Desperately need advice
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| Sun, 01-09-2005 - 9:49pm |
Hi...Sorry this is long, but I thought some history was necessary...
Just a couple of weeks ago I finally acknowledged that I'm in an abusive relationship. My in-laws actually gave my husband and I Patricia Evans' book on verbal abuse for Christmas. After reading parts of it (I couldn't finish bc it was too painful) I was physically sick. I am a well-educated, successful, professional that everyone thinks is so strong at work, but I've become a doormat at home. I developed an eating disorder over the last two years as well, now I think it was just a control thing bc my life was so out of control.
Anyway, my husband and I have been together for 9 years, since I was 16 and he was 21. He had some problems with panic attacks, but no more than a couple of times a year...Until 2 years ago. He had never had a full time job before, and he was on his way to turn in his master's thesis. I guess the reality of having to be grown up struck him...He had such a bad panic attack he had to call 911.
Within a week, he had so many panic attacks and such free-floating anxiety that he developed severe agoraphobia and couldn't leave the house for a year and a half. In the meantime, I had to do absolutely everything despite having back surgery that year too...cooking, cleaning, going to work, grocery shopping, paying the bills, everything. He got super resentful of me and became really abusive and controlling. He called me all the time to make sure I was coming home and I couldn't go anywhere more than 20 minutes from home bc he'd freak out. Anything I asked him to do was me being a "nagging bitch" despite the fact that I'm the only one of us who has had a full-time job since we've been together and he did nothing around the house.
He got on medication and finally evened out about 6 months ago. We moved back to the town I grew up in. I thought things would get better. He could leave the house, but instead spent all his time on himself and his priorities (his Jeep) while I was at work...He would always say "Since I'm the one doing the work around here, why should I do any of your priorities?" Which meant no dishes done, pet mess all over, unpacked boxes still sitting around in piles of trash...I couldn't ask him about how the job-hunting was going bc he'd flip out at me.
Every time I tried to talk to him one on one about how resentful I was he would hug me while I was crying and tell me I was just being emotional, tired, etc...I finally had it. I sat him down with his parents a couple of weeks ago and they were on my side for basically an intervention. I told him I wanted a divorce if things didn't change. Since then, he has admitted to the abuse, feels horrible about it and professes a desire to change because he doesn't want to lose me. He finally unpacked everything, is working a lot around the house, has gone out really looking for a job, and is walking on eggshells in everything he says to me. I know he's trying to change, but he still keeps blaming everything on the anxiety...which he says is entirely not his fault.
Can he really change? Am I being selfish for being so mad at him I don't even want to sit around to see if he does? Is his anxiety a legitimate excuse for what he did? Is it my fault for being so codependent? Should I leave even though my friends from church all tell me I'd be disobedient to God if I do? HELP! I'm so confused!!!
| Sun, 01-09-2005 - 11:37pm |
