. Keep posting and reading. It really helps.
Jen
Hi confused, welcome back:
Below is the link into your original post from 3/3.
CL-Blueliner4
I know I don't need a reason to leave but it takes so much and so I think I need a little more time. I do pray everyday that God give me the courage and strength to go through with this. I know one day soon he will.
I won't move in with OM. Because I do need to find myself since I married so young. And dedicate time to my children. I know deep inside that this OM is not helping any either and in time I will need to let go of him as well.
Thanks so much for kicking me back into reality. My life right now is crazy and hectic but I know soon there's something great out there for me.
I will keep you posted. Hugs.
Glad I could be of help.
CL-Blueliner4
Having an affair is never the answer.. if you are going to leave the marriage, do it because its the right thing to do, not because of someone else. I could've easily had an affair before I kicked the ex out. I think for me I had been so numb that I really just wanted to FEEL again.. and I knew this person wouldn't make fun of me for my feelings like the ex did. I have 3 kids and I realized that I would feel guilty if the other person was the reason i left. I knew that I needed to go all out on my marriage before I left so I knew that I had done everything I possibly could. As hard as that was, I have peace of mind on my decisions. I know you are in the middle of one now, but going from one person to another is not always the best thing. YOu need to put all relationships aside except for the one with yourself. Work on who you are and what you need. If the other man is the person for you, he will be waiting when you are done. Take a breath and heal yourself first. I can totally understand the reason for having an affair.. but it really complicates things at this point.. oh and anyone that punches you occasionally isn't 'great' by any means.. He doesn't need to hit you again to give you an excuse to leave. Give yourself permission to go, just because he is nice to you sometimes doesn't make up for the abuse other times. You deserve better for yourself.
Hugs,
Jenna
thanks for your great comments/advice. You know I do feel very guilty of the A but it makes me feel so good that I'd hate to leave it although I know it's the right thing to do. I'm so glad someone out there understands me. You had me in tears.
Thanks you so much. For some reason, I've been very down today (last week I felt the same way but I was PMSing, not today though). Although, my H is treated me okay, I just don't feel him sincere. It feels like he's faking this or doing this just for his benefit.
It just seems so hard to leave a home that my children are so used to. I see and hear my friends talk about their lives and how great they are and I dream of mine being that way. You know, sometimes I remember back to the days H makes me feel awful by physically or verbally abusing me and I know I'm not happy but I can't believe this is me, it's like I'm seeing someone else's life through a window and not mine. My family thinks it's fine and dandy and don't realize the severeness of this on me. They think he'll change and sometimes, I even think we will. My mom seems to think like the olden era " You married, you stick it out and you have a big mouth anyway, that's why he treats you like that." Well, I don't seem to think it's a big mouth when I express my feelings.
Anyways, won't make this story longer. Thanks again for your support.